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    #1

    Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Original text:

    By today’s standards, my mobile phone is pretty rubbish. It’s Nokia 1616, a small, not very heavy device with which you can send and receive calls and messages. It also has a handy torch on the top. Other than that, my phone doesn’t do much. It’s nothing compared to a smartphone. Why would I want one of those?
    I have often been told that the big advantage of having a smartphone is that: “You can do everything with them!” Okay, they may have endless functions, but generally they are used for checking social networking sites, playing games, and receiving and replying to emails. I’m happy just doing all of those things on my laptop.
    As far as I can tell, the best thing about having a smartphone is that you can connected to the Internet all the time. I love the Internet, but I just don’t see the point of constantly being online. I would think that if someone needed me urgently, they would just ring me rather than send an email. And my trusty Nokia can manage that.
    One peculiar effect of the smartphone is, in my opinion, the addiction to maps and navigation systems. Is there anything more boring than knowing exactly where you are all of the time? How do you get to know an area if you don’t get lost there a few times? Is it true that we all occasionally need to be pointed in the right direction, but I find that there are often real life humans you can ask.
    There are many benefits of having a very basic mobile phone, like the fact that it cost me about twenty pounds, and that I don’t have to worry about much about it being stolen. But the main benefit has to be the fact that it provides me with the world’s greatest excuse for my bad habits. Whether it’s turning up late to events, or forgetting about an appointment at work.,I’m pretty sure I’m covered with the explanation: “ I’m really sorry. I don’t have a smartphone.



    The task is According to the article above, please write a summary within 80 words only using your own words

    The following is just my attempt at summarizing and I hope someone would proofread it and polish it. It serves as an example for my students to follow after I finish checking their summaries. Many thanks in advance.

    *********************

    I prefer to use my ordinary cell phone rather than a smartphone. Why? First, the frequently used functions of a smartphone can be performed by my computer. Second, daily communications don’t require keeping online all the time by smartphone. Third, asking for directions is what you should experience personally rather than referring to a smartphone. Most importantly, can you find a better excuse than having no smartphone when you make mistakes such as being late in life?

    *********************
    Last edited by rodgers white; 11-Feb-2017 at 17:03. Reason: Removed quote box to make it easier to resond

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Did the task really say "According to the article above, ..."? That's wrong.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. Member
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    #3

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    Did the task really say "According to the article above, ..."? That's wrong.
    Yes. According to your understanding, what is the proper way to say that?
    Last edited by rodgers white; 11-Feb-2017 at 16:57.

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    #4

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    It should have just said "Summarise the article above in your own words in 80 words or less".

    "According to the article above" isn't appropriate. Also, "According to your understanding ..." in your post is incorrect. You could have said "According to you ...".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #5

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    It should have just said "Summarise the article above in your own words in 80 words or less".

    "According to the article above" isn't appropriate. Also, "According to your understanding ..." in your post is incorrect. You could have said "According to you ...".
    So, can I write "Summarize the article above in your own words in 80 words but no less than 40 words."? Is that OK?

  6. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    I notice you have edited post 3. Please don't edit posts after they've received responses. Part of my response in post #4 now doesn't make sense.

    I would shorten your latest version to "Please summarise the article above in your own words, using between 40 and 80 words".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #7

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I notice you have edited post 3. Please don't edit posts after they've received responses. Part of my response in post #4 now doesn't make sense.

    I would shorten your latest version to "Please summarise the article above in your own words, using between 40 and 80 words".
    Sorry for my ignorance. I will change back. Many thanks for your patient guidance.

  8. teechar's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    Quote Originally Posted by rodgers white View Post
    I prefer to use my ordinary cell phone rather than a smartphone. Why? First, the frequently used functions of a smartphone can be performed by done on my computer. Second, daily communications I donít require keeping need to be online all the time to be able to contact other people. by smartphone. Third, asking for directions is what you should experience personally rather than referring to a easy enough and does not require a smartphone. Most importantly, can you find a better excuse than having no smartphone when you're make mistakes such as being late for something? in life?
    There are a couple of mistakes in the original text which I haven't bothered to correct.

  9. Member
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    #9

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    There are a couple of mistakes in the original text which I haven't bothered to correct.
    I really appreciate your help and support. If you have time, please correct them.

  10. Member
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    #10

    Re: Please proofread my summary and help polish it.

    *************************
    The smartphone is new fashion today. However, the author has a traditional Nokia which only can send and receive calls and information. Although the smartphone connects with the Internet and has many functions, people mainly use it for communicate and entertainment. What’s more, not all functions such as navigation systems are needed sometimes. As for another, his Nokia is a excellent excuse for his mistakes.

    *************************

    The above was written by one of my students. And the following was the version after I proofread my student's work. Please check the following and help me further improve it, because I just don’t know how to correct my student’s work in 80 words without missing some key points of the original text. Many thanks in advance.


    *************************
    The smartphone is popularly used as the new fashion today. However, I prefer to have a traditional Nokia which can only send and receive calls and messages, because the frequently used functions of a smartphone can be done on my computer. Although the smartphone connects with the Internet and has many functions, people mainly use it for communication and entertainment. Actually, I don’t need to be online all day long to contact other people. What’s more, not all functions such as navigation systems are needed sometimes. For example, asking for directions is easy enough and does not require a smartphone. Most importantly, my Nokia 1616 is an excellent excuse when I am late for something.

    **************************

    This is the last version in exact 80 words after giving a careful thinking:

    *************************
    I prefer to have a traditional Nokia only sending and receiving calls and messages, because the frequently used functions of a smartphone can be done on my computer. Although the smartphone connects with the Internet all the time, actually, I don’t need to be online all day long to contact other people. What’s more, asking for directions is easy enough and does not require a smartphone. Most importantly, my Nokia 1616 is an excellent excuse when I’m late for something.


    Last edited by rodgers white; 12-Feb-2017 at 05:45.

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