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  1. Member
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    #1

    Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    With only two weeks to go before Christmas, buying presents is a high priority for a lot of people. However, this year not so many people are leaving their homes to go shopping. These days lots of people can do their shopping in the comfort of their own home with the help of the Internet.
    Online shopping is becoming more and more popular for a number of reasons: prices are often lower online; you donít have to queue up in busy shops and you can buy almost any product imaginable with just a few clicks of your mouse.
    Both male and female are buying into the trend, but women are expected to do more shopping on the Internet than men. It seems women are now more attracted to the convenience of online shopping than they used to be. Average spending online this Christmas by women will rise to £240(3,360)compared to the slightly lower average of £233(3,262 yuan) for men.
    In the past a lot of people were reluctant to shop online. Many were worried about the security of entering their card details on the Internet and the reliability of the Internet but as shopping online has become more widespread, these worries have begun to disappear. 45% of Internet users still do have security worries but it hasnít slowed down the ever-increasing numbers of online shoppers.
    One victim of the online shopping boom is the UK high street. The average spending per person on the high street in only £197. 70% of Internet users who are now buying their Christmas gifts online. Christmas trading can represent up to 60% of the business for some stores. Many companies are concerned that not enough shoppers are coming through their doors in the run-up to Christmas. As a result there are lots of special offers in the shops. Most shops traditionally have sales after Christmas but this year the bargains have come early in an attempt to attract consumers to spend.
    The task is: According to the article above, please write a summary within 80 words only using your own words.


    This is a kind of writing practice for my students to summarize a short passage of around 300 words to within 80 words. What's more, they are asked to write only with their own words. This post is just my attempt at summarizing and I hope someone would be kind enough to help proofread it. It serves as an example for my students to follow after I finish checking their summaries.

    ******************************

    My summary goes as follows:

    This year, people are doing Christmas shopping online at home rather than leave their homes for cheaper goods and more convenience.
    With increasing popularity of online shopping, women spend more than men. Although safety is a major concern for shopping online, still more and more people choose to shop online. Because of the pressure from widespread online shopping, traditional shops in the UK high street began their sales promotion earlier this Christmas.


    ******************************
    Last edited by rodgers white; 04-Feb-2017 at 03:07.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Try:

    These days people are doing their shopping online rather than at the mall. It is cheaper and more convenient online. With the increasing popularity of online shopping, women are spending more than men.

  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    And:

    Although safety is a major concern for online shoppers, more and more people are choosing to shop online. Because of the pressure from widespread online shopping, traditional shops in the UK high street began their sales promotions earlier this Christmas season.

  4. Member
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    #4

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Many thanks for your time. When I was young, my English teacher always told me that excessive repetition can indicate poor writing. So, you see there are two instances of "online shopping" and "shop online" in the text below. Maybe I can write " These days people are buying Christmas gifts on the Internet rather than at the mall because it is cheaper and more convenient." instead of "These days people are doing their shopping online rather than at the mall.It is cheaper and more convenient online. " Also, I want to change "from widespread online shopping" into "from this widespread trend". What do you think?
    These days people are doing their shopping online rather than at the mall. It is cheaper and more convenient online. With the increasing popularity of online shopping, women are spending more than men. Although safety is a major concern for online shoppers, more and more people are choosing to shop online. Because of the pressure from widespread online shopping, traditional shops in the UK high street began their sales promotions earlier this Christmas season.
    The possible version:

    These days people are buying Christmas gifts on the Internet rather than at the mall because it is cheaper and more convenient. With the increasing popularity of online shopping, women are spending more than men. Although safety is a major concern for online shoppers, more and more people are choosing to shop online. Because of the pressure from this widespread trend, traditional shops in the UK high street began their sales promotions earlier this Christmas season.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 04-Feb-2017 at 16:04.

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Two things. One, you lost some clarity in the rewrite. In the first version, it is clear what is cheaper and more convenient. In the second version it is not clear what is cheaper and more convenient. Second, in the first version "pressure" is used to mean "competition" but in the second version it loses that meaning.

  6. Member
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    #6

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    Two things. One, you lost some clarity in the rewrite. In the first version, it is clear what is cheaper and more convenient. In the second version it is not clear what is cheaper and more convenient. Second, in the first version "pressure" is used to mean "competition" but in the second version it loses that meaning.
    Thanks for your explanation, but I am not clear about how to avoid the repetition of "online shopping". Can you please give your own version without repetition?
    Last edited by rodgers white; 05-Feb-2017 at 16:32.

  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    My version is in posts two and three.

  8. Member
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    #8

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    My version is in posts two and three.
    OK, thank you for your time. I just want to avoid some unnecessary repetition.

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