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  1. Newbie
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    #1

    Cool Please help me assess my IELTS essay.

    Hello, can you please help me correct the grammar and give me a score :) Thank you very much~

    Topic: It is often thought that the increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in the media. What do you think is the reason for a growth in the rate of juvenile crime? What solutions can you offer to deal with this situation?

    The misconception of the negative influence of the violent content in various medias has resulted in the derogatory of the whole media industry. Although it is true that media especially the internet contains immense amount of vulgar and violent contents, it is not the mandatory reason for the growth in the rate of juvenile crime. Instead, the factors which cause the intention of committing violent crimes among the teenagers are normally formed by the deficit of caring from their families and a proper education.

    For most of the young generation, it is not simplistic to grow within the encasement of the metropolis society. The hierarchy embedded in this intricated social system has pressure the youths and intimidate them to behave in a restrictive manner. Without the warmth and supports from their families, adolescents are too fragile to withstand the brutal reality ,and as a result they are extremely easy to be contaminated by bad peers in school and become cynical and egoist beings who intend to challenge the morality and rule in the society.

    A comprehensive education is suggested to alleviate the situation. It is believed that the education system in contemporary age overlooks the importance of the ethical and moral guidance, as the sole academic teaching has dominated the educational algorithm since modern era. With the help of proper ethics classes or even just school non-academic curriculum and activities, the change can cultivate our next generation to become a more compliant and responsible pacifist person.

    In conclusion, the violence in the media is not necessarily the core reason for the increasing rate of juvenile crime, but rather something very close to the teenagers families and schools. Under an optimist domestic situation and a well-designed educational program, young people can definitely grow in a mentally healthy way.

  2. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
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    #2

    Re: Please help me assess my IELTS essay.

    Quote Originally Posted by SloppyNugget View Post
    Hello, can you please help me correct the grammar and give me a score? Thank you very much.

    Topic: It is often thought that the increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in the media. What do you think is the reason for a growth in the rate of juvenile crime? What solutions can you offer to deal with this situation?

    The misconception of about the negative influence of the violent content in various media has resulted in people blaming the derogatory of the whole entire media industry for the rise in juvenile crime. Although it is true that the media, especially the internet, contains immense amount of vulgar has some and violent content, it is not the mandatory that is not the main reason for the growth in the rate of juvenile crime. Instead, the factors which lead young people to cause the intention of commit ting violent crimes among the teenagers are related to poor upbringing, problems innormally formed by the deficit of caring from their family situation, or a lack of ies and a proper education.

    For most of the young people, generation, it is not simplistic to grow within the encasement of the metropolis society. The hierarchy embedded in this intricated social system
    I decided to stop here because your text became incomprehensible. I have absolutely no idea what the highlighted part above means! Redraft your essay in a clear, simple and direct manner. If you try to make it seem complex, you're only going to frustrate the reader/examiner. You will not get good marks if you do that.

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