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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Michael went out on the balcony

    I am wondering if my sentences are grammatically correct.

    Michael went out on the balcony in the starry night. He gulped in the fresh air, listening to an old Pink Floyd's song in the distance. It reminded him of the first night he spent with her girlfriend decades ago.

  2. #2
    GoesStation is offline Moderator
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    Re: Michael went out on the balcony

    Although He gulped in the fresh air isn't wrong, it can be read two ways: 1) while out in the fresh air, he gulped; or 2) he took a large inhalation of fresh air. I'd rephrase that.

    It's a Pink Floyd song. The name of the band is an attributive noun acting as an adjective.

    The last sentence introduces a new, unnamed character: the woman whose girlfriend Michael spent the night with.
    I am not a teacher.

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Michael went out on the balcony

    I'll try again.

    Michael went out on the balcony in the starry night. He breathed in deeply the fresh air, listening to an old Pink Floyd song in the distance. It reminded him of the first night he spent with his girlfriend decades ago.

  4. #4
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    Barb_D is offline Moderator
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    Re: Michael went out on the balcony

    Perhaps he "drank in" the fresh air - figurative usage of course.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  5. #5
    GoesStation is offline Moderator
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    Re: Michael went out on the balcony

    This one's making slow progress, Bassim. Sentence 1 is OK. The adverb in the second is not natural as is; it would be more natural at the end of the phrase, but still not very good. Modifying phrasal verbs with adverbs often leads you into a stylistic trap: no matter where you place the adverb, the sentence sounds clunky. You might have better luck with the phrase to take a breath of, with an appropriate modifier.

    Sentence 3 needs the past perfect and a comma.
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  6. #6
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Michael went out on the balcony

    I'll try again using Barb_D's "drank in"

    Michael went out on the balcony in the starry night. He drank in the fresh air, listening to an old Pink Floyd song in the distance. It reminded him of the first night he had spent with his girlfriend, decades ago.

  7. #7
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    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Re: Michael went out on the balcony

    I don't like "the balcony in the starry night". It sounds like "the starry night" is the location of the balcony.

    How about "Michael stood on the balcony, under a starry sky"?
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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