Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Bosnian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    6,948

    Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    I am wondering if my sentences are grammatically correct.

    Rebecca barged into the bedroom and found her husband kissing their au pair. Rage blurred her vision. She wanted to strangle them both, first her, quickly, like you twist the neck of a chicken, and then him, torturing him slowly to the end.

  2. #2
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    19,049

    Re: Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    Perhaps a colon after "both" as the sentence gets rather wonky as it continues.

    I believe you break the neck of a chicken - I don't think that the same as strangling, is it?
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Bosnian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    6,948

    Re: Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    You are right. I did't think about it when I wrote my sentences.

    Maybe I should write my second sentence in this way:

    She wanted to kill him both: first her, breaking her neck like you do with a chicken and then him, torturing him slowly and strangling him in the end.

  4. #4
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    61,324

    Re: Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    You are right. I did't think about it when I wrote my sentences.

    Maybe I should write my second sentence in this way:

    She wanted to kill him both: first her, breaking her neck like you do with a chicken and then him, torturing him slowly and strangling him in the end.
    I don't like the underlined part. It suggests that you think all your readers will be familiar with killing chickens (I mean that they have actually done it).
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  5. #5
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Bosnian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    6,948

    Re: Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    emsr2d2,

    With all respect, I don't agree with you. Many people have never killed anyone with a gun, a knife or a stone, but they understand when a writer compares killing using these weapons or tools or mentioning these ways of killing. The majority of people have never experienced torture, but they will make their own picture of torture when they read that word. Many people have never been drunk or have never seen a drunk person especially in Arab countries. Does that mean that you should not write, "he behaved like a drunk" because some people do not know how it feels to be drunk? They must use their own imagination to create a picture of a drunk.
    Readers have to use their own mind and imagination and not only read a sentence and then read another without thinking about what they are reading.
    The majority of people have never used drugs and they have never seen a drug addict, but they understand if you write, "he behaved like intoxicated."
    If you write "he behaved like a madman" readers get a different picture of that person. A psychiatrist will have a certain picture of him, a person suffering from mental illness another, and those who have never seen a mentally ill person or never suffered from a mental illness will think of him in their own way. I as a man do not know how it feels to be pregnant or to have a menopause, but I must use my own imagination to understand what is happening with a woman's body in those conditions.
    Last edited by Bassim; 02-Nov-2017 at 07:03.

  6. #6
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Japan
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    74,108

    Re: Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    I believe you break the neck of a chicken - I don't think that the same as strangling, is it?
    In BrE, we talk of wringing a chicken's neck.

  7. #7
    GoesStation is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    22,254

    Re: Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    In BrE, we talk of wringing a chicken's neck.
    And in AmE.
    I am not a teacher.

  8. #8
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    19,049

    Re: Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    So maybe... first her, wringing her neck like a chicken, and then him,


    (And sheesh. I still think it's an over-reaction to a kiss. I can't spend my alimony money if he's a corpse and I'm in jail.)
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  9. #9
    Bassim is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Bosnian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    6,948

    Re: Rebecca barged into the bedroom

    Barb_D

    She only wanted. That doesn't mean she would do that. Regarding revenge, I think that women are more subtle than men, especially if the object of their anger is another woman. I have seen women reducing other women to tears with just a few words. At least men are more direct. They insult each other or use physical violence.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •