Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 Last
Results 1 to 10 of 28
  1. #1
    monsterjazzlicks's Avatar
    monsterjazzlicks is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    256

    Question RE: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    Hi folks,

    I have been trying to write an introduction to a short story and have recently hit a brick wall.

    I am trying to describe the fact that two convicts have served (collectively) over thirty years in prison. I will give you the entire sentence for the sake of 'context':


    "Within excess of thirty years bird between them due to the most perfect brainchild of robbing the most perfectly vulnerable drug-store on South Vermont Avenue; during the same night the L.A. filth were operating their biggest ever sting operation! - this was the day for which they had been defacing the scummy walls of their six-foot by sixteen-foot cells with etchings of tally marks."

    So my question is, please, should the first word(s) be:

    "Within", "With in", or "With an"?

    I believe it should be the former (as per entire sentence quotation), although I may be wrong.

    Many thanks in advance for any kind assistance offered here.

    Best,

    Paul
    Last edited by monsterjazzlicks; 16-Jun-2017 at 16:49. Reason: Font issue

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    61,295

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    With over thirty years ...
    With more than thirty years ...
    With in excess of thirty years ...

    "In excess of" means "more than".
    "An excess of" means "too much of".

    Save "within" for contexts in which it can be replaced with some form of "inside".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. #3
    monsterjazzlicks's Avatar
    monsterjazzlicks is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    256

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    With over thirty years ...
    With more than thirty years ...
    With in excess of thirty years ...
    Having just typed up my question, I was beginning to wonder if it should be written:

    "With excess of thirty years..."?!

    But I am assuming this would also be incorrect (as you would have suggested it otherwise!).

    In any event, I will follow your kind suggestion ("With in excess of...").
    Last edited by monsterjazzlicks; 16-Jun-2017 at 16:57. Reason: Spelling

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    61,295

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    "With excess of" would be wrong.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. #5
    monsterjazzlicks's Avatar
    monsterjazzlicks is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    256

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    "With excess of" would be wrong.

    Ha ha...it sounds the most correct to me!


    If it is permissible for me to ask another question regarding the above paragraph please (otherwise I am happy to re-post it under separate cover):

    "...this was the day for which they had been defacing the scummy walls of their six-foot by sixteen-foot cells with etchings of tally marks."

    "...this was the day of which they had been defacing the scummy walls of their six-foot by sixteen-foot cells with etchings of tally marks."

    Which, please, is correct regarding the word "for"/"of"?
    Last edited by monsterjazzlicks; 16-Jun-2017 at 17:09. Reason: Font issue

  6. #6
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    61,295

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    For. You can take it to mean "This was the day, in readiness for which, they had been ...
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  7. #7
    monsterjazzlicks's Avatar
    monsterjazzlicks is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    256

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    For. You can take it to mean "This was the day, in readiness for which, they had been ...
    Very interesting.

    I actually thought "of" sounded the most correct!

  8. #8
    monsterjazzlicks's Avatar
    monsterjazzlicks is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    256

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    Here is the whole paragraph now. I have added a couple of small (but hopefully effective!) adjustments. The addition of the word 'lopsided' and also a slight contraction of the dimensions (of their prison cell).

    "With in excess of thirty years bird between them – due to the most perfect brainchild of robbing the most perfectly vulnerable drug-store on South Vermont Avenue; during the same night the L.A. filth were operating their biggest ever sting operation! - this was the day for which they had been defacing the scummy walls of their six-by sixteen-foot cells with scrawly etchings of lopsided tally marks. It had arrived. Yes, this day had finally come. And more importantly it was THEIR day."
    Last edited by monsterjazzlicks; 16-Jun-2017 at 17:18. Reason: Spelling

  9. #9
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    61,295

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    Quote Originally Posted by monsterjazzlicks View Post
    Here is the whole paragraph now. I have added a couple of small (but hopefully effective!) adjustments. Addition of the word 'lopsided' and also a slight contraction of the dimensions (of their prison cell).

    "With in excess of thirty years'bird between them – due to the most perfect brainchild plan of robbing the most perfectly vulnerable drug-store on South Vermont Avenue (no semi-colon here) (during on the same night the L.A. filth were operating undertaking their biggest ever sting operation!) - this was the day for which they had been defacing the scummy walls of their six-by sixteen-foot cells with scrawly etchings of lopsided tally marks. It had arrived. Yes, this day had finally come. And more importantly it was THEIR day."
    See above.

    I don't like the repetitive nature of "most perfect" and "most perfectly".

    You used "brainchild" wrongly. Something is the brainchild of the people who thought it up.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  10. #10
    monsterjazzlicks's Avatar
    monsterjazzlicks is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    256

    Re: With in, Within, or With an - Question

    Wow!, thanks. Very clever!

    The reason I placed the semi-colon where I did (in the middle of the em-dash section) was to try and create a slight break/breath (as well as showing a relationship between the two parts). Perhaps the relationship emphasis is not required, as you imply. And the complexity/length of the inner em-dash section has been broken up (it needed something!) by your strategic placement of parentheses.

    Possible substitutions of the words "on" and "operating" were something I completely missed and failed to consider. I really liked the word "brainchild" but I see you have created alliteration here instead.

    I am reading every single night now, and so I am trying to absorb (and apply) as much grammatical 'correctness' as I go along.
    Last edited by monsterjazzlicks; 16-Jun-2017 at 17:31. Reason: Spelling

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 Last

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •