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  1. VIP Member
    Student or Learner
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      • Native Language:
      • Bosnian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden

    • Join Date: Mar 2008
    • Posts: 6,658
    #1

    A paragraph from my short story

    This is a paragraph from a short story I am currently writing. In this part, the narrator, a girl, is describing her feelings for the sea and the beach in her hometown. I would appreciate if someone could correct the mistakes and help me to make my sentences sound natural. I am especially concerned about this sentence "I would have spent the whole day bathing, if my mother had not come to call me for lunch." When I read this sentence it sounds to me that what she says happened only once, but I wished to say that it happened on many occasions. Unfortunately, I feel I am not able to write my intention correctly.


    I learned to swim early, even before I was able to read and write. I grew up with the sea, shells, starfish, salty air, and the hot sand under my feet. The sea and the beach were my playgrounds to which I ran as soon as I ate breakfast. I would have spent the whole day bathing, if my mother had not come to call me for lunch. But I hated tourists when they arrived in their thousands in the summer in our little town and occupied every centimetre of our beach. I could not stand their pale bodies which would burn red within hours, the scents of their sunscreens and the music from their radios. Nor could I stand their spoiled children who were hungry or thirsty every few minutes, asking their parents for money to buy ice creams and sandwiches. Therefore, Mia and I preferred to come to the beach late in the afternoon when we would have it to ourselves,

  2. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 9,201
    #2

    Re: A paragraph from my short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    This is a paragraph from a short story I am currently writing. In this part, the narrator, a girl, is describing her feelings for the sea and the beach in her hometown. I would appreciate if someone could correct the mistakes and help me to make my sentences sound natural. I am especially concerned about this sentence "I would have spent the whole day bathing, if my mother had not come to call me for lunch." When I read this sentence it sounds to me that what she says happened only once, but I wished to say that it happened on many occasions. Unfortunately, I feel I am not able to write express what I intend my intention correctly.

    I learned to swim early, even before I was able to read and write. I grew up with the sea, shells, starfish, salty air, and the hot sand under my feet. The sea and the beach were my playgrounds to which I ran as soon as I ate breakfast. I would have spent spend the whole day bathing , if until my mother had not come came to call me for lunch. But I hated tourists when they arrived in their thousands in the summer in our little town and occupied every centimetre of our beach. I could not stand their pale bodies which would burn red within hours, the scents of their sunscreens and the music from their radios. Nor could I stand their spoiled children who were hungry or thirsty all the time and, every few minutes, asked ing their parents for money to buy ice cream and sandwiches. Therefore, Mia and I preferred to come go to the beach late in the afternoon when we would have it to ourselves.
    .

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