Love letter

[davidGGlines]

Hello
Please, help me edit my love letter. Here it is:

Dear Judy,

I realize that now (after that despicable letter of mine) I am an awful animal according to the individual who valued our connections so much that was prepared to give me everything conceivable and even the unimaginable. As mistakenly I trusted that our four years together were the four horsemen of the Apocalypse that destroyed our affection, as frantically and immovably I might want to present appropriate reparations in light of my dominated comprehension of that period which was the sweetest in my life. Over seven days I have been battling with myself choosing whether to compose this letter or abandon it as it may be. One portion of me wants to whine how troublesome and excruciating it is without you, to describe consistently when I cry and go through our best minutes in my memory for a hundred's chance, be that as it may, the other half discloses to me that I don't have the scarcest good ideal to ask for returning everything back.

I am composing this letter and crying over that remarkable valuable time that was exhibited to me in the most delicate and modern way, the time which I negligently let go. I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that such quickness of my choice to close the entryways before our affection can't be ever excused and overlooked.

Sincerely,
Name

And is it ok to include a poem into it?

Thanks.

 

[davidGGlines]

And here's a poem (just forgot to include it):

Remember warmth, remember sweet Julys,
Remember days without cries and lies…
I wish I used the magic tempus wand
And spoke my will through tears ripe to pond.
I would pronounce every single word,
So that it cut the air like a sword,
I would aspire to get my just deserts:
My queen of love, forgive, if I deserve…

Poem credit: DavidGGlines on WritersDigest view.

Not sure about Julys (spelling)...

 

[Raymott]

Unless it was a lack of facility in English that led to the breakup, I don't think you need this elevated romantic tone. I can tell you that from unfortunate experience(s), many years ago. Poems and nice prose are good at the beginning of a relationship, but you've known each other for four years. Unless this is typical of your communication with her, it's not going to win her back.

But if you are going to send this, you need to think about what "the other half discloses to me that I don't have the scarcest good ideal to ask for returning everything back" means. Also, if you want her back, your last lines don't reflect that. You say that you are certain you have no chance. How is she meant to take this? You don't come out and say what you want.

If it were me, I'd re-write it in plain, straight-forward English. Tell her you've been a jerk, and ask her whether she'd consider giving you another chance. You could try writing it first in business language as an exercise. You have a difficult negotiation ahead of you, and women aren't as easily fooled by this nice rhetoric as they once might have been. What do you want, and what are you willing to offer? End the letter with something she can realistically respond to.

My opinion.

 

[davidGGlines]

Thanks for the ideas. I was trying to impress her with the metaphors, but I guess that's too much... I'm a linguist and an author, so I thought perhaps that would mean something to her.. don't know. Will try to rewrite it, at least, something may come out of it..
Anyway, thanks for the answer.