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  1. Newbie
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    #1

    Red face (IELTS) Please help me check my essay and score it. :)

    Based on the feedback I got for my last essay. I tried to write this one in a simple manner.


    Most societies has its homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money.
    To what extent do you agree?



    Homelessness has been one of the most serious social issue in todays’ society highly due to the unpredictable changeful economic and social structure. Some people believed that giving homeless people money can alleviate the situation as many governments have implemented policies responsively to support their homeless citizens with money. However, I think that is only a temporary solution which is not comprehensive enough to eradicate the entire problem.

    The definition of homelessness does not necessarily align with the idea of poorness, but rather an adverse situation when someone is cruelly dispelled or abandoned by the social system. One might become homeless because of massive layoffs during the financial crisis or due to the introducing of machines in the workplace, or perhaps he or she was the victim of a dysfunctional family. Thus, it is believed that what they pragmatically need is an opportunity, an acceptance or a re-affirmation from the society rather than a sole financial support. To eradicate this strange social phenomenon and prevent this from be happening again, a sustainable scheme is required. Instead of unilaterally offering them money, governments can also provide job opportunities, career training courses and counselling service to both homeless people and people who are in need. Each of the idea interconnects and assists each another to form a more sophisticated and mature package to assist the homeless citizens, and as a result, it is more likely put the situation under control.

    In conclusion, even though giving money to homeless people is the fastest way to lessen their financial burden, I concede that is not a sustainable solution to tackle the entire issue of homelessness. To eliminate the problem, a profound and comprehensive scheme to care, re-educate, and encourage the homeless citizens has to be made by the government. And this will also strengthen the social infrastructure and prevent the recursive problems.

  2. teechar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: (IELTS) Please help me check my essay and score it. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by SloppyNugget View Post
    Based on the feedback I got for my last essay, I tried to write this one in a simple manner.


    Most societies has its have homeless people. Some people think that the best way to help them is to give them money.
    To what extent do you agree?

    Homelessness has been is one of the most serious social issues in todays’ modern society highly due to the unpredictable changeful economic and social structure. [I don't understand that part.] Some people believe that giving homeless people money can alleviate the situation as and many governments have implemented policies responsively to support their homeless citizens financially. with money. However, I think that is only a temporary solution and does not tackle the root cause of which is not comprehensive enough to eradicate the entire problem.

    The definition of homelessness does not necessarily align with the idea of poorness, but rather an adverse situation when someone is cruelly dispelled or abandoned by the social system. One might become homeless because of massive layoffs during the financial crisis or due to the introducing of machines in the workplace, or perhaps he or she was the victim of a dysfunctional family. [That part needs to be shortened and included in the introduction as background.] Thus, it is believed that what they pragmatically need is an opportunity, an acceptance or a re-affirmation from the society rather than a sole financial support.

    To eradicate this strange social phenomenon and prevent this from be happening again, deal with homelessness, a sustainable scheme approach is required. Instead of unilaterally offering them homeless people money, governments can also provide job opportunities, career training courses and counselling services to them. both homeless people and people who are in need [That's off topic.]. Each of the idea interconnects and assists each another to form a more sophisticated and mature package to assist the homeless citizens, and as a result, it is more likely put the situation under control. [I have no idea what that means.]

    In conclusion, even though giving money to homeless people is the fastest way to lessen may alleviate their financial burden in the short term, I concede [That's not how "concede" is used!] that is not a sustainable solution to tackle the entire serious issue of homelessness. To eliminate the problem, a profound and comprehensive scheme approach to care for, re-educate, and encourage motivate the homeless people to find work is required. citizens has to be made by the government. And this will also strengthen the social infrastructure and prevent the recursive problems.
    Note that being homeless does not necessarily mean being unemployed. Also, you could have talked about how governments can provide housing to homeless people.

  3. Newbie
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    #3

    Re: (IELTS) Please help me check my essay and score it. :)

    Actually, I was thinking about that homeless people are living under a sub-human condition which I considered this is a social degrading, and giving them jobs (function) or motivating them to become more productive can re-affirm their dignity and re-claim their social position. I just don't know how to express this idea in a well-organized way.
    Last edited by SloppyNugget; 26-Feb-2017 at 17:29.

  4. teechar's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: (IELTS) Please help me check my essay and score it. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by SloppyNugget View Post
    Actually, I was thinking about that homeless people are often live ing under a sub-human conditions, which I considered this is a social degrading, and giving them jobs (function) or motivating them to become more productive can re-affirm their dignity and help them re-claim their social position. I just don't know how to express this idea in a well-organized way.
    Again, I urge you to write in a simple and direct manner to avoid producing unnatural English and making mistakes.

    You might also want to take a look at my replies in the following threads regarding essay structure.

    https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/t...sity-Education
    https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/t...490-Essay-plan
    https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/t...should-be-free

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