Please Review my Motivation Letter

[lirisnareswari]

Re: Traditional Medicine and Modern Medicine -- a Partnership

The current title does not help me remember this thread.

Actually, I don't really know how to change this title's thread :lol:

 

[lirisnareswari]

Remember:

medicinal herbs

And:

for their families

I have corrected the first paragraph based on your correction, is it right?

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing this letter to apply for admission to the Master of XXXX Program at XXXX University. Having been interested in the field of herbal, I attended pharmacy with the specialization of herbal medicine in XXX. During my studies, I did considerable research in that field, worked as a laboratory assistant for 2 years, became a presenter in outreach program, educated villagers in East Borneo on how to plant and use herbs medicine for their family, and taken a part as a participant in international seminar held in Yogyakarta. That research in herbal medicine which I believe is what drives advances in the medical domain and, ultimately, enhances many people’s quality of life. My home country needs new ideas and mostly young medical professionals, and I want to be one of them. Thus, I would like to prepare for my career by obtaining a master degree. I have chosen to apply for the Leiden University because I really like its system of study of the outstanding and advanced teaching methods and the college's reputation as a leader in herbal medicine and how to standardize it. See it as a chance to enrich my knowledge and professionally outgrowth thereby contribute to the development of the humanity.

 

[lirisnareswari]

Remember:

medicinal herbs

And:

for their families

Is it different between herbal medicine and medicinal herbs?
c

 

[emsr2d2]

Is [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] there a difference between herbal medicine and medicinal herbs?

Note my correction to your question above.

Yes, there is a difference. "Medicinal herbs" are herbs which can be used medicinally but might not yet have been turned into an actual medicine. "Herbal medicines" are substances which have been created so that they are ready to be taken by someone.

I grow medicinal herbs in my garden. Once a week, I collect some of those herbs and make herbal medicine.

 

[Tarheel]

OK, I will now comment on the revised paragraph. The first sentence is fine. The second and third sentences. Perhaps:

Having been interested in the field of herbal medicine for some time, I studied pharmacy with a specialization in herbal medicine in XXXX. During my studies, I did considerable research in that field, worked as a laboratory assistant for two years, became a presenter in outreach programs, educated villagers in East Borneo on how to plant and use medicinal herbs for their families, and took part in an international seminar held in Yogyakarta.

 

[Tarheel]

The next "sentence" is still not a sentence. Perhaps:

I believe that research into herbal medicine is going to spur the advances medicine is going to make in the twenty-first century.

 

[Tarheel]

Next sentence. Say:

I believe my home country needs new ideas and young medical professionals, and I want to be one of them.

 

[Tarheel]

Next sentence. Say:

Thus, I would like to prepare for my career by earning a master's degree.

You can use "obtaining" but I think "earning" is better.

 

[Tarheel]

Next sentence. Say:

I have chosen to apply to Leiden University....

I am not sure about the rest of that sentence.

Finally:

I see studying there as a chance to enrich my knowledge and professional growth thereby contributing of humanity


Maybe Ems will have a comment or two.

 

[lirisnareswari]

Note my correction to your question above.

Yes, there is a difference. "Medicinal herbs" are herbs which can be used medicinally but might not yet have been turned into an actual medicine. "Herbal medicines" are substances which have been created so that they are ready to be taken by someone.

I grow medicinal herbs in my garden. Once a week, I collect some of those herbs and make herbal medicine.

Ooh I see..

 

[lirisnareswari]

Next sentence. Say:

I have chosen to apply to Leiden University....

I am not sure about the rest of that sentence.

Finally:

I see studying there as a chance to enrich my knowledge and professional growth thereby contributing of humanity


Maybe Ems will have a comment or two.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing this letter to apply for admission to the Master of XXXX Program at XXXX University. Having been interested in the field of herbal medicine for some time, I studied pharmacy with a specialization in herbal medicine in XXXX. During my studies, I did considerable research in that field, worked as a laboratory assistant for two years, became a presenter in outreach programs, educated villagers in East Borneo on how to plant and use medicinal herbs for their families, and took part in an international seminar held in Yogyakarta. That research in herbal medicine which I believe is what drives advances in the medical domain and, ultimately, enhances many people’s quality of life. I believe that research into herbal medicine is going to spur the advances medicine is going to make in the twenty-first century. My home country needs new ideas and mostly young medical professionals, and I want to be one of them. My home country needs new ideas and it needs young medical professionals, and I want to be one of them. I believe my home country needs new ideas and young medical professionals, and I want to be one of them. Thus, I would like to prepare for my career by obtaining earning a master degree. I have chosen to apply for the XXX University because I really like its system of study of the outstanding and advanced teaching methods and the college's reputation as a leader in herbal medicine and how to standardize it. See it as a chance to enrich my knowledge and professionally outgrowth thereby contribute to the development of the humanity. I see studying there as a chance to enrich my knowledge and professional growth thereby contributing of humanity.


is it correct?

 

[Tarheel]

I'm sorry. I just noticed my mistake. It's "contribute to". Not "contribute of". (I guess Ems hasn't been by. She would have noticed that.)

 

[Tarheel]

Two things. Say:

...I studied pharmacy with a specialization in herbal medicine at XXXX.

(Please note the "at" there.)

And:

That research in herbal medicine is, I believe, what drives advances in the medical domain and, ultimately, enhances many people's quality of life.

(Now it's a sentence.)

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

My home country needs new ideas, and it needs young medical professionals, and I want to be one of them.

Delete the other two sentences that say almost the same thing.

 

[Tarheel]

Say:

Thus, I would like to prepare for my career by earning a master's degree.

You can use "obtaining" but you should not use both. Choose!

 

[Tarheel]

Finally. Perhaps:

I have chosen to apply to XXX University because of the college's reputation as a leader in herbal medicine.

(As written the sentence says something I don't think you mean to say.)

And:

I see studying there as a chance to enrich my knowledge and professional growth and in a small way make the world a better place.

Finished!

 

[lirisnareswari]

Finally. Perhaps:

I have chosen to apply to XXX University because of the college's reputation as a leader in herbal medicine.

(As written the sentence says something I don't think you mean to say.)

And:

I see studying there as a chance to enrich my knowledge and professional growth and in a small way make the world a better place.

Finished!

I see.. how about the other paragraphs?

 

[Tarheel]

I see.. how about the other paragraphs?

I think it would be best to work on them one at a time. Perhaps you could post the next one right after this post.

 

[lirisnareswari]

I think it would be best to work on them one at a time. Perhaps you could post the next one right after this post.

you mean here?

Indonesia is a big country with many kind of natural resources, including herbal medicine. For a long time ago, people have been used many kind of herbs to maintain their health or curing disease, as we all known as “Jamu”. Unfortunately, people intend to leave this herbal medicine culture with the great development of conventional and modern medicine. But actually the case is, herbal medicine tend to have less side effects and can be used for a long term without worrying long-term effect. The utilization of Jamu is still very limited and hasn’t been scientific. In this case, Indonesia can learn from the developed country, such as Germany, Korean, and China, which make their herbal medicine scientific and use it in their daily life as a complementary therapy, together with conventional medicine. Studies show that the growth, utilization, and knowledge of Indonesian people of herbal medicine is still limited. Even so, with my experience in outreach program and volunteer activity, they have enthusiasm to learn about herbal medicine and want to use it in their daily life if they know the use. The problem is the limitation of human resources who can educate them and understand well about how to treat herbal medicine from crude until becoming a product. Knowing this problem, as a young generation, I realize that I also have responsibility to solve my country’s problem. By first pursuing a master degree in that field of natural product, I can improve my qualification, accelerate my leadership skills and adaptable skills so that I am ready to contribute and make some change in my community as I finish my study.

 

[Tarheel]

Okay, the fun begins again! Say::

Indonesia is a big country with many kinds of natural resources, including medicinal herbs. For a long time, people have been using many kinds of herbs, (The practice of using herbs as medicine is known as Jumal.)