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Thread: A bad vacation

  1. QuanLe's Avatar
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    #1

    Lightbulb A bad vacation

    Hello everyone, this is my second essay, and I am practicing writing in English. Any comments are welcome. Please score my essay and correct it. Thanks.


    In the summer of last year, my mother and I went to RRR city to take a vacation. First my mother and I went to my uncle’s house, his name is Dan and he was greeting to see us. At his room my mother and Dan talk about his affair, meanwhile I went to the beach to meet a girl, which one I had met on dating site.
    Unfortunately at the beach I ran into my ex-girlfriend and her name is Anna, it was horrified. When I met her I was totally loss. I do not know what to say or what to do, so I try to treat her as a simple friend, we talk about job and some things but not important to us. About ten minutes after, my new girlfriend and Sweet is her name come to see us, Anna gave her a strange look and waste goodbye. Then Sweet gave me an angry look and went away, I saw that she was jealous of me and I try to give her some explanation. But it all seemed no point. A week after that I made over one hundred phone calls to Sweet but she did not answer, then my mother and I prepare for our journey back home, I was very sad and try to sleep on way home, it was very sad vacation I have ever had in my life. I did not know what to do to reach her. Please help me, if someone have any ideas please comments, I will grateful for your help.


    PS: This is just a story to practice in English, please do not take it seriously. Let’s enjoy it and make comments.

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    #2

    Re: A bad vacation

    "In the summer of last year" -> " Last summer "

    "About ten minutes after, ..." -> "About ten minutes later, ..." or "About ten minutes after that, ..."

    Watch your tenses. You are mixing the present and past tenses in your narration:
    "my mother and I went [past]..." but "my mother and Dan talk [present]..."
    "When I met [past] her..." but "so I try [present]..." and "we talk [present] about..."

    You should shorten the way you introduce people's names. Here are some possibilities:
    "my uncle’s house, his name is Dan" -> "my uncle Dan's house"
    "I ran into my ex-girlfriend and her name is Anna" -> "I ran into Anna, my ex-girlfriend"
    "
    my new girlfriend and Sweet is her name" -> "my new girlfriend, named Sweet" (I added "named" because "Sweet" is a very unusual name)
    Translator, editor and TESOL certificate holder, but not a teacher. Native speaker of American English (West Coast)

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: A bad vacation

    Quote Originally Posted by QuanLe View Post
    Hello everyone, this is my second essay, and I am practicing writing in English. Any comments are welcome. Please score my essay and correct it. Thanks.


    In the summer of last year, my mother and I went to RRR city to take a vacation.
    Last summer, my mother and I went to RRR on vacation.

    First my mother and I went to my uncle’shouse
    First, my mother and I went to my Uncle Dan's house.

    his name is Dan and

    He was greeting to see us.
    He was delighted/very happy to see us.

    At his room my mother and Dan talk about his affair, meanwhile I went to the beach to meet a girl, which one I had met on dating site.
    At his house, my mother and Dan talked about his affair, while I went to the beach to meet a girl I had met on a dating site.

    Unfortunately at the beach I ran into my ex-girlfriend and her name is Anna, it was horrified.
    At the beach I bumped/ran into my ex-girlfriend, Anna, who was very surprised to see me.

    When I met her I was totally loss.
    I was lost for words/speechless.

    I do not know what to say or what to do, so I try to treat her as a simple friend, we talk about job and some things but not important to us.
    I did not know what to do or say, so I tried to treat her just as a friend and we chatted about our jobs and other trivia.

    About ten minutes after, my new girlfriend and Sweet is her name come to see us, Anna gave her a strange look and waste goodbye.
    About ten minutes later, Sweet, the girl I had met on the dating site, arrived. Anna gave her a strange look and said/waved goodbye.

    Then Sweet gave me an angry look and went away,
    Sweet glared at me and left.

    I saw that she was jealous of me and I try to give her some explanation. But it all seemed no point.
    I could see that she was jealous and I tried to explain but it was pointless.

    A week after that I made over one hundred phone calls to Sweet but she did not answer,
    During the following week, I tried to call Sweet over a hundred times but she didn't answer.

    then my mother and I prepare for our journey back home,
    Soon it was time for my mother and I to prepare for our journey home.

    I was very sad and try to sleep on way home,
    On the way home, I was very sad and tried to sleep [to take my mind off it].

    it was very sad vacation I have ever had in my life.
    It was the saddest vacation I have ever taken.

    I did not know what to do to reach her.
    I did/do not know what to do to get back in touch with Sweet.

    Please help me, if someone have any ideas please comments, I will grateful for your help.
    If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I will be very grateful.
    Please see my suggested versions of your sentences above.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  4. teechar's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: A bad vacation

    Quote Originally Posted by QuanLe View Post
    RRR city
    If the word "city" is part of that city's name, then capitalize it. Otherwise, don't use it. For example,
    We went to Salt Lake City.
    We went to Paris.
    (no "city")

  5. QuanLe's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: A bad vacation

    Hello emsr2d2,

    I see that you had changed all of my text, is that non of sentence in my text correct? or you just made it simpler.

    Thank you so much.

  6. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: A bad vacation

    I made any changes I deemed necessary, either grammatically or to result in natural English.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  7. teechar's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: A bad vacation

    Quote Originally Posted by QuanLe View Post
    Hello emsr2d2,

    I see that you had have changed all of my text. is Was that because none of the sentences in my text was correct, or did you just want to made make it simpler?

    Thank you so much.
    .

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