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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    When after their holiday, Gina

    I am wondering if my sentences are grammatically correct.

    When after their holiday, Gina told her husband, Phil, she wanted a divorce, he was sure she had planned that months in advance. He felt stupid and taken advantage of. He remembered his mother's warning that he was naive and inexperienced and easy prey for cunning women.

  2. #2
    teechar's Avatar
    teechar is offline Moderator
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    OK.

  3. #3
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    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    I am wondering if my sentences are grammatically correct.

    When after their holiday, Gina told her husband, Phil, she wanted a divorce, he was sure she had planned that months in advance. He felt stupid and taken advantage of. He remembered his mother's warning that he was naive and inexperienced and easy prey for cunning women.
    I would make several changes to sentences.

    First of all, I find the beginning very awkward. I think you are after a subordinate clause with the use of "when" and that makes sense.

    "When after their holiday, Gina told her husband, Phil, she wanted a divorce..."

    When "after the holiday" is removed then suddenly the clause is easy to see and read. I would place that prepositional phrase at the start of the sentence, out of the clause.

    "After their holiday, when Gina told her husband, Phil, she wanted a divorce,...."

    This sounds a lot better, right? Now here is the complete sentence.

    "After their holiday, when Gina told her husband, Phil, she wanted a divorce, he was sure she had planned that this months in advance."

    I think the second sentence could be written better. Think about it! Doesn't it seem choppy to you, nestled between two great sentences?

    The last sentence is ok but I would remove the first "and" and insert a comma.

    He remembered his mother's warning that he was naive, [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] inexperienced and easy prey for cunning women.

    Think about rewriting that second sentence. It is not wrong, but I challenge you to make it better.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
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  4. #4
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    Lynxear,

    Would my second sentence be OK like this?

    He felt cheated and betrayed.

  5. #5
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    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    Yes, I like that better.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

  6. #6
    andrewg927 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    I suggest removing the commas before and after "Phil". I don't believe it is necessary and it's easier to read without those commas. Also "an easy prey".

  7. #7
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    andrewg927,

    I see that in Longman dictionary "easy prey" is written without any article.

  8. #8
    andrewg927 is offline Senior Member
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    Hmm, I don't like it without an article there.

  9. #9
    GoesStation is offline Moderator
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    Don't use the article with prey, which is uncountable in this usage.
    Last edited by GoesStation; 29-Jul-2017 at 22:24. Reason: Remove a stray line break.
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  10. #10
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    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: When after their holiday, Gina

    No I don't agree with you. Phil is an appositive describing "husband". It may be that the commas may be optional but I don't find the sentence awkward to read and they are not out of place.

    As far as " easy prey" goes there is NEVER an article associated with the phrase "to be easy prey". You won't find a single reference agreeing with you, Andrewq927
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
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