Page 1 of 2 1 2 Last
Results 1 to 10 of 19
  1. Member
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China

    • Join Date: Jan 2016
    • Posts: 262
    #1

    Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Hello, there. My students were asked to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of square dance and give their own opinions. And finally, I want to give them a possible version. Will someone, who is kind enough, check it and make some corrections and improvements? I really appreciate your help. The possible version goes as follows:

    Nowadays, square dance is very popular in China. Many people exercise square dance every day and they become healthier than before now. They can also make more friends when they dance with others, so they enjoy it a lot. But some people think the music is too noisy for the children to do their homework. Sometimes people can't have a good sleep.
    Of course square dance is a good activity for people to keep healthy, but they also need to turn down the music in order to keep our environment some quiet.





    Last edited by emsr2d2; 11-Jan-2017 at 21:38. Reason: Removed unnecessary bold

  2. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 7,310
    #2

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Nowadays, square dancing is very popular in China. Many people exercise square dance practise it every day, and they have become healthier as a result. than before now. They can also make more friends when they dance with others, so they enjoy it a lot. But some people local residents think the music is too noisy for their children to do their homework. Sometimes people also say they can't have a good sleep because of the loud music.
    Of course, square dancing is a good activity for people to keep healthy, but they also need to turn down the music in order to avoid issues associated with noise. keep our environment some quiet.
    .

  3. Member
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China

    • Join Date: Jan 2016
    • Posts: 262
    #3

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Quote Originally Posted by teechar View Post
    .
    First, thanks again for your help. And I have a kind of thought about "also" in my composition. Can I write something like "... Besides, they can make more friends when they dance with others..." to avoid the repetition of "also" here? For the same reason, I prefer to write "However, some local residents think..." to avoid the repetition of "but". So the whole writing goes as follows:

    Nowadays, square dancing is very popular in China. Many people practise it every day, and they have become healthier as a result. Besides, they can make more friends when they dance with others, so they enjoy it a lot. However, some local residents think the music is too noisy for their children to do their homework. Sometimes people also say they can't sleep because of the loud music.
    Of course, square dancing is a good activity for people to keep healthy, but at the same time they need to turn down the music in order to avoid issues associated with noise and keep a quiet environment.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 11-Jan-2017 at 21:39. Reason: Removed unnecessary bold

  4. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 7,310
    #4

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Delete "keep a quiet environment"; it's not very natural. Otherwise, your text is okay.

  5. emsr2d2's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 44,869
    #5

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    RodgersWhite, I have a bit of an issue with your post. You are an English teacher, a job for which, presumably, you are being paid. You should be able to give your students a grammatically correct paragraph without any assistance. If you are unable to do that, how can you teach them? If we look at the number of errors in your paragraph (clearly corrected by teechar in post #2), we can see that you have quite a few problems.

    The issue I have is that you, a paid teacher, are now going to give your students a piece of writing that you weren't actually able to write yourself and which, in fact, we (volunteers) wrote and which, presumably, you will pass off as being your own work to both your students and your employers. Can you see how that is unfair both on us and on your students?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  6. Member
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China

    • Join Date: Jan 2016
    • Posts: 262
    #6

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Quote Originally Posted by teechar View Post
    Delete "keep a quiet environment"; it's not very natural. Otherwise, your text is okay.
    I really appreciate your help!
    Last edited by teechar; 12-Jan-2017 at 13:30. Reason: small adjustment

  7. Member
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China

    • Join Date: Jan 2016
    • Posts: 262
    #7

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    RodgersWhite, I have a bit of an issue with your post. You are an English teacher, a job for which, presumably, you are being paid. You should be able to give your students a grammatically correct paragraph without any assistance. If you are unable to do that, how can you teach them? If we look at the number of errors in your paragraph (clearly corrected by teechar in post #2), we can see that you have quite a few problems.

    The issue I have is that you, a paid teacher, are now going to give your students a piece of writing that you weren't actually able to write yourself and which, in fact, we (volunteers) wrote and which, presumably, you will pass off as being your own work to both your students and your employers. Can you see how that is unfair both on us and on your students?
    I understand what you feel and I am really sorry.To be honest with you, many English teachers ,like me in middle schools of rural areas in China, have a low English proficiency because of various reasons. Teachers with a high level of English proficiency usually don't want to teach in a country school in a small place because there are many better jobs waiting for them in big cities. Thus, English teachers are badly needed in these rural areas. What's worse, we have few chances to speak English with native speakers and practise writing with English-speaking pen pals. Thanks to the Internet, I found this wonderful English -learning website last year. So I can improve my English proficiency now with your selfless help. I am not a lazy teacher, and I have been working hard these years. I listen to the English radios and watch Sky News on my computer every day.I often take notes while seeing tweets and reading English books.I just want to be a good teacher. As a matter of fact, I can choose other jobs, which give me much better pay than being a teacher(In China, teachers usually have a low salary,especially for rural teachers.) However, I love my students and English. That's the reason why I still stay where I am. More importantly, I feel what I am doing is meaningful and I am not alone. With your sincere and kind help, I can offer my students a better service , which is not for money but for their better future. So my gratitude is just beyond words. Finally, I want to make it clear that the corrected version of writing is never passed off as my own work.Actually, in class I always tell my students that there is a great website, which is helping us with our English all the time.That is "https://www.usingenglish.com". It is your hard work that makes my dream and my students' dreams more beautiful and real. Thank you for everything you've done for my students and me ,and wish you a happy and peaceful 2017!
    Last edited by rodgers white; 12-Jan-2017 at 23:02.

  8. Key Member
    Interested in Language
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • Malaysia
      • Current Location:
      • Malaysia

    • Join Date: Apr 2014
    • Posts: 3,732
    #8

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Delete "keep a quiet environment"; it's not very natural.
    How about "to preserve/maintain a peaceful/quiet environment"? Of course it is quite simillar to "to avoid issues associated with noise".


    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    I understand what how you feel and I am really sorry.(space)To be honest with you, many English teachers (no comma here and no space before a comma) like me in middle schools of rural areas in China (no comma) have a low English proficiency because of various reasons. Teachers with a high level of English proficiency usually don't want to teach in a country school in a small place because there are many better jobs waiting for them in big cities. Thus, English teachers are badly needed in these rural areas. What's worse, we have few chances very little opportunity to speak English with native speakers and practise writing with English-speaking pen-pals. Thanks to the Internet, I found this wonderful English -learning website last year. So I can improve my English proficiency now with your selfless help. I am not a lazy teacher, and I have been working hard these years. I listen to the English radios and watch Sky News on my computer every day. (space after a full-stop) I often take notes while seeing tweets and reading English books. I just want to be a good teacher. As a matter of fact, I can choose other jobs, which give me much better pay than being a teacher(In China, teachers usually have a low salary, (space) especially for rural teachers.) However, I love my students and English. That's the reason why I still stay where I am. More importantly, I feel what I am doing is meaningful and I am not alone. With your sincere and kind help, I can offer my students a better service(no space), which is not for money but for their better future. So my gratitude is just beyond words. Finally, I want to make it clear that the corrected version of writing is never not meant to be passed off as my own work.(space) Actually, in class I always tell my students that there is a great website, which is helping us with our English all the time,(space)that is "https://www.usingenglish.com". It is your hard work that makes my dream and my students' dreams more beautiful and real. Thank you for everything you've done for my students and me(no space),and wish you a happy and peaceful 2017!
    Other than the spacing problem with the text, I do not see much problem with OP's written English.

    I agree with RogerWhite that the low standard of English is prevalent in most Asian countries, especially those where the language is not widely used, such as China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Indonesia and Vietnam. Without the exposure to a language, it is uphill task to raise the level of proficiency in a language. The internet and forums like this has indeed proven to be invaluable in providing the needed exposure.
    Last edited by tedmc; 13-Jan-2017 at 04:36.
    I am not a teacher.

  9. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 7,310
    #9

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    we have few chances to speak English
    That's fine as it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    I listen to the English radio stations in English and watch Sky News on my computer every day.
    See above.

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    I often take notes while seeing reading tweets and reading English books.
    See above.

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    In China, teachers usually have a low salary,especially for in rural areas. teachers.
    See above.

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Finally, I want to make it clear that the corrected version of writing is never passed off as my own work.
    That's fine as it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Thank you for everything you've done for my students and me, and I wish you a happy and peaceful 2017!
    You're welcome, and I wish you a happy new year (Gregorian and Chinese).

  10. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 7,310
    #10

    Re: Please help check the possible version for students' composition.

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    How about "to preserve/maintain a peaceful/quiet environment"? Of course it is quite similar to "to avoid issues associated with noise".

    Other than the spacing problem with the text, I do not see much many problems with the OP's written English.

    I agree with RogerWhite that the low standard of English is prevalent low in most Asian countries, especially those where the language is not widely used, such as China, Japan, Korea, Thailand, Indonesia and Vietnam. Without the exposure to a language, it is an uphill task to raise the level of proficiency in it. a language. The internet and forums like this has have indeed proven to be invaluable in providing the needed exposure.
    .

Page 1 of 2 1 2 Last

Similar Threads

  1. Please help check the possible version for students' composition.
    By rodgers white in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-May-2016, 10:50
  2. [General] Please help check the possible version for students' composition
    By rodgers white in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 18-Jan-2016, 23:39
  3. [Grammar] check please the composition
    By BlowUp in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 20-Nov-2013, 21:57
  4. please, check my writing composition...
    By amir2009 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 24-Oct-2009, 11:48
  5. Please check my composition
    By Raiph in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 24-May-2006, 22:45

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •