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    #1

    After his father died in a traffic accident

    I am wondering if my sentences sounds natural. Would you please correct my mistakes?

    After his father died in a traffic accident, John, who was 18 at that time, became the head of the household. He worked at the butcher's, and took care of his two sisters and his ill mother.

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    #2

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    I'd eliminate the comma after "butcher's". Other than that, they're OK.

    Can you revise the first sentence to begin the story with John?
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    #3

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    GoesStation,

    Would this version be OK?

    John, who was 18 at the time of his father's death in a traffic accident, became the head of the household. He worked at the butcher's and took care of his two sisters and his ill mother.
    Last edited by Bassim; 19-May-2017 at 21:27.

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    #4

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    Yes, that's OK. Can you revise it again to eliminate both commas? (Watch out for dangling modifiers.)
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  5. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    Unless the reader/listener knows which butcher's you're talking about, I'd use "a butcher's".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #6

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    Also, I didn't notice that butchers lacked a required apostrophe.
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  7. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    The apostrophe was there in post 1 but not in post 3.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #8

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    What about this version?

    Eighteen years old John became the head of the household after his father's death in a traffic accident.

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    #9

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    What about this version?

    Eighteen years old Eighteen-year-old John became the head of the household after his father's death in a traffic accident.
    See above.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #10

    Re: After his father died in a traffic accident

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post

    Eighteen-year old John became the head of the household after his father's death in a traffic accident.
    I prefer the original relative clause. This version seems to me to come from a newspaper rather than a story/novel. This is, once again, merely personal opinion. There is nothing wrong with the revised version.

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