As Bill was returning home

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Bassim

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Would you please correct the mistakes in this short text?

As Bill was returning home from work, he passed by the cars that had collided head-on. The crash was horrific and the cars turned into a twisted mess of metal. Bill had never seen anything similar in all his life, and he trembled thinking what might have happened to the people inside the vehicles. He parked the car in his garage, hurried straight to his bedroom where his laptop was, and went online. On a local newspaper's site he read that all four passengers in the cars were killed on the spot. They were all under twenty, and Bill was overwhelmed with grief as if they were his own children. Then he remembered his own adolescence and how careless he was when driving. Some twenty years back he could have met a similar cruel fate.
 

Tarheel

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Would you please correct the mistakes in this short text?

As Bill was returning home from work, he passed by the cars that had collided head-on. The crash was horrific and the cars were a twisted mess of metal. Bill had never seen anything like it in all his life, and he trembled thinking what must have happened to the people inside the vehicles. He parked the car in his garage, hurried straight to his bedroom where his laptop was, and went online. On a local newspaper's site he read that all four passengers in the cars were killed on the spot. They were all under twenty, and Bill was overwhelmed with grief as if they were his own children. Then he remembered his own adolescence and how careless he was when driving. Some twenty years back he could have met a similar cruel fate.

You could also say:

how careless he had been when driving
 
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