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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    I am wondering if my sentence is grammatically correct.

    Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed with an IV attached to her little arm, emotions swept Maria, and she started sobbing and crying.

  2. #2
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    Perhaps:

    Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed with an IV attached to her little arm, she was overcome with emotion. She cried, tears running down her cheeks.

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    Tarheel,
    I tried to avoid using the passive, and therefore I used "emotions swept Maria", but probably my construction does not sound good.

  4. #4
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    I avoid "started" as much as possible in sentences like that. (I think it is way overused.) But a lot of people will have no problem with the way you phrased things.

  5. #5
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    You are right. Editors recommend avoiding "started". Some even recommend avoiding "feel".

  6. #6
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    Thanks for telling me I'm right.

    I like to say that I'm not that much of a writer, but I'm a really good rewriter.

    It very effectively conveys emotion when you describe what a person does. That scene with the mother watching her little girl lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a IV and standing there crying is very affecting.

  7. #7
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    Tarheel,

    You have editing in your blood. I noticed that the very first time you corrected my sentences. A read a few books before written by editors, and they recommend cutting out redundant words the way you did when you corrected my texts.

  8. #8
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Tarheel,

    You have editing in your blood. I noticed that the very first time you corrected my sentences. I read a few books before written by editors, and they recommend cutting out redundant words the way you did when you corrected my texts.
    I don't remember the first time. (It was a long time ago.) Thank you for the kind words.

    You have made a lot of progress since you started. I think you should write a book about your experiences.

  9. #9
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    I couldn't read or write English in the last few days because I had to move again to another flat. It cost me so much energy and time and I felt exhausted, as if I had ran two marathons. My previous flat turned into a torture chamber because my neighbour used to wake me up in the middle of the night, and I would lie awake for hours, unable to sleep. That was my worst time in Sweden since I came here more than 24 years ago. But now I finally have a quiet flat, and I hope I could continue to progress and write something good. I have many stories and books inside me, but I am not satisfied with the level of my English. Professional writing demands a certain quality, which I still lack. A good story will not help me to get attention of a publisher if my language is filled with mistakes and wrong choice of words.

  10. #10
    Tarheel's Avatar
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    Re: Watching her daughter lying in a hospital bed

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    I couldn't read or write English in the last few days because I had to move again to another flat. It cost me so much energy and time and I felt exhausted, as if I had run two marathons. My previous flat turned into a torture chamber because my neighbour used to wake me up in the middle of the night, and I would lie awake for hours, unable to sleep. That was my worst time in Sweden since I came here more than 24 years ago. But now I finally have a quiet flat, and I hope I can continue to progress and write something good. I have many stories and books inside me, but I am not satisfied with the level of my English. Professional writing demands a certain quality, which I still lack. A good story will not help me to get the attention of a publisher if my language is filled with mistakes and the wrong choice of words.
    I agree that there are still problems. But don't give up!

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