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  1. Member
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    #1

    Please check my continuation writing and help improve it.

    ***************************
    My mother was a vocal supporter of physical punishment, but for all her talking she has never done that on my sisters, and me only once. Instead she found ways of punishment that left a more lasting memory. One of the most memorable of these occasions occurred when I was four.

    One day at daycare I watched an extremely tired mother attempt to pick up her daughter. The little girl asked, "Mommy, are we going to McDonald's for dinner?" The mother replied, "Honey, not tonight. Mommy has to run a few businesses and then we have to go home and cook dinner for Daddy." "But I want to go." "Susie, I said not tonight. Maybe, if you are a good girl, we can go tomorrow." Susie immediately dropped to the floor, kicking and screaming, "I want to go to McDonald's."

    No amount of pleading or scolding her mother tried stopped Susie’s tantrum. Finally her mother gave in, "Okay, Susie, let’s go to McDonald's." Susie stopped yelling and smiled. She grabbed her mother’s hand and they left. To say I was amazed would be inaccurate; I was delighted that anything I wanted could be got in this way. It was great, wasn’t it?

    That day my mother picked me up early from daycare because we were going to pay on some Christmas goods that we booked in advance. I was excited by the lights and decorations, and as we walked through the toy section on the way to the Layaway Department, I saw a toy I had to have. It was a white and red telephone whose bells rang as it was pulled along on a string.

    Looking lovingly up at my mother, I asked, "Mama, can I have that telephone?"
    She replied, "Baby, not now.”


    The task is to do a continuation writing. The requirements are as follows:
    I. The word limit is between 130 and 180.
    II. At least six underlined keywords or expressions must be used and highlighted as well in your continuation writing.
    III.Your continuation writing is divided into two paragraphs whose first sentences have already been given.

    Paragraph 1:
    "But Mama, I want that telephone right now." I insisted. ___________________________

    Paragraph 2:
    Shocked, I stood up. the next thirty minutes in the Department was pure misery for me.____________



    *******************************************

    "But Mama, I want that telephone right now." I insisted. "Becky, not now, but if you are a good girl, maybe Santa will bring it to you." My mother restrained her temper. By now we were in the Layaway Department, and therefore I figured it was now or never. I lay down on the ground and began kicking and screaming, "I want that telephone," over and over again. My mother calmly said, "Becky, you’d better get up by the count of three or else...One...Two...Three." Nothing. So then, beyond my expectation, she lay down beside me on the floor, and began kicking and screaming as well, "I want a new car, I want a new house, I want some jewelry, I want...”

    Shocked, I stood up. The next thirty minutes in the Department was pure misery for me.
    Weary Christmas shoppers looked at me and various parents shook their heads at me. Others began to clap, saying with a smile, “I bet you’ll never try that again.” And I didn’t, because it left a lasting memory more effective than any physical punishment.

    *******************************************

    The above is my own version. It serves as a possible version for my students after I finish checking their work. Please check it and help polish it. Many thanks in advance.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 07-Mar-2017 at 08:42.

  2. Key Member
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    #2

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help improve it.

    I have only one comment:

    And I didnít, because it left a lasting memory with me more effective lasting than any physical punishment.
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  3. Member
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    #3

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help improve it.

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    I have only one comment:

    And I didn’t, because it left a lasting memory with me more effective lasting than any physical punishment.

    I thought about the above. I still think sentence 1 is better than sentence 2.

    ************************************************** ***

    1.It left me a lasting memory more effective than any physical punishment.

    2.
    It left a memory with me more lasting than any physical punishment.


    ************************************************** *

    First, I want to emphasise the word 'effective' instead of 'lasting'.
    Second, the first sentence is more natural to me.
    Last edited by rodgers white; 11-Mar-2017 at 11:21.

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    #4

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help improve it.

    It left me a lasting memory more effective than any physical punishment.

    The underlined phrase does not work, but we'll see what the other teachers have to say.

    If you wish to keep the word "effective", how about:

    The incident left an indelible memory in me and served as a lesson learned, which was more effective than any physical punishment.

    It was the lesson that was effective, not the memory.
    Last edited by tedmc; 12-Mar-2017 at 11:17.
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  5. Member
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    #5

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help improve it.

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    It left me a lasting memory more effective than any physical punishment.

    The underlined phrase does not work, but we'll see what the other teachers have to say.

    If you wish to keep the word "effective", how about:

    The incident left an indelible memory in me and served as a lesson learned, which was more effective than any physical punishment.

    It was the lesson that was effective, not the memory.
    I think you are right. It was the lesson I got from the incident that was effective. Maybe I can rewrite like this: It left me a lasting memory, which gave me a lesson more effective than any physical punishment.

  6. Key Member
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    #6

    Re: Please check my continuation writing and help improve it.

    How about "and taught me a lesson" instead of "which gave me a lesson"?
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

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