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  1. Newbie
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      • Hong Kong
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    • Join Date: Apr 2017
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    #1

    Please kindly correct the personal statement

    Dear Teechar,

    My son who is seven years old will apply primary school. I would like to submit a portfolio with a short statement to introduce him to school. Please kindly correct the statement for me.

    XXX enjoys both physical and sedentary activities. He likes reading very much, especially books about sciences that written by Prof. XXX. He shares his favorite chapters with others after reading. He also likes music, he has learned to play violin since five years old. He started stage performance after learning in a four months period and got ample stage experience now. Besides reading and music, visual art is also one of his favorite learning activities. Tutor comments that he has rich imagination and encourages him to participate painting contests. In 2016 Contest, he has won the championship. For physical activities, XXX has been trained the foil fencing regularly by Fencing Team member, Mr XXX. He awarded the bronze medal in Beginnerís Foil Competition in December 2016. In this year, he represented his school to attend the Inter-School Sports Competition - Foil. In school, he is appointed as class prefect. His teacher has commented him a serious-minded and responsible student. XXX always participates volunteer services. From these activities, he often reminds himself to cherish bliss and to commit gratitude.

  2. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
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      • Iraq
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    #2

    Re: Please kindly correct the personal statement

    Hello fridaypanda, and welcome to the forum.

    Quote Originally Posted by fridaypanda View Post

    James enjoys both physical and sedentary activities. He likes reading very much, especially science books about sciences that written by Prof. Doolittle. He shares his favorite chapters with others after reading. He also likes music, and he has been learning ed to play the violin since the age of five, years old. as well as He started stage performance acting after taking acting lessons for learning in a four months. He has since been in a few plays. period and got ample stage experience now. Besides reading and music, James is very interested in the visual arts, is also one of his favorite learning activities. and his tutor has commented that he has a rich imagination and has encouraged him to participate in painting contests. In one such contest in 2016, Contest, he has won first place. the championship.

    For physical activities, XXX James has been trained the foil in fencing regularly by the National Fencing Team member, Mr Foyle. As a result, James was awarded the bronze medal in at the Beginnerís Foil Fencing Competition in December 2016. In This year, he represented his school to attend at the Inter-School Sports Competition in that sport.

    In school, he is appointed James has been selected as class prefect. His teacher has commented has commended him on his serious-mindedness and responsible attitude. student. XXX always participates volunteer services. From these activities, he often reminds himself to cherish bliss and to commit gratitude.
    That last bit is vague. If you can't be more specific, leave it out.

  3. Newbie
    Interested in Language
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      • Chinese
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      • Hong Kong
      • Current Location:
      • Hong Kong

    • Join Date: Apr 2017
    • Posts: 2
    #3

    Re: Please kindly correct the personal statement

    Thank you for the warm greeting and speedy response.

    I will omit the blue highlighted words. Thank you for your suggestions.

    For "...he has been learning to play the violin since the age of five as well as acting after taking acting lessons for four months. He has since been in a few plays....", 'acting' is not my meaning. I want to tell the school that James had his first violin performance on stage after he learned violin for four months. Sorry for my poor standard of English to make the misunderstanding.

    Can I revise the sentences as follow? :-

    ... he has been learning to play the violin since the age of five and he had his first violin performance on stage just after four months that he started learning. ...

  4. teechar's Avatar
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    English Teacher
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    #4

    Re: Please kindly correct the personal statement

    Quote Originally Posted by fridaypanda View Post
    ... he has been learning to play the violin since the age of five, and he had his first violin live performance on stage just four months after four months that he started learning it.
    Use that.

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