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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Lisa, part three

    Would you please correct the mistakes in my text?

    In the immediate aftermath after Bobís disappearance, she felt terrible. Her chest seemed to be exploding. Her stomach ached as if someone was gutting her alive. The walls and ceiling were pressing in on her, choking her. She could not sleep despite taking sleeping pills and lay awake while the pictures of her wedding played in her mind like a never-ending film. Bob and she walked down the aisle, with the bouquets of flowers attached to the pews ends, while the guests were watching them with appreciation, admiring their beautiful dresses. The bearded vicar was waiting for them at the altar to ask them recite their wedding vows. They exchanged the wedding rings, their diamonds sparkling in the glow of the candlelight. Bob took her in his strong arms and kissed her, causing her heart to flutter. The scene was product of her imagination, but felt like real. She smelled the flowers, burning candles, Bobís favourite aftershave and heard the sound of organs in the background. She pushed the images from her mind, but they returned more vividly than before.

    Her parents did they best to comfort her, but their words didnít have much effect on her pain. Her mother said, ďYouíre only twenty five. You have the whole life in front of you. There are many honest men around who were going to love you as you are. Donít let the swine destroy your future.Ē
    Her father had treated Bob as if he were his son. He had told him he was going to help him if he ever needed a job. He offered to teach him the secrets of trade. He promised to support him if he ran into difficulties. Now he was furious and told Lisa if he ever bumped into the bastard, he was going to break every bone in his body.

    Lisa switched off her phone and didnít answer either SMS messages or emails. Her friends who had come to see what was going on were told by her mother that her daughter had fallen into depression and was unable to see anyone. They were disappointed and left wishing Lisa a quick recovery. She had indeed landed in the darkest cave from which she saw no way out. She was either going to commit suicide or go to a convent, where her only companions would be nuns and her faith in god.

    After some weeks when the news that the police caught Bob reached her, her mental state improved. Her depression decreased and blended with hatred and vengeance. She asked herself how she could have fallen into his trap and loved the man who was nothing but a common criminal. She was keen to see him in the dock, blushing, sweating and squirming in front of everyone. There would be no place to hide and no excuses. A conman who played with peopleís feelings deserved only contempt and the harshest punishment.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. #2
    teechar's Avatar
    teechar is offline Moderator
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    Re: Lisa, part three

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    In the immediate aftermath after of Bobís disappearance, she felt terrible. Her chest felt like it was going to explode. seemed to be exploding. Her stomach ached as if someone was gutting her alive. The walls and ceiling were pressing in on her, choking her. She could not sleep despite taking sleeping pills and lay awake while the pictures of picturing in her mind her wedding which never happened. played in her mind like a never-ending film. Bob and she walked down the aisle, with the bouquets of flowers attached to at the sides of the pews, ends, while the guests were watching them with appreciation, admiring their beautiful attire. dresses. The bearded vicar was waiting for them at the altar to ask them to recite their wedding vows. They exchanged the wedding rings, their diamonds sparkling in the glow of the candlelight. Bob took her in his strong arms and kissed her, causing her heart to flutter. The scene was a product of her imagination, but felt like real. She smelled the flowers, the burning candles, and Bobís favourite aftershave, and heard the sound of the organ in the background. She tried to push ed the those images from out of her mind, but each time they returned, more vivid than before.

    Her parents did they their best to comfort her, but their words didnít have much effect on her pain. Her mother said, ďYouíre only twenty five. You have the your whole life in front ahead of you. There are many honest men around who were going to will love you as for who you are. Donít let the/that swine destroy your future.Ē
    Her father had treated Bob as if he were his son. He had told him he was going to help him if he ever needed a job. He offered to teach him the secrets of his trade. He promised to support him if he ran into difficulties. Now, he was furious and told Lisa if he ever bumped into the bastard, he was going to break every bone in his body.

    Lisa switched off her phone and didnít answer either SMS messages or emails. Her friends who had come to see what was going on were told by her mother that her daughter Lisa had fallen into depression and was unable to see anyone. They were disappointed and left, wishing Lisa a quick recovery. She had indeed landed in the darkest cave from which she saw no way out. She was either going to commit suicide or go to a join a convent, where her only companions would be nuns and her faith in God.

    After some weeks when the news that the police had caught Bob reached her, her mental state improved. Her depression decreased and blended with the hatred and vengeance she felt. She asked herself how she could have fallen into his trap and loved the a man who was nothing but a common criminal. She was keen to see him in the dock, blushing, fidgeting, sweating and squirming in front of everyone. There would be no place to hide and no excuses. A conman who played with peopleís feelings deserved only contempt and the harshest punishment.
    .

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Lisa, part three

    teechar,

    Thank you again.
    I am only wondering about a sentence in the first paragraph, which after your correction sounds like this:

    "She could not sleep despite taking sleeping pills and lay awake picturing in her mind her wedding which never happened."

    When I read this sentence I have an impression that she somehow could control her thoughts. I meant to say that the pictures of her wedding appeared continuously in her mind on their own, without her ability to control them. If that it case would my original version be correct? Or do you have some other suggestion how to describe what was happening inside her mind?

    "...and lay awake while the pictures of her wedding played in her mind like an never-ending film."

  4. #4
    teechar's Avatar
    teechar is offline Moderator
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    Re: Lisa, part three

    Try "... while images of her wedding ran through her mind, over and over, like a never-ending film."

  5. #5
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Lisa, part three

    Your sentence describes exactly what I wanted to describe. I only wish I could have written it myself.

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