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  1. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #11

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Back to the second paragraph. Say:

    Then his colleagues decided to populate them with poor working-class people and immigrants, who would be satisfied to have enough food and a roof over their heads.

    There has got to be a better way to describe them than "poor working-class people". After all, people who have money got that way because they worked for it. (People who don't work don't usually have much money.)
    Last edited by Tarheel; 09-Dec-2016 at 21:29.

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    #12

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Could I use "low-wage workers" instead of "poor working-class"?

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #13

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Perhaps:

    ...bodyguards spill out looking around and up into the sky, ready for anything.

    And:

    the multicultural suburb where dozens of different nations work and live together....

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #14

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Could I use "low-wage workers" instead of "poor working-class"?
    I like that better.


  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #15

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Say:

    Peer pressure is so strong that that you would rather follow the crowd than be different.

    And:

    A boy who openly showed an interest in literature, classical music or ballet would risk being called a sissy and bullied.

    When does that not happen?
    Perhaps:

    A boy who openly showed an interest in literature, classical music or ballet would risk being called a sissy and might be bullied.

  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #16

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Say:

    ...breathe in the exotic smells....

    And:

    ...a scrum of journalists and photographers jostle for position.

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #17

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Third paragraph. Say:

    ...bulky bodyguards wearing sunglasses and earpieces.

    And:

    ...he is kissing a baby in its mother's arms.

  8. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #18

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Fourth paragraph. Say:

    ...and shooting at each other at night.

    And:

    The others are making promises they can't keep.

    The original is not terrible, but I think this one is more natural.

  9. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #19

    Re: Freedom, part two

    Capitalize "Muslim".

  10. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #20

    Re: Freedom, part two

    In the fifth paragraph I believe "sport halls" should be "sports halls" but I shouldn't mention that, because I should leave teechar something to do. Oh wait! I already did mention it.

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