[Essay] Selective school essay introduction practice.

[itosan4]

The prompt is "I didn't go to her funeral"
Sorry for being annoying, but please give feedback on what I can do to improve and also grade it as a year 9 selective school essay. We only get 15 minutes to write and I'm wondering if the introduction is long enough and is the hook good enough. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

Have you ever had one of those days when you can't accept what happened, like one of your pets died or you lost your favourite toy? I have but on a much more serious note, a sin that can't be forgiven. I didn't go to her funeral.

 

[Tdol]

It works to take us on to the next stage- the reader is naturally curious about the reason for not going and why you now consider this a sin. I would use like when one of your pets died.

 

[itosan4]

How would I use like one your pets died.

 

[emsr2d2]

"Like one your pets died" is ungrammatical so there is no way to use it.

 

[itosan4]

Sorry it was "like one of you're pets died"

 

[emsr2d2]

Even with the extra word, it's ungrammatical. Also, you've now written "you're" instead of "your", which is incorrect.

Imagine a situation, like when one of your pets died and you were very sad.
Imagine a situation, like one of your pets has died and you're very sad.