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    #1

    A smile crept across his face

    I wanted to use "a smile crept across" in my sentence. The second sentence came as an association after the first. Would you please correct my mistakes?

    John saw his grandchild scampering towards him, and a smile crept across his wrinkled face. "Mummy sent me to ask you if you could lent us some money to tide us over until the end of the month," the girl asked, blinking her blue eyes. His face turned dark as he fumbled for his wallet.

  2. Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: A smile crept across his face

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    I wanted to use "a smile crept across" in my sentence. The second sentence came as an association after the first. Would you please correct my mistakes?

    John saw his grandchild scampering towards him, and a smile crept across his wrinkled face. "Mummy sent me to ask you if you could lend us some money to tide us over until the end of the month," the girl said, blinking her blue eyes. His face turned dark as he fumbled for his wallet.
    It's good. Two comments:

    - The girl's eye color isn't relevant to the scene. I'd get rid of that.

    - Toddlers scamper, but they don't use such complicated sentences. How old is she? It might be something that a smart seven-year-old might say. I'd either change "scamper" or change what she says.
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: A smile crept across his face

    Use "granddaughter" not "grandchild" -- we know it's a girl.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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    #4

    Re: A smile crept across his face

    Charlie,
    I imagined the girl about seven or eight years old. They can be very clever and say things nobody would expect them to say.
    So maybe I should write like this:
    "John saw his granddaughter running towards him..."

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    #5

    Re: A smile crept across his face

    RobertJ,

    I believe Charlie Bernstein is looking at sentences with his editor's eyes. Editors like to cut out everything they think is superfluous. Sometimes they cut out too much. Nevertheless, I respect him and like his advice because you notice that he has worked with different texts and knows what is important and what should be deleted. In this case, I have used "blue eyes" as a contrast to the money the girl is asking from her grandfather.

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    #6

    Re: A smile crept across his face

    RobertJ

    I agree with you, but what can we do when the editor does not like them?

  7. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: A smile crept across his face

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    In this case, I have used "blue eyes" as a contrast to the money the girl is asking from her grandfather.
    How do blue eyes contrast with a request for money?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #8

    Re: A smile crept across his face

    I think that eyes look beautiful in any child's face, especially blue eyes. They are not only attractive, but also exude calmness. In this case, they belong to an innocent child, who suddenly talks about money as if she were an adult. And here lies the contrast between innocent childhood and materialism. But I have written these sentences just an exercise, and they are not part of any short story.

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