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  1. Newbie
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    #1

    Please check my essay.

    The Topic: Why you want to study in the USA? What will you do after graduation?
    As a child, I hardly cared about education nor did I have a knowledge about foreign countries. Yet, on one fateful day, I saw a movie named X-men. The movie gave me my first goal to visit this overwhelming country named The United States Of America. Furthermore, as I mature and came to know the differences in education system between our country and the US the motivation to study abroad grew higher, likewise there were a few certain issues that I wanted to solve in my country.
    As the days and years pass, my young dream never faded away. During the time when I was studying in secondary school, it came to me that the education system in Mongolia was severely lacking. The majority of the schools has old-fashioned facilities and no modern equipment, a number of them lack laboratory instruments while the minority is in need of interior fixing. Tutoring in Mongolia is too dependent on theory, lacking practical and inactive sessions. In each class, every course is spoken by the teacher and students then wrote it down. Students must strive hard with numerous periods and be pressuring schedule on weekends, yet educational efficiency is not high. Almost all students in Mongolia have been taught from books, and not trained in life skills. When it comes to extracurricular activities, it is often not attached any importance. While this issue may change for the better at University, the choice is still limited. Due to the lack of campus that Mongolian universities have, the students are severely lacking when it comes to choosing the activity clubs or similar accommodations.
    After I finished my bachelorís degree, I worked at an NGO called World Wide Aid Organization for 7 months. My job consists of providing orphans and disabled children with necessary items and equipment plus elementary English language lesson. During this period of time, I realized that a higher portion of the children is used to accept free gifts from patrons and other sources which lead to a loss of necessary life skills. Regretfully, there was nothing I could do that would change their behavior, and therefore I sought a way to change this. What I require was a solid background and knowledge to change this system. Most direct way to realize my goal was to study abroad, which was correlated to a promising career path that would aid my dream to influence people to change this Ďgiftí system on innocent minds.

    Further and even more importantly, though, I want my parents to be proud of me. As a Mongolian, to study and obtain a Masterís degree in the USA is equivalent to better future and social standing. Moreover, I could experience the life of an independent man. Being a person with the age of 25 which is considered as an adult, itís crucial to learn how to live without an external help. My mother always worries herself that I might face difficulties with her not being at my side. Iíve decided to prove that the little boy that needed protection is grown up and can shelter his mommy from all the stress that life could give. Hence, the education is one of the utmost important pieces to achieve that dream. Coming from another country to work in a completely new surroundings and culture is one of the greatest unique experiences a person could encounter in a lifetime. The step itself requires strong will and a great human potential for the reason that it is a pursuit of oneís dreams. The USA is one of those countries where a person can reach incredible heights and where one can gain outstanding knowledge and experience. Also, the perks of living in the US include the American culture, diversity of people and geography. An opportunity like this gives a chance to experience all the famous holidays such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween which is only getting popular in recent years in Mongolia.

    To Study abroad in the foreign country needed necessary language level. With this being in mind, I intended to meet and befriend people that have a high level of English. Thus, I attended quite a number of English speaking clubs which has opened an avenue for me to befriend tutors from different fields. As I accumulate experience with native speakers the weaknesses and advantages of my level became obvious to me. My focus was usually on reading novels and internet books from famous Authors like J.K Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien, and George R.R. Martin.
    Studying Finance and Business Administration in the US are going to help me acquire better skills and a broader perspective on how international business is done. This country is a crossroad of various businesses and business opportunities. My wish is to learn it from the inside to be able to bring the knowledge I gain back my homeland. It is essential to acquire a firsthand experience and be able to communicate with the best professionals in the area. Studying abroad allows the person to become a part of the culture of the country of your choice. It gives individuals an opportunity to tour on the field trips, exposure to world-wide known companies, and listen to lectures of the heads of the multinational corporations and study with the best professors. The USA is a great place for networking and making useful contacts that can be beneficial for business ideas in the future.
    I truly believe that getting an education abroad will act as a catalyst for me to become a better professional in my homeland. It will allow me to share my knowledge with people, new perspective to business and be able to analyze the current situation in my country.
    After graduation, I plan to find a job as a financial manager or business administrator at either China or Mongolia. In Mongolia, thereís quite a number of excellent foreign-funded companies, so that it might be easy for me to find a position there. Further, in every 2 months, I plan to host a non-profitable event for students who wish to study in USA (Giving information on scholarships and how life is in America, etc.Ö). Admittedly, it might be challenging. but Iím determined to travel around and reach the rural part of our country to share my experience and knowledge. I believe that itís my responsibility to give our future a new avenue for exploration. With my experience in working with an NGO that helped children who had disabilities or families with similar issues, I believe that the former task is not undoable.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please check my essay.

    Welcome to the forum.

    When are you going to submit your essay to your teacher/tutor?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. Newbie
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    #3

    Re: Please check my essay.

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    Welcome to the forum.

    When are you going to submit your essay to your teacher/tutor?
    Hello, and thank you for your reply. I was a bit in a rush so please excuse my manner.
    It's actually a scholarship essay and deadline is on 27th of March, but it's advised that all applications should be given at least 5 days prior.
    Thank you very much.
    Last edited by Tsoglog; 12-Mar-2017 at 13:47.

  4. teechar's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Please check my essay.

    The Topic: Why you want to study in the USA? What will you do after graduation?


    When I was a child, my dream was to study in the US. As I grew up, I came to know the stark differences in education between my country and the US, and my motivation grew stronger.
    The education system in Mongolia is very much underdeveloped. The majority of schools here have old-fashioned facilities and no modern equipment, and many lack basic laboratory instruments. Teaching in Mongolia is focused on theory and does not involve much practical and interactive sessions. Moreover, extracurricular activities are not regarded with any importance. As for university, the choice of courses is very limited.


    After I finished my bachelorís degree, I worked at an NGO called Worldwide Aid Organization for 7 months. My job consisted of providing orphans and disabled children with necessary school items and equipment plus elementary English language lessons. During that time, I realized that many children in Mongolia rely on such free gifts from patrons and other sources. Regretfully, there was nothing I could do to help engender independent thinking in them.


    Further, I want my parents to be proud of me. In Mongolia, obtaining a masterís degree in the US means a better future and social standing. The US one country where a person can reach incredible heights and where one can gain outstanding knowledge and skills. Also, living in the US, I would get to experience and learn from American culture and diversity.


    To study in the US requires a proficiency in English. With this in mind, I intended to make new friends when I get there. I've been a member of a few English language clubs which has opened an avenue for me to befriend tutors from different fields.


    Studying finance and business administration in the US will help me acquire better professional skills and a broader perspective on how international business is done. The US is a global leader in trade and business opportunities. My wish is to learn that from the inside and to bring the knowledge I gain back to my homeland. It is essential to acquire first-hand experience and be able to communicate with the best professionals in the field. Studying in the US will also give me exposure to world-famous companies, and where I can listen to lectures by leaders from multinational corporations as well as study under the best professors. The US is, of course, a great place for networking and making useful contacts that can be beneficial for business cooperation in the future.


    After graduating, I plan to find a job in financial management or business administration in either China or Mongolia. In Mongolia, thereís a number of excellent foreign-funded companies, so it might be easy for me to find a position here. Further, I plan to regularly organize free seminars for students who wish to study in the US and provide them with useful information on scholarships and what life is like in America. Although it might be challenging, Iím determined to travel around even to remote rural parts of my country to share my experience and knowledge. I believe that itís my responsibility to share what I know with others.

  5. Newbie
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    #5

    Re: Please check my essay.

    Thank you so much! :D
    There's a question I want to ask if that'll not bother you?
    My Essay should be 1-2 page and I'm kinda lacking some ideas on my essay.
    Would you mind giving me some? :P
    Last edited by Tsoglog; 15-Mar-2017 at 09:24.

  6. teechar's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Please check my essay.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsoglog View Post
    Thank you so much!
    My Essay should be 1-2 pages
    You're welcome.
    Do the official instructions/guidelines really say "one or two pages"? That's not very precise. Do you have a link to those guidelines?

  7. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Please check my essay.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsoglog View Post
    Thank you so much! :D
    There's a question I want to ask if that'll not it won't/doesn't bother you.
    My essay should be 1-2 pages long and I'm kinda [kind of] lacking some ideas on for my essay.
    Would you mind giving me some? :P
    Note my corrections above. Please don't try to make your own emoticons/smileys. If you really must use one, click on the icon and choose an appropriate one. Generally, they're really not necessary.

    I'm not sure it would be right for us to help with this essay. Although it's not technically homework, it is a kind of assignment. Presumably, the quality of this essay will partly dictate whether you get a scholarship or not. Obviously, we wish you luck with that, but don't you think it would be ethical for you to apply for this scholarship using work that you have actually done yourself, without any external help?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  8. Newbie
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    #8

    Re: Please check my essay.

    Quote Originally Posted by teechar View Post
    You're welcome.
    Do the official instructions/guidelines really say "one or two pages"? That's not very precise. Do you have a link to those guidelines?
    Yes, i have.
    https://mongolia.usembassy.gov/fulbright.html
    On the how to apply section, there's a requirement of an essay.

  9. Newbie
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    #9

    Re: Please check my essay.

    While I do think that it's important to write this essay all by myself, nevertheless, I'm worried that there might be some mistakes that would change the evaluation of me. My writing skill is not up to the mark when it comes to academic level. I somehow managed to get 7.5 on IELTS Test. However, my writing was only 6.5, and therefore I feel quite insecure on this topic.
    Last edited by Tsoglog; 18-Mar-2017 at 06:06.

  10. teechar's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: Please check my essay.

    I think what you have is sufficient. This is about right for a 1-2 page essay.

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