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  1. Key Member
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    #1

    As the doctor with a grave face

    I am wondering if my sentences sound natural. Would you please correct my mistakes?

    1. As the doctor with a grave face came in the room, a reverent silence fell over the relatives.

    or should I write instead:

    2. As the doctor, his face grave, came in the room, a reverent silence fell over the relatives.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: As the doctor with a grave face

    The first doesn't work because it sounds as if everyone knows this "doctor with a grave face" (as if he never has any other expression).
    I'd use the second but with "into" instead of "in".
    I'd probably use "fell across" rather than "fell over".

    In fact, I might even say "As the doctor, his face grave, entered, a reverent silence fell across the room". Admittedly, that loses the information that the people in the room were all relatives but, if that's not an important thing for the reader to know, it will still be clear that all the people in the room fell silent.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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