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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Martin and Lidia, part one

    Would you please correct the mistakes in my short story?

    Martin and her fiancée, Lidia, strolled around the island. They breathed in the air rich with the scents of the sea, pine needles, resin, wide flowers and ripen fruit. Their eyes were dazzled by the sea twinkling and glistening under the sun. The lapping of the waves and shrieking of the gulls filled their ears. They held hands, discussing their upcoming wedding. They agreed, they were going to splash out on it and invite everyone they knew. Lidia had already bought her dress, made an appointment at the hairdresser’s, and engaged with a florist’s for the bouquets of her favourite flowers.

    They had waited for that day since they met at university and fell in love with each other a few years before. Many of their colleagues and friends fell in love at that time, but while majority of them split after a year or two, Martin’s and Lidia’s love only grew stronger. When they were separated during the lectures and their other obligations, they yearned after each other and eagerly waited to be together again.

    As characters, they were as different as night and day: Martin shy and introvert, Lidia chatty and outgoing. She had to take an initiative in almost everything, while he followed obediently. The travel to this island was her idea too. While England is choking under fog and heavy rains in September, on this island, the days are as bright and sunny as ever. They needed this break, away from constant traffic congestion, smelly air, crowded street, and irritable passers-by. They both worked as chartered accountant – a well-paid job, which left them financially satisfied but spiritually wanting. To give their souls nourishment, Martin wrote poetry and was a member of a local poetry society, while Lidia did yoga.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
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    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Martin and Lidia, part one

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Would you please correct the mistakes in my short story?

    Martin and her his fiancee, Lidia, strolled around the island. They breathed in the air rich with the scents of the sea, pine needles, resin, wide flowers and ripen fruit. Their eyes were dazzled by the sea twinkling and glistening under the sun. The lapping of the waves and shrieking of the gulls filled their ears. They held hands, discussing their upcoming wedding. They agreed, they were going to splash out on it and invite everyone they knew. Lidia had already bought her dress, made an appointment at the hairdresser’s, and engaged with a florist’s for the bouquets of her favourite flowers.

    They had waited for that day since they met at university and fell in love with each other a few years before.
    Many of their colleagues and friends fell in love at that time, but while majority of them split after a year or two, Martin’s and Lidia’s love only grew stronger. When they were separated during the lectures and their other obligations, they yearned after each other and eagerly waited to be together again.

    As characters, they were as different as night and day: Martin shy and introvert, Lidia chatty and outgoing. She had to take an initiative in almost everything, whilebut he followed obediently. The travel to this island was her idea too. While England is choking under fog and heavy rains in September, on this island, the days are as bright and sunny as ever. They needed this break,away from constant traffic congestion, smelly air, crowded street, and irritable passers-by. They both worked as chartered accountantsa well-paying jobs, which left them financially satisfied but spiritually wanting. To give their souls nourishment, Martin wrote poetry and was a member of a local poetry society, while Lidia did practised yoga.

    TO BE CONTINUED
    First question I have is where do you imagine this island to be from a geographic point of view? Is it off the coast of England or in the Caribbean?

    I have never seen a "wide" fruit before. Another adjective would be better. "Ripen" is not an adjective you could choose "ripened" or "ripe".

    I know that "to splash out on it" means to spend a lot of money with no reservations about cost. But this is slang and you don't use slang anywhere else in your story. You should think about using another phrase.

    I would take a look at the blue and pink highlighted sentences and try to find a better way of writing them. The first one can be rearranged into a tighter, slightly shorter sentence. The second one could be made into 2 separate sentences. The third one could be rewritten into a better clause.

    I would change "
    after" to "for"

    "They needed this break," A wedding is hardly a "break" and you are implying this by using the word "this" here.. You are describing their character in this section. I think you should rewrite this to show their dislike of city issues is a general problem for them and escapes from the city were regular (not specific) things they liked to do.

    Take your time. Think about these comments and what you have written. By the way, the reason I ask for the location of the island is that I find the smells you describe to be a bit contradictory.
    Last edited by Lynxear; 10-Aug-2017 at 20:25.
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  3. #3
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Martin and Lidia, part one

    I will try to rewrite the sentences you have marked later: I just want to say that I didn't notice the mistakes when I posted my text. It should of course be "wild flowers" and "ripe fruit."
    Martin and Lidia have not come to the island to have a wedding. They have come on a holiday before their wedding. Therefore I have written. "They needed this break." The wedding is going to happen when they are back in England. The appointment with Lidia's hairdresser is also in England. This will be clearer as the text progresses.
    I have imagined the island to be in the south Europe or Mediterranean. If you travel to the coast to some of the towns along the Adriatic sea you will smell the same scents and smells I have described in my text.

  4. #4
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    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Martin and Lidia, part one

    OK, I understand now.

    The reason I thought they were going to have the wedding on the island is that you have it in the same paragraph as the description of the island.

    I think discussions of the wedding such as the details of the wedding cost, bouquet, hairdresser, etc, belong somewhere else in the story. They don't really belong in the first paragraph in my opinion. You are describing the island experience here, not the wedding details.
    Last edited by Rover_KE; 10-Aug-2017 at 22:25. Reason: Amending 'Ok'.
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  5. #5
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Martin and Lidia, part one

    Lyxnear,

    I have looked at the sentences you have marked, but I have to tell you I am unable to rewrite them in shorter sentences. I think that rewriting them in shorter sentences does not make my text better. A sentence is either grammatically correct or not. I do not see the reason why a long sentence should be turned into two or three shorter ones. During my education in Yugoslavia, many decades ago, I have heard from my teachers that some of my sentences were long, but they never told me to rewrite them in shorter sentences.

  6. #6
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    Lynxear is offline Senior Member
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    Re: Martin and Lidia, part one

    I am sorry that you do not accept my suggestions.

    I think you have a lot of potential with your writing but you will be stuck at this level for a long time. The problem with some of your writing is that the long sentences often contain two or more thoughts, hence the need to break them up into separate sentences. In other cases you get quite "wordy" using long clauses where a couple of well placed adjectives/adverbs would be better and easier to read.

    During my education in Yugoslavia, many decades ago, I have heard from my teachers that some of my sentences were long, but they never told me to rewrite them in shorter sentences.
    I find it interesting that several educators including another teacher on this website have suggested that sometimes your sentences are too long. However, you seem to know better and ignore that advice. It is your writing and your choice ultimately. So I will not comment further on this improvement to your writing.

    I will only repeat my suggestion that you remove the wedding details in paragraph one. They don't belong there. In their place, I would expand the descriptions of the island and their feelings about it.
    Last edited by Lynxear; 11-Aug-2017 at 18:38.
    Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
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