Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Bosnian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    6,948

    Lisa a bride-to-be, Part one

    Would you please correct the mistakes in my text. I didn't use commas to separate "a bride-to-be" from the rest of the sentence, because some authors of the English grammar say that commas could be omitted in similar cases. I am wondering if that could be applied in my sentence.

    Lisa a bride-to-be was looking forward to her wedding. She got her dress made by an expensive dressmaker and the cake would be delivered by a well-known baker shop. Since the date was agreed on, she was busy and flustered, writing invitations to her friends and acquaintances and planning all the details meticulously. She already knew where everyone was going to sit, what kinds of food and drinks were going to be served and which songs played by the band. She was the only child of a company owner, but she was not spoilt as someone could have believed. As a child she used to wake up early in the morning, and never had to be pushed to wash her teeth, clean her shoes or finish her homework. As a teenager she helped her father in the company, cleaning the factory after the workers had gone home. The company manufactured small metal parts for different industries and was well-established. Lisa worked in a tourist information office, but her parents expected she would work for the company full time in the future and, when her father retired, to take it over.

    Bob, a groom and her sweetheart, was a man of her dreams: tall and suntanned even in winter, he was a dashing figure wherever she went. Women turned their heads to stare at him and sigh with longing, but Lisa held his hand firmly and gave him kiss on his clean-shaven face in front of them all. She lavished him with expensive presents: watches, jackets, shoes and underwear. She drove him in her Mercedes cabriolet around the town, while the breeze ruffled her hair. She held her hand all the time, except when she had to reach for a gear stick. Whenever their eyes met, her heart melted. The fire flared up inside her and rose into her cheeks. Nobody before had made her feel in this way.

    Bob liked to write poetry and, now and then, he would present her with some of his work. They would sit at the table with a Tiffany lamp on it, sip wine and nibble refreshments and converse about all kinds of things until Lisa would ask him if he had written something. Bob would take the small, tattered notebook from the pocket of his jacket och read his little poems, while Lisa nodded approvingly. She knew it was not great poetry, but she appreciated he could express his feelings end emotions, which had become almost a rarity nowadays.
    When asked about his profession, Bob told her he had none. He enrolled three times at university, but never managed to get a degree. He lived on welfare, which made him feel like a beggar. He hated himself for sitting in front of a social worker and explaining why he was unable to find any kind of work or why he didn't want to work. He was in his thirties and felt powerless, pushing around by the officials who were about ten years younger. Lisa visited him once in his one-room flat in a shabby building and thought sorry for him. The flat was sparsely furnished, but the walls were covered in books. At least, he was reading books while some of people in his situation hit the bottle and took drugs. His financial situation didn't change her feelings for him. She appreciated his honesty and because of that loved him more.

    The day before the wedding, Bob was nowhere to be found. His mobile phone was silent. He didn't answer her emails. Lisa began to panic. Her heart raced madly.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
    teechar's Avatar
    teechar is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    11,462

    Re: Lisa a bride-to-be, Part one

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Would you please correct the mistakes in my text? I didn't use commas to separate "a bride-to-be" from the rest of the sentence, because some authors of the English grammarians say that commas could be omitted in similar cases. I am wondering if that could be applied applies in my sentence.

    Lisa a bride-to-be was looking forward to her wedding. [You don't actually need "bride-to-be" there; it's superfluous.] She got her dress made by at an expensive dressmaker's and the cake would be delivered by made at a well-known baker's shop. Since they fixed the wedding date, was agreed on, she's been was busy, and often gets flustered, writing invitations to her friends and acquaintances and planning all the details meticulously. She already knew where everyone was going to sit, what kinds of food and drinks were going to be served and which songs played by the band. She was the only child of the owner of a (large) company, owner, but she was not spoilt as some one could might have expected. believed. As a child, she used to wake up early in the morning, and never had to be pushed to wash her teeth, clean her shoes or finish her homework. As a teenager, she helped her father in the company, cleaning around the factory after the workers had gone home. The company manufactured small metal parts for different industries and was well established. Lisa worked in a tourist information office, but her parents expected she would work for the company full time in the future and, when her father retired, to take it over (from him).

    Bob, the groom and her sweetheart, was the man of her dreams: tall and suntanned, even in winter, he was seen as a dashing figure wherever she went. Women turned their heads to stare at him and sigh with longing, but Lisa held his hand firmly and gave him a kiss on his clean-shaven face in front of them all. She lavished him with expensive presents: watches, jackets, shoes and underwear. She drove him in her Mercedes cabriolet around the town, while the breeze ruffled her hair. She held her his hand all the time, except when she had to reach for the gear stick. Whenever their eyes met, her heart melted. The fire flared up inside her and rose in to her cheeks. Nobody before had made her feel in this way.

    Bob liked to write poetry and, now and then, he would present her with some of his work. They would sit at the table with a Tiffany lamp on it, sip wine and nibble snacks refreshments and converse about all kinds of things until Lisa would ask him if he had written something. Bob would take the small, tattered notebook from the pocket of his jacket och and read his little short poems, while Lisa nodded approvingly. She knew it was not great poetry, but she appreciated that he could express his feelings end and emotions, which had become is almost a rarity for a man nowadays.

    When asked about his profession, Bob told her he had none no profession. He enrolled three times at university, but never managed to get a degree. He lived on welfare, which made him feel like a beggar. He hated himself for having to sit sitting in front of a social worker welfare officer and explain ing why he was unable to find any kind of work or why he didn't want to work. He was in his thirties and felt powerless, pushing pushed around by the officials those officers who were about ten years younger than him. Lisa visited him once in his one-room flat in a shabby building and thought felt sorry for him. The flat was sparsely furnished, but the walls were covered in books. At least, he was reading books while some of unlike other people in his situation who hit the bottle and or took drugs. His financial situation didn't change her feelings for him. She appreciated his honesty and, because of that, loved him more.

    The day before the wedding, Bob was nowhere to be found. His mobile phone was switched off. silent. He didn't answer her emails. Lisa began to panic. Her heart raced madly.
    .

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Bosnian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    6,948

    Re: Lisa a bride-to-be, Part one

    teechar,
    Thank your for your corrections.
    I am only wondering if you made a mistake by using present perfect instead of past perfect.

    After your corrections the sentence is like this:
    "Since they fixed the wedding date, she's been busy, and often gets flustered, writing invitations to her friends and acquaintances and planning all the details meticulously. "

    I think it should be: "she had been busy, often got flustered."

  4. #4
    teechar's Avatar
    teechar is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    11,462

    Re: Lisa a bride-to-be, Part one

    Yes, you're right. Sorry about that.
    I lost track of the sense of time in that story.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •