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  1. Newbie
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    #1

    [Essay] Please correct any grammar mistakes in this essay

    Hello again

    I am writing an essay with several topics or questions :

    1. Describe an experience with discrimination, whether it was fighting against discrimination or recognizing your contribution to discriminating against a person or group. What did you learn from the experience?

    2. In what ways will you bring those lessons to the University?

    This essay was made as a required document to register into a social diversity club in the university.
    Please check if there any grammatical error. Thank you.

    Sincerely,

    Aisyah.

    Discrimination is still flare to happen in my country. Even discrimination against personal taste. For example, music tastes. I love to hear to Korean Pop songs. I highly excited while I watch Kpop music videos, or watch their concerts. However, people from other music genre fandoms are often presumed that Kpop music is lame. They used to insult my favourite groups as “people made from plastics” or “dancing plastic dolls” because the issues regarding plastic surgery among Kpop singers have largely spread.

    Fortunately, the kind of discrimination was not last long, although it may still exist in other specific areas. I played several popular Kpop musics to their ears, and they immediately dance along with. One of many ploys my fellow Kpop fans and I use is to stand against harassment of our unique fondness is to make sure they eventually see Kpop from different perspective.

    Other form of discrimination I have undergone is religious discrimination. Indonesia does still have some racists that mocking Muslim women for wearing veils. So do I, that sometimes mocked or cat called while I walk on the street.

    Ironically, my family has been appertained as fairly devoted Muslims from our Great Grandfather generation, that we evidently influenced under predisposition of party that practically discriminative towards other religion. Wearing veil while going outside the house is an obligatory mandate in the family tradition. We were indoctrinated to restrict ourselves towards other people with different religion. It was hard for me to receive my parent’s permit to pursue Bachelor’s degree overseas. The reason was simple. They were afraid if their daughter is harassed in countries where Muslims are minority. I was clearly touched. It proved that my parents do really love me. But then, I realized that define ourselves from expanding knowledge and exploring the world just because the citizen of the destined country is dominated by other religion affiliations, is ridiculous. After did numerous researches of which country and university that may suitable for me, my parents did grant me their approval.

    When a Christian student applied for a pre-school class on XXX foundation, the institution where I affiliated with, I convinced the principal to accept him and adjusted religion diversity tenet. No matter what religion he may choose, every people has right to pursue their education rights. In result, the institution now has been removed the ‘Must be a Muslim’ requirement from the application form.

    As a sibling of a special need child, i encountered some other experiences wherein some relatives accused my brother as an anathema bearer in front of my face. Some occasions where my brother and I in come into a public place, people are looking at us in displeasing stares. They may assume him as a lunatic person. Luckily, I’ve been engaged with other fellow special need siblings and supportive people who encouraged me to not ashamed of having a unique family member. As I done pulled myself, I gathered my family courage to enrol Umar in an appropriate education tract.

    From these moments, I learned precious things that I could apply in campus life. Unity and diversity are verily not widely and equally spread yet, but there must be ventures to actualize them, obviously. I wish to register as a member in large range of university clubs as possible so that I would more and more understand various of human being. Saya ingin dapat bergabun Helping coequals, either with exactly the same experience with me or any other discrimination, is the optimum contribution I would do in order to realize an anti-discrimination campus life.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Discrimination

    The formating looks good. However, there are other problems. One example is the first sentence, which needs to be entirely rewritten. Perhaps:

    Discrimination is alive and well in my country.

    Of course, that is my sentence, not yours. In any case, the original sentence is unusable.

    Walter E. Williams had some interesting comments on that subject. When he was looking for a wife he discriminated against all men. He further discriminated against nonblack women.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Discrimination

    Perhaps:

    Sometimes people look down on you because of your tastes in music.

    And:

    I love to listen to Korean pop songs.

    Aren't they in Korean?

  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Discrimination

    Perhaps:

    I get very excited while watching Kpop videos or while watching their concerts.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Discrimination

    Say:

    However, people from other music genre fandoms often presume that Kpop music is lame.

    And:

    They used to insult my favorite groups as "people made from plastic" or "dancing plastic dolls" because of stories about plastic surgery and Kpop singers in the popular media.

    There is a difference between discrimination and prejudice.

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