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  1. veneziadrive's Avatar
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    #1

    composition - I need your help with my writing

    I'm going to do a language exam, and this is another writing attempt of mine. Would you please help correct my mistakes and let me know how I should improve?
    Thank you.

    Composition about children changed

    There will always be children and there had always been children for centuries, but letís just take a look how everything has changed and different from it used to be.
    We have the information about the latest generations from our parents and if we are lucky from our grandparents. Everybody knows how grandparents can be amazed by seeing their grandchildren behaving. In my opinion nowadays childrenís behavior got extremely different. I believe socializing and hobbies have changed a lot because of the world we live today Ė with our smart phones, smart TVs, iPads and so on. Therefore, children have a hard time to make friends, because instead of going out to play in the garden they play online games where they fight and kill other creatures, sometimes people as well.
    Children used to read books and play with building blocks or dolls, but they donít do these things any more. The sad thing about this, that they see using electronic devices from us Ė adults.
    Childrenís attitudes have changed a lot too. They used to respect teachers and adults, but itís different now. Maybe because life is different too. Just like fashion. Long ago students had to wear uniforms in school, so everybody could be the same. Poor children wore the same as richer ones. I donít think that it was a bad thing, however when I was a child, I wouldnít want to wear one of those. Nowadays children think fashion is very important. They want their parents to buy them the latest fashion items, and they are afraid of being the least fashionable student in the class as well.
    The only thing we can do as parents is to raise our children as how we think is the best for them.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: composition - I need your help with my writing

    What do you mean by "Composition about children changed"? It's not grammatical and I don't know what it's supposed to mean. What is the actual title/prompt of your essay?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. veneziadrive's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: composition - I need your help with my writing

    "Write a composition describing how you think children have changed, compared to previous generations. Refer to changes in attitudes, opinions and interests with regart to fashion, socialising, hobbies, etc." These are the prompts.

  4. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: composition - I need your help with my writing

    Quote Originally Posted by veneziadrive View Post
    "Write a composition describing how you think children have changed, compared to previous generations. Refer to changes in attitudes, opinions and interests with regard to fashion, socialising, hobbies, etc." These are This is the prompts prompt.
    Thank you for providing the full prompt. In your original, it could have been shortened to "Composition about how children have changed" but not to what you wrote.

    First, look at your opening sentence. Do you really need to tell your readers that there have always been children and there will always be children?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. veneziadrive's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: composition - I need your help with my writing

    Well, maybe not. I just thought that I should start with something general.

  6. teechar's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: composition - I need your help with my writing

    This is not well written.

    1- You need to organize your ideas into distinct paragraphs, and each paragraph should deal with a single theme/point.

    2- Be direct. Get to the point straight away. Don't stray off topic by talking about grandparents.

    Redraft your text and post it again.

  7. veneziadrive's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: composition - I need your help with my writing

    Here is anouther try. I still don't like it, but this is the best I can do right now.



    Children have changed a lot compared to previous generations. These changes are mainly because of how life changed through decades.

    Let's take a closer look on these differences. First of all let's talk about the attitudes of children. They used to be polite and had manners long ago. Parents, teachers and adults were the bosses and they were right - there were no questions asked, no answering back or they had a slap in the face. Nowadays almost only children have rights against teachers.

    Another point to discuss here are young people's interests. They aren't interested in books, building blocks ot dolls anymore. In my opinion this is all because of the 'very smart' electrical devices which make addicts out of our children. However, I believe it is not their fault thought, it's ours. Children copy us and this is what they see.

    Finally, in my point of view there is a connection between interests, hobbies ad sicialisinf. It's not easy to find friends when you sit in front of the computer all day.

    This coposition was meant to say a few things about how children have changed. I tried to explain a few things here and hope that I could achieve my goal giving you some interesting points.

  8. teechar's Avatar
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    #8

    Re: composition - I need your help with my writing

    Quote Originally Posted by veneziadrive View Post
    Here is another try. I still don't like it, but this is the best I can do right now.


    Children have changed a lot compared to previous generations, and these changes are mainly because of how life has changed through recent decades.

    Let's take a closer look on these differences. First, there has been a major change in of all let's talk about the attitudes of children. They used to be polite and had manners long ago. Parents, teachers and adults could assert their authority were the bosses and they were in control right - there were no questions asked, no answering back or no disobedience; otherwise, the children risked strong punishment. they had a slap in the face. Nowadays almost only children have greater rights, against and teachers often find it difficult to control them.

    Another point to discuss here are young people's Moreover, children's interests have drastically changed. They aren't interested in books, building blocks ot dolls or simple toys anymore. In my opinion, this is all because of the 'very smart' electrical devices electronic gadgets available which make addicts out of our children. However, I believe it is not their fault, though; it's ours. Children copy us, and this is what they see us doing all the time.

    Finally, in my point of view I believe there is a connection between children's interests and hobbies and their ability to socialize. ad sicialisinf. It's not easy to find make friends when you sit in front of the computer all day.

    This composition was meant to say a few things about how children have changed. I tried to explain a few things here, and I hope that I've managed to could achieve my goal giving you by writing about some interesting points.
    That's a much better effort than the original post, but I hope you don't think that slapping children on the face is okay!

  9. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: composition - I need your help with my writing

    Teechar has done a good job improving on your basic ideas. There's only one sentence I'd correct differently. I'd use either "However, I believe it is not their fault" or "I believe it is not their fault, though". I would not use both "However" and "though" in the same sentence.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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