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  1. VIP Member
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    #1

    After years of a deep depression

    Would you please correct the mistakes in my sentences?

    After years of a deep depression, David cut a sad figure: his bloated pasty face, his lifeless grey eyes with dark rings under them, his large stomach bulging under the old coat. He shuffled staring at the ground, like a life-sentenced prisoner without parole.

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    #2

    Re: After years of a deep depression

    Bassim,

    Shorter sentences are usually better. Try reading Hemingway for inspiration.
    I am not a teacher.

  3. VIP Member
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    #3

    Re: After years of a deep depression

    GoesStation,

    I have used longer sentence since my childhood. I cannot change myself now when I am 52. I read Hemingway in the past, but I do not like him. I cannot have any writer as an inspiration. They have their lives, and I have mine. I am reading novels and short stories to learn how to use words properly and also grammar, but they do not affect me emotionally. That happened when I was younger, but nowadays I am using works of fiction just as a material to learn craft of fiction.
    Last edited by Bassim; 27-Mar-2017 at 15:49.

  4. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: After years of a deep depression

    like a prisoner sentenced to life without parole.

    Don't use so many adjectives. It makes the writing stilted.
    He shuffled along, staring at the ground, like a prisoner sentenced to life without parole.

    Depression doesn't make you bloated...
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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    #5

    Re: After years of a deep depression

    After years of a deep depression..

    I think there should be no indefinite article.

    Or, if "a deep depression" is meant to refer to an event in the past, how about: Years after a deep depression..?
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

  6. teechar's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: After years of a deep depression

    Quote Originally Posted by tedmc View Post
    how about: Years after a deep depression..?
    That doesn't mean the same.

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    #7

    Re: After years of a deep depression

    Quote Originally Posted by teechar View Post
    That doesn't mean the same.
    I know, and depression is more likely to be a chronic condition.
    I am not a teacher or a native speaker.

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