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  1. #1
    Harry Yang is offline Newbie
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    Recently the company sent our team the brand new prototype products.

    Hi, Good day!

    I write a draft for practice and I think something is not smooth with my draft.

    Would you tell me about my mistakes?, I will be very appreciated.

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    Recently the company sent our team the brand new prototype products. At first, the team received the products, we were so happy and proud of our job and the company because being the early adopter is pretty big satisfaction.

    However a few days later the team's mood was getting so seriously down and drowning with big depression.

    A reason why the team in deep despair, the prototype product we received, that showed us a fault and that error was so critical issue.

    If the issue would not be fixed before the release date, the recall could be the only option for the future.

    My team reported the issued problem as soon as possible but on one hand, our new product is just about to release to the retailers. We are anxious every day for fast resolution with a great concern about the future.

    ------------------------------------------------------
    Thanks!
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 23-Oct-2017 at 13:52. Reason: Enlarged font to make post readable

  2. #2
    Charlie Bernstein's Avatar
    Charlie Bernstein is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Recently the company sent our team the brand new prototype products.

    Quote Originally Posted by Harry Yang View Post
    Hi, good day!

    I wrote a draft for practice and I think something is not smooth with it.

    Would you tell me about my mistakes? I would appreciate it.

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    Recently the company sent our team the brand new prototype products. At first, when we received the products, we were happy and proud of our job and the company because being the early adopter is pretty satisfying.

    However, within a few days we were unhappy/disappointed with the products because they were faulty.

    If the problem cannot be fixed before the release date, recall will be the only option.

    My team reported the problem as soon as possible, but the new product is just about to be released to retailers. We urge a fast resolution.

    ------------------------------------------------------
    Thanks!
    You're right, it could be smoother. Here are some tips:


    - You shift between products and product. Which is it? One or more?

    - You also shift in time. For most of the letter, it sounds as if this all happened in the past. But your last two sentences make it sound as though you're dealing with it now. See how I changed tenses to fix that.

    - Problem and issue are related, but they're not the same thing. Careful there!

    - Practice using pronouns. They're important for natural-sounding English.

    - Don't exaggerate in business writing.

    - In business writing, get to the point.

    5. Only say "on the one hand" if you're following it with "on the other hand" that argues the opposite: On the one hand, I didn't have much time to practice the songs. On the other hand, I already knew most of them.


    You're welcome!
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 23-Oct-2017 at 23:46. Reason: Fixed typo
    I'm not a teacher. I speak American English. I've tutored writing at the University of Southern Maine and have done a good deal of copy editing and writing, occasionally for publication.

  3. #3
    Tarheel's Avatar
    Tarheel is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Recently the company sent our team the brand new prototype products.

    A prototype is by its nature brand new. I think it should be enough to say it's a prototype.

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