[Essay] I will be SO grateful if someone checks and evaluates my motivational letter :)

[ElizabethReal]

Dear Sir or Madame,
I am a high school student with excellent grades and some significant achievements in my school life, and I would love to bring my endless enthusiasm and passion to your school.
I always consider myself to be a part of Russian culture since I am half-Russian and my father’s homeland is XXX, a small town in XXX region.
Since my early years, I like the spirit of rivalry and even the attendant difficulties make me happy because I do enjoy the power I have over myself and my personal desires. As an example, I took first place on the final national stage of the olympiad in history and the third place on the final national stage of the english olympiad. Overall, I believe that the process of achieving something on my own was even more beneficial for me than the victories. My results in English were not satisfactory for me, though, so I worked hard to improve myself in this realm and in consequence, I scored 7.5 on IELTS this year.
I have several experiences in foreign countries. I spent about a month in XXX studying in a boarding school and about 2 weeks in a XXX summer camp as a winner of the art contest.
Some years ago I gained an unreplaceable experience that defined what kind of person I want to be in the future. One of my classmates got a major issue with a teacher at our school, was bullied by our peers and eventually was made to leave. There was a moment when I was in despair because of my inability to change the situation and that feeling pushed me to realize that my true vocation is to help innocent people, to fight for their rights and to support them when there is nobody around. Thus Jurisprudence specialty seems to match my nature most of all.
Born and raised in a tiny town, I realize that it can be struggling to get as good knowledge here as in big cities and capitals, especially when it comes to foreign languages. In the future, I want to contribute to the development of education in Russian regions and provide all students with equal available access to learning resources regardless their geographical position and social status.
Oprah Winfrey once said: «Everybody wants to fulfill the highest, truest expression of yourself as a human being». In my view, Higher School of Economics will allow me to do so in a best possible way. In my opinion, the updated way of applying for international students shows the university as a very democratic educational establishment. The fact that the Higher School of Economics has grown into one of the best universities in the country over two decades proves the high level of teaching and depths of knowledge getting there.
Thank you for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

 

[teechar]

Posted and answered in another forum.

https://www.englishforums.com/Engli...sEvaluates-MotivationalLetter/blbxqh/post.htm

 

[emsr2d2]

Dear Sir or Madame,
I am a high school student with excellent grades and some significant achievements in my school life, and I would love to bring my endless enthusiasm and passion to your school.
I always consider myself to be a part of Russian culture since I am half-Russian and my father’s homeland is XXX, a small town in XXX region.
Since my early years, I like the spirit of rivalry and even the attendant difficulties make me happy because I do enjoy the power I have over myself and my personal desires. As an example, I took first place on the final national stage of the olympiad in history and the third place on the final national stage of the english olympiad. Overall, I believe that the process of achieving something on my own was even more beneficial for me than the victories. My results in English were not satisfactory for me, though, so I worked hard to improve myself in this realm and in consequence, I scored 7.5 on IELTS this year.
I have several experiences in foreign countries. I spent about a month in XXX studying in a boarding school and about 2 weeks in a XXX summer camp as a winner of the art contest.
Some years ago I gained an unreplaceable experience that defined what kind of person I want to be in the future. One of my classmates got a major issue with a teacher at our school, was bullied by our peers and eventually was made to leave. There was a moment when I was in despair because of my inability to change the situation and that feeling pushed me to realize that my true vocation is to help innocent people, to fight for their rights and to support them when there is nobody around. Thus Jurisprudence specialty seems to match my nature most of all.
Born and raised in a tiny town, I realize that it can be struggling to get as good knowledge here as in big cities and capitals, especially when it comes to foreign languages. In the future, I want to contribute to the development of education in Russian regions and provide all students with equal available access to learning resources regardless their geographical position and social status.
Oprah Winfrey once said: «Everybody wants to fulfill the highest, truest expression of yourself as a human being». In my view, Higher School of Economics will allow me to do so in a best possible way. In my opinion, the updated way of applying for international students shows the university as a very democratic educational establishment. The fact that the Higher School of Economics has grown into one of the best universities in the country over two decades proves the high level of teaching and depths of knowledge getting there.
Thank you for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Quoting full text in case OP tries to delete it from post #1.