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  1. #1
    ambitious-girl's Avatar
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    Spoiled children

    Hello,
    Could you please kindly check this paragraph? I hope the topic sentence and the support sentences have developed well.

    Nowadays children are getting/being less and less responsible than they used to be for the following reasons. Firstly, parents are becoming more responsive and less demanding than they were in the past. In other words, children will be allowed to do and get whatever they want, whenever they want. In some families, for example, children are still being supported financially as well as emotionally, even though they are fully grown-up. Secondly, the way in which children are now being raised makes them more spoiled than ever. For instance, rather than letting children to clean up their own messes, and them being responsible for own actions, parents do pick up after them. As a result, children will gradually be used to their parents' doing everything for them. In this way, they may end up being less self-sufficient and may lack self-discipline.
    Last edited by ambitious-girl; 08-Aug-2017 at 20:13.
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  2. #2
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    Re: Spoiled children

    You should not use words like "firstly" and "secondly" in a paragraph like this. They are not necessary.

    The first sentence does not need the ending that you gave it,

    "Nowadays children are getting/being less and less responsible than they used to be for the following reasons."

    I would use this wording if I was making a list.

    Nowadays children are getting/being less and less responsible than they used to be for the following reasons:

    1. lkdaslkdaslkdaslkdksaldlkd
    2. sldskmdkdfffneefce'x


    But you are writing in paragraph form so such a format is not used. Your first sentence should be

    Nowadays children are getting less and less responsible then they used to be.

    "In other words, children will be"

    The sentence that is before is about parents and this sentence is about children. "In other words" is not wording that belongs here. Also, "will be" should be changed to "are" to be consistent.

    Make another draft of this writing using these suggestions. There are other issues in this writing. Think about some changes as you do your second draft. As we did before we shall take this one step at a time.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

  3. #3
    ambitious-girl's Avatar
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    Re: Spoiled children

    Thanks Lynxear. Your suggestions were great, as usual.

    Now, I was trying to fix the first sentences as follow:

    Nowadays, children are getting less and less responsible than they used to be. What this means is that they way in which children are now being raised makes a child spoiled. This is because parents are becoming more responsive and less demanding than ever, so it is children who are given permissions to do and get whatever they want, whenever they want.
    Last edited by ambitious-girl; 09-Aug-2017 at 10:37.
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  4. #4
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    Re: Spoiled children

    I don't like phrases like "what this means" or "in other words" in most writing. The only time I would use these phrases is if I was talking about an extremely difficult topic. I would then present it from one point of view and then try another point of view to try to get my point across. "For example" is another phrase to avoid.

    You have also left out some pretty important content in this rewritten text:

    children will be allowed to do and get whatever they want, whenever they want. In some families, for example, children are still being supported financially as well as emotionally, even though they are fully grown-up.
    You have to pay attention to verb tenses, but this information belongs in your paragraph. Perhaps it might be rewritten but it should be there.

    Think about the order that you present the sentences. They should not jump around in meaning. Rather, they should lead your reader logically from your main statement to the final statement.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

  5. #5
    ambitious-girl's Avatar
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    Re: Spoiled children

    Hello Lynxear,
    Hope you do well.

    Now, I made following changes. Hope this is what you have suggested.

    Nowadays children tend to be less and less responsible than they used to be. The parenting style under which they are now being raised and taken care of makes a child much more overindulged than ever. That is, children are allowed to do whatever they want and given everything they ask for without making any efforts, due to their making excessive demands. In this way, they will not probably appreciate and value what they have been given in their personal lives, as a result of having parents who have more lenient and less demanding attitudes towards their children. What's more, children are no longer expected to take any responsibility because it is parent who will immediately take the responsibility in behalf of their children. Consequently, children will gradually be used to their parents' doing everything for them. Therefore, children may end up being less self-sufficient, and lack self-discipline in their lives.
    Last edited by ambitious-girl; 11-Aug-2017 at 08:10.
    English is my great passion.

  6. #6
    Lynxear's Avatar
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    Re: Spoiled children

    This is an improvement definitely. Now we will look at individual sentences.

    The parenting style under which they are now being raised and taken care of makes a child much more overindulged than ever.

    The bolded section should be removed. You are repeating yourself here for no real reason.

    That is, children are allowed to do whatever they want and given everything they ask for without making any efforts, due to their making excessive demands.

    You have a habit of adding these type of phrases to the beginning your sentences. They include: "that is", "in this way", "what's more", "consequently", "therefore".

    When used occasionally they can be effective. However you are using this construction in almost every sentence. That becomes annoying to me. In most cases they don't add anything to the sentence.

    Try to rewrite the above sentence either in a shorter single sentence or broken up into two smaller sentences

    In this way, they will not probably appreciate and or value what they have been given in their personal lives, as a result of having parents who have more lenient and less demanding attitudes towards their children.

    This sentence is much too long. It should be broken up into two sentences and perhaps some of the sentences might have their order changed.

    Consequently, children will gradually be used to their parents' doing everything for them. Therefore, children may end up being less self-sufficient, and lack self-discipline in their lives.

    See how " Consequently" followed by "Therefore" in the next sentence does not seem right? You are requiring the reader to pause after the first word in many sentences and this gets tiresome after a while.

    Actually I think you should combine these two sentences into one, but in such a way that the result is strong and not too wordy. this would be a strong ending to the paragraph.

    Finally, I really think you should not forget to add this information:

    children are still being supported financially as well as emotionally, even though they are fully grown-up.

    This is an important statement that you have made. It deserves to be placed in a proper place in the middle of your paragraph.

    Your writing of this paragraph has improved... keep it up!
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

  7. #7
    ambitious-girl's Avatar
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    Re: Spoiled children

    You have a habit of adding these type of phrases to the beginning your sentences. They include: "that is", "in this way", "what's more", "consequently", "therefore".
    Unfortunately, the way I have learned English was not good enough. My teachers always told me that my essays were too simple. Then, they recommended me using more connecting words in my writing.
    Do you mean that I need to use a variety of connectors or only use limited ones?
    And, Could you please tell me which words I should use where I need to connect my sentences?
    English is my great passion.

  8. #8
    Lynxear's Avatar
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    Re: Spoiled children

    Quote Originally Posted by ambitious-girl View Post
    Unfortunately, the way I have learned English was not good enough. My teachers always told me that my essays were too simple. Then, they recommended me using more connecting words in my writing.
    Do you mean that I need to use a variety of connectors or only use limited ones?
    And, Could you please tell me which words I should use where I need to connect my sentences?


    All of those words can be used. Just don't use them with every sentence in every sentence of your paragraph. That is all I am saying.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

  9. #9
    ambitious-girl's Avatar
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    Re: Spoiled children

    I do my best to use as least connecting words as possible.
    I had to use "in this way" as I didn't know how to connect sentences together. I would be appreciate it if you could help me if it is still wrong. Thanks Lynxear for all your practical and useful comments and suggestions on my essay.


    Nowadays children tend to be less and less responsible than they used to be. The parenting style under which they are now being raised makes a child much more overindulged than ever. Due to their making excessive demands on everything, children are allowed to do whatever they want and given everything they ask for without making any efforts. Likewise, they are being supported financially as well as emotionally, even though they are fully grown-up. [In this way,] Children will not probably appreciate or value what they have been given in their personal lives. Growing up in families whose parents have more lenient and less demanding attitudes towards their children, they are no longer expected to take any responsibility because it is parent who will immediately take the responsibility in behalf of them. As a result, children will gradually be used to their parents' doing everything for them. They may end up being less self-sufficient, and may lack self-discipline in their lives.
    Last edited by ambitious-girl; 12-Aug-2017 at 18:44.
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  10. #10
    Lynxear's Avatar
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    Re: Spoiled children

    You have given a good try and I applaud you for it.

    I will not torture you any more. Instead I will write the paragraph as I might write it using only the sentences that you have shown me.

    Children tend to be less and less responsible than they used to be. In this modern world, the parenting style under which they are now being raised makes children more overindulgent than ever. Many children make excessive demands on their parents. They are allowed to do whatever they want and are given everything they ask for with little effort on their part. Parents, who have more lenient and less demanding attitudes towards their children, do not do their children any favours. The children do not learn responsibility, since it is the parents who will immediately take the responsibility on their behalf. Such children probably do not appreciate or value what they have been given during their childhood. These children get used to their parents' doing everything for them. They become less self-sufficient and often lack self-discipline in their lives. Later in life, they are often supported financially as well as emotionally, even though they are fully grown and should be independent from their families.


    You will note that I have started only a couple of sentences with prepositional adverb clauses. I don't think I changed the content of your sentences that much. I have expanded some sentences, but more importantly, I have rearranged your sentences to give a logical flow to a strong final sentence.

    Keep writing. this will come to you in a more natural way with each attempt.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

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