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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Since her husband's death

    Would you please correct the mistakes in my sentences?

    Since her husband's death, Christmas had become the worst time for Anna. Nothing could relieve her pain, neither twinkling Christmas lights outside, nor special Christmas radio programs, which she could listen to the whole day. Her mind was still with her husband on that summer day, more than 50 years ago when they were walking hand in hand through the woods under the canopy of old trees. Michael stopped, grasped the sides of her head, and gave her a passionate kiss on the lips. That moment had become indelible in her mind. She knew it would be the last shred of consciousness that would stay with her until the end.

  2. #2
    Lynxear's Avatar
    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Since her husband's death

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Would you please correct the mistakes in my sentences?

    Since her husband's death, Christmas had become the worst time for Anna. Nothing could relieve her pain, neither twinkling Christmas lights outside, nor special Christmas radio programs, which she could listen to the whole day. Her mind was still with her husband on that summer day, more than 50 years ago when they were walking hand in hand through the woods under the canopy of old trees. Michael stopped, grasped the sides of her head, and gave her a passionate kiss on the lips. That moment had become indelible in indelibly etched on her mind. She knew it would be the last shred of consciousness that would stay with her until the end forever.
    Congratulations! I know you were moved to this area, but really it is the place for you now. You have been writing very well constructed sentences for a while now. It is time for you to now explore putting those sentences into a larger paragraph and ultimately a short story or other types of documents.

    I have made only two outright corrections. "indelible" is an adjective, not a noun. "Indelibly etched" has the adverb form of "indelible" and it modifies "etched". "Indelibly etched on" is a fairly well known phrase.

    "Forever" is a much better word than "until the end".

    I have highlighted two sections of your writing both of them I think can be rewritten.

    This section can be rewritten to say the same things without so many comma separated clauses.

    This section can be rewritten... probably into two sentences but I leave that to you.

    I look forward to your next draft.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Since her husband's death

    Lynxear,
    I am looking at the sentence you have highlighted, but I believe that am unable to rewrite that sentence correctly.

    I can try like this, but I am not sure if the sentence sounds well:
    Nothing could relieve her pain, neither twinkling Christmas light outside, nor Christmas radio programs she listened to the whole day.

    Regarding the second sentence you have highlighted, I do not know how to make two sentences out of that one, either. Whatever I try, I think that final result will be worse than the original sentence.

    In my final sentence, I did not mean to say "that would stay with her forever", but rather, "that would stay with her until her last breath."

  4. #4
    Lynxear's Avatar
    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Since her husband's death

    I will take the last comment first.

    "stay with her forever" means " stay as long as she lives". Actually "until her last breath" sounds a lot better than "until the end". "end can" mean lots of things.

    Ok I don't really like doing this because it would be better if you really thought about it longer and played with the construction of the sentence. My doing this for you is not helping you become self-critical of your writing.

    Nothing could relieve her pain, neither twinkling Christmas lights outside, nor special Christmas radio programs, which she could listen to the whole day.

    Here is how I might rewrite this sentence.

    The twinkling lights and constant Christmas radio programs could not relieve her pain.

    Now for the other section:

    Her mind was still with her husband on that summer day, more than 50 years ago when they were walking hand in hand through the woods under the canopy of old trees.

    Her mind constantly went back to that summer day with her husband more than 50 years ago. They were walking hand in hand through the woods under the canopy of old trees.

    There are two thoughts here and it is better if it was broken up into two sentences. This is especially so when you look at the following sentence. This creation of this sentence from that clause flows nicely into that sentence.

    Ok, this is how I like to help learners who are new at writing larger passages. We are not primarily correcting grammar now. You are composing something more significant than just-a-sentence. Think of it like playing an instrument. You can learn to play a certain chord on a guitar. Now you must learn to use that knowledge to create a musical piece.

    You will make grammar mistakes, we all do. But that is less important as to how you present your message. Any message, story, document of any significance should not be displayed after a single draft. It should be read carefully, then rewritten again trying to improve your sentences as well as correcting any grammar errors that you find.

    I want you to critically think about your own writing. That is why I did this today.... and why I will do it in the future too.
    Last edited by Lynxear; 09-Aug-2017 at 22:07.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

  5. #5
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Since her husband's death

    Lynxear,

    Thank you for your corrections and advice, which are very useful to me. I wish I could self-edit my texts, but I think I will need a few more years until I achieve such level of English that I am able to spot all the mistakes and properly rewrite my sentences. GoesStation has already told me a few months before that I should write shorter sentence. The problem is that I have written longer sentences all my life, and now when I write a sentence it is usually long, even if I could have written two or more instead.

  6. #6
    Lynxear's Avatar
    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Since her husband's death

    Just think of it as the next road to follow to a goal of English proficiency.

    Your sentences are rich. I have commented on this in the past. I am not suggesting you abandon this achievement. However, what I will do is highlight text that I feel can be rewritten. I will start this as I did today with one or two hints as to a possible improvement.

    If you give it an honest try, then you will be learning something each time you do it. You will not improve by not trying. I am impressed with what you have done so far. Now it is time to take it to the next level.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
    You don't go to an Englishman when you want good pierogi.

    - Wisdom from my father

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