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  1. Member
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    #1

    Please check my continuation writing and help polish it. Many thanks in advance.

    Steve, a twelve-year-old boy with alcoholic parents, was about to be lost forever, by the U.S. education system. He could read, yet, in spite of his reading skills, Steve was failing. He had been failing since first grade. Steve was a big boy, looking more like a teenager than a twelve-year-old, yet, Steve went unnoticed…until Miss White came.
    Miss White was a smiling, young, beautiful lady. For the first time in his young life, Steve couldn’t take his eyes off his teacher; yet, still he failed.
    In the middle of the first semester of school, the entire seventh grade was tested for basic skills. Steve hurried through his tests, and continued to dream of other things. His heart was not in school, but in the woods, where he often escaped alone camping there, trying to shut out the sights, sounds and smells of his alcoholic home. No one checked on him to see if he was safe. No one knew he was gone because no one cared. Oddly, Steve never missed a day of school.
    One day, Miss White’s impatient voice broke into his daydreams.
    “Steve!” Startled, he turned to look at her.
    “Pay attention!” She began to go over the test results for the seventh grade.
    “You all did pretty well,” she told the class, “ except for one boy, and it breaks my heart to tell you this, but…” She hesitated, pinning Steve to his seat with a sharp stare, her eyes searching his face.
    “… The smartest boy in the seventh grade is failing my class!”
    She just stared at Steve, as the class spun around for a good look. Steve dropped his eyes and carefully examined his fingertips.
    After that, Steve still wouldn’t do his homework. Even as the punishment became more severe, he remained stubborn.
    “Just try it! ONE WEEK!” He was unmoved.
    “You’re smart enough! You’ll see a change!” Nothing fazed him.
    “Give yourself a chance! Don’t give up on your life!” Nothing.
    “Steve! I care about you!”
    Wow! Suddenly, Steve got it! Someone cared about him? Someone, so beautiful and perfect, CARED ABOUT HIM?!
    ************************************************** **************************************************

    The text above is in a reference book for Chinese students to prepare for their English examinations,which mainly include three styles of writing---practical writing, continuation writing and summary writing. The reference book is named " Five years' real exam papers and three years' mock exam papers".

    The task is to do a continuation writing. The requirements are as follows:
    I. The word limit is around 150, but no less than 130.
    II. At least six underlined keywords or expressions must be used and highlighted as well in your continuation writing.
    III.Your continuation writing is divided into two paragraphs whose first sentences have already been given.

    Paragraph 1:
    Steve went home from school, thoughtful, that afternoon. ___________________________

    Paragraph 2:
    The following Monday, Miss White, gave a quiz on the weekend homework. ____________

    Steve went home from school, thoughtful, that afternoon. Walking into the house, he took one look around. Both parents were drunken and passed out, and the room was filled with smell of alcohol! With a look of disgust, he quickly gathered up his camping equipment, a jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, a bottle of water, and this time… his schoolbooks. Determined, he headed for the woods.
    The following Monday, Miss White, gave a quiz on the weekend homework. Steve hurried through the test, and was the first to hand in his paper. Then he walked back to his desk, sitting and looking at the beautiful lady. Obviously puzzled, Miss White took his paper and began to look it over. And then Miss White was in total shock! Suddenly, her face broke into a bright smile. The smartest boy in the seventh grade had just passed his first test!

    The above is my own version. It serves as a possible version for my students after I finish checking their work. I hope someone would be kind enough to check it and help polish it. Many thanks in advance.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 07-Feb-2017 at 03:02.

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help polish it. Many thanks in advance

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    Steve went home from school, thoughtful, that afternoon. Walking into the house, he took one look around. Both his parents were drunk en and had passed out, and the room was filled with the smell of alcohol! With a look of disgust, he quickly gathered up his camping equipment, a jar of peanut butter, a loaf of bread, a bottle of water, and this time … his schoolbooks. Determined, he headed for the woods.
    The following Monday, Miss White, gave a quiz on the weekend homework. Steve hurried through the test, and was the first to hand in his paper. Then he walked back to his desk, sitting and looking at the beautiful lady. Obviously puzzled, Miss White took his paper and began to look it over. And then Miss White She was in total shock! Suddenly, her face broke into a bright smile. The smartest boy in the seventh grade had just passed his first test!
    .

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    #3

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help polish it. Many thanks in advance

    *************************
    Steve went home from school, thoughtful, that afternoon. He was too overjoyed to unbelieve that Miss White said she cared about him as he was born in a alcoholic home,and was abandoned by his alcoholic parents. After washing his face to calm down for a while, he realized that Miss White had encouraged him all the time but he wasn’t aware of that the smartest boy said by Miss White actually point him. From that afternoon, Steve did his utmost to learn.
    The following Monday, Miss White, gave a quiz on the weekend homework. Out of her expectation, Steve paid attention to his tests. When the test was over, Miss White talk with Steve why he changed as another person. Steve smiled and said “ One afternoon, I know somebody cares about me and my life will be failed any more.

    *************************
    The above was written by one of my students. And the following was the version after I proofread my student's work.
    Please check the following and help me further improve it. Many thanks in advance.


    *************************
    Steve went home from school, thoughtful, that afternoon. He was too overjoyed to believe that Miss White said she cared about him, as he was born in an alcoholic home and always felt no one in this world loved him when he was obviously ignored by his alcoholic parents. After washing his face to calm down for a while at home, he realized that Miss White had encouraged him all the time, but he just wasn’t aware of that. The smartest boy mentioned by Miss White in class actually was him. From that afternoon, Steve did his utmost to learn what was taught in school.
    The following Monday, Miss White, gave a quiz on the weekend homework. Out of her expectation, Steve took his test quickly and was the first to hand in his paper. When the test was over, Miss White talked with Steve about what had made him pass his first test and why he changed so much. Steve smiled and said “ On one afternoon, I learned somebody cared about me and I do not want to fail her any more.”

    **************************
    To be honest, it is your earnest manner that inspires me to perfect my work, be it my own version or the correction for my students. Many thanks for all your help and support.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 09-Feb-2017 at 16:32.

  4. teechar's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help polish it. Many thanks in advance

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white;1299006
    [I
    Steve went home from school, thoughtful, that afternoon. [/I]He was too overjoyed to unbelieve that Miss White said she cared about him, as he was born into a alcoholic home and was abandoned by his alcoholic parents. After washing his face to calm himself down, for a while, he realized that Miss White had encouraged him all the time along but he wasn't aware of that. The smartest boy said by that Miss White actually meant was point him.

    From that afternoon, Steve did his utmost to learn.
    The following Monday, Miss White gave a quiz on the weekend homework. Surprisingly, Out of her expectation, Steve took the test seriously. paid attention to his tests. When the test was over, Miss White talked with Steve why about how he had changed as another person. Steve smiled and said “ One afternoon, I know realized that somebody cared about me and my life will not be one of a failed person any more.

    *************************
    The above was written by one of my students. And the following was the version after I proofread my student's work.
    Please check the following and help me further improve it. Many thanks in advance.


    *************************
    Steve went home from school, thoughtful, that afternoon. He was too overjoyed to believe that Miss White said she cared about him, as he was born in an alcoholic home and always felt no one in this world loved him when he was obviously ignored by his alcoholic parents. After washing his face to calm himself down, for a while at home, he realized that Miss White had encouraged him all the time, but he just wasn’t aware of that. The smartest boy mentioned by Miss White in class actually was him. From that afternoon, Steve did his utmost to learn what was taught in school.

    The following Monday, Miss White, gave a quiz on the weekend homework.
    Out of her expectation, Unexpectedly, Steve took finished his test quickly and was the first to hand in his paper. When the test was over, Miss White talked with Steve about what had made him pass his first test and why he changed so much. Steve smiled and said “ On One afternoon, I learned that somebody cared about me, and I do not want to fail her any more.” [But the given word was "failed."]

    **************************
    To be honest, it is your earnest manner that inspires me to perfect my work, be it my own version or the correction for my students. Many thanks for all your help and support.
    .

  5. Member
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    #5

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help polish it. Many thanks in advance

    I do not want to fail her any more.” [But the given word was "failed."]
    You are right. Maybe I should make a change like this: He was overjoyed that Miss White, a smiling, young and beautiful lady, said she cared about him. So I can just forget whether it is right or not to underline "fail".

  6. teechar's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help polish it. Many thanks in advance

    I wouldn't. In that narrative, Steve was getting encouragement, support and approval from his teacher, not from a young lady he met at a cafe or a bar!

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