[Essay] (IELTS Writing) Please help can someone check my English and score it?

[m_aplaon]

I'm self studying IELTS and I don't know if my write ups is correct, below is my sample work, please help me.

IELTS Writing Task 2 Question:

People should be allowed to continue to work for as long as they want to, and not be forced to retire at a particular age such as 60 or 65.

Do you agree or disagree?


My Answer:


Individuals ages 60 to 65 is not tolerable to retire as they want to continue work after age of retirement brackets. I absolutely agree to this idea, it will help for them in some view.

There are several advantages for people ages above 60 if they still continue to work. Firstly, their goals in life will not stop, their daily activities will keep going. For example, they try to get up early in the morning to take a bath, to prepare food for breakfast and to leave at home quickly to avoid traffic rush hour in going to work just to keep on time in working place. As they stay working they keep their mind busy and forget unnecessary things that can cause them anxiety. Most especially it will give them courage that they are still useful in spite of their old age, and this could motivate them to work harder to give example to the young people.


On the other hand, their salary is a big help for them in addition to their pension as we all know that the medicine maintenance for old age is terribly high, in this case it will lessen the burden of their love ones. It will help also to boost their emotions because old age people mostly they have high ego to ask assistance from other for their personal needs. Most of them they, just keep in secret their necessary things even though they badly need it.


I believe people over 60 years are allowable to work, granting that they are physically fit to work through the affirmation from the license physician.

 

[tedmc]

Individuals ages 60 to 65 is not tolerable to retire as they want to continue work after age of retirement brackets. I absolutely agree to this idea, it will help for them in some view.

People of the normal retirement age of 60 to 65 should not be made to retire as they may want to continue working. I agree absolutely with the idea, as it would help them in some aspects.

 

[teechar]

People of the normal retirement age of 60 to 65 should not be made to retire as they may want to continue working. I agree absolutely with the idea, as it would help them in some aspects.

That's unnatural.

 

[tedmc]

I tried to minimize the corrections earlier to the original sentence. How about this?

People who reach their retirement age of 60 to 65 should not be made to retire as they may want to continue working. I agree absolutely with the idea, which I think is beneficial to them.

There are several advantages for people aged above 60 [STRIKE]if they still continue to work[/STRIKE] to continue working.

Firstly, their goals in life will not stop,their daily activities will keep going.

They would have the chance to continue pursuing their career goals and keep themselves active working.

For example, they try to get up early in the morning to take a bath, to prepare food for breakfast and to leave at home quickly to avoid traffic rush hour in going to work just to keep on time in working place.

For example, they [STRIKE]try to[/STRIKE] get to continue with their daily routine which they have been following for decades - get up early in the morning to take a bath, [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] prepare food for breakfast and[STRIKE] to[/STRIKE] leave [STRIKE]at[/STRIKE] home quickly to avoid traffic rush hour [STRIKE]in going[/STRIKE] to go to work [STRIKE]just to keep[/STRIKE] on time[STRIKE]in working place[/STRIKE].

As they stay working they keep their mind busy and forget unnecessary things that can cause them anxiety. Most especially it will give them courage that they are still useful in spite of their old age, and this could motivate them to work harder to give example to the young people.

Working keeps their mind busy and focused, thus providing a good diversion from other anxieties. It give them a sense of purpose and makes them feel being useful despite their advanced age, which motivates them to work harder.

 

[teechar]

I'm self studying for IELTS, [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] but I don't know if my writing [STRIKE]ups[/STRIKE] is correct. Below is [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] a sample of my work. Please help me.

Hello m_aplaon, and welcome to the forum.

The rules and regulations for retirement vary from country to country. In many, the age of retirement is 60 for women and 65 for men. However, many people argue that retirement should not be compulsory. I totally agree with that idea.
Individuals aged 60 to 65 [STRIKE]is not tolerable[/STRIKE] should not be made to retire [STRIKE]as[/STRIKE] if they want to continue working after the official age of retirement. [STRIKE]brackets. I absolutely agree to this idea, it will help for them in some view.[/STRIKE]

Note that in an introduction you need:
1- A general statement which tells the reader what the topic of the essay is.
2- Some background (further details) on the topic.
3- The statement of issue which introduces the issue/problem you're writing about.
4- Your position on the issue.

There are several advantages for people aged above 60 if they still continue to work. Firstly, their daily routine [STRIKE]goals in life[/STRIKE] will not change. [STRIKE]stop, their daily activities will keep going. For example, they try to get up early in the morning to take a bath, to prepare food for breakfast and to leave at home quickly to avoid traffic rush hour in going to work just to keep on time in working place.[/STRIKE] Moreover, as they stay working, they keep their mind busy and get physical exercise as well. [STRIKE]forget unnecessary things that can cause them anxiety.[/STRIKE] Most especially, it will give them [STRIKE]courage[/STRIKE] confidence that they are still useful in spite of their old age, and this [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] can motivate them to stay active both mentally and physically. [STRIKE]work harder to give example to the young people.[/STRIKE]

Note corrections.

On the other hand, their salary is a big help for them in addition to their pension as we all know that the medicine maintenance for old age is terribly high, in this case it will lessen the burden of their love ones. It will help also to boost their emotions because old age people mostly they have high ego to ask assistance from other for their personal needs. Most of them they, just keep in secret their necessary things even though they badly need it.

That paragraph is badly written. If the point you're trying to make is about financial independence, then that's also an advantage and should be included in the first paragraph. Maybe you can write about the negatives of having a mandatory retirement age in the second paragraph.