After Judith was jilted

[Bassim]

Would you please correct the mistakes in this short text, which I wrote as an exercise.

After Judith was jilted by her long-term boyfriend, David, she went frequently to the street where he lived. She stood there in the evenings, looking at his window and balcony, hoping to see him. If she saw someone approaching, she took her phone and pretended texting or talking in it. She was embarrassed, but the urge to see David again was stronger than anything else. Sometimes the entrance door opened, and her heart raced, but it was always some other tenant. Judith drew back in the shadow and was not in mood to talk to anyone from that block of flats. David had thick curtains, which didn't allow much view inside, but Judith saw shadows moving behind the curtains. When she heard a woman's voice, it tore at her heart and she wanted to scream, "David, please take me back!" Judith never saw that woman who had taken her place, but she imagined her to be more attractive and interesting then herself, and that made-up picture hurt her as if it were real. Judith was obsessively jealous, although she would never admit that, but she knew her jealousy had destroyed her relationship. She called David dozens of times a day, inquiring and interrogating him, as if she were a detective and he a criminal who had something to hide. She hoped to catch him lying just for once, but David was as honest as a saint. He assured her that there was no other woman in his life, and would never be, but Judith didn't trust anyone except her sick mind. In the end, David told her he couldn't bear living with her any longer. She should seek a professional help and an experienced psychologist to help her with her problems. He had to concentrate on his research about the lives of frogs.

Judith returned to her one-room flat late in the evening, tired of standing and unfulfilled expectations. He brewed herself tea and ate a sandwich while watching TV. Before she went to sleep, she pondered on her behaviour. Not even a teenage girl would behave in such a stupid way. How could she have lost her mind over the man who didn't like her anymore, ignored her letters and messages? Where was her pride? She vowed never to go there again, but she knew that tomorrow as the streetlights were coming on, she would stand under David's flat like a faithful dog, waiting for its master.

 

[emsr2d2]

Before correcting/commenting on the rest of it, I have a question. Do you remember that we recently talked about word order? Have another think about "she went frequently to the street ...".

 

[Bassim]

emsr2d2,

I remember that we talked about word order, but the problem is that I am sometimes not sure where to put an adverb. Now I understand that it this case it should be after "she".
"She frequently went to the street where he lived."

 

[teechar]

Would you please correct the mistakes in this short text, which I wrote as an exercise.

After Judith was jilted by her long-term boyfriend, David, she went frequently to the street where he lived. She stood there in the evenings, looking at his window and balcony, hoping to see him. If she saw someone approaching, she took her phone and pretended to be texting or talking in it. She was embarrassed, but the urge to see David again was stronger than anything else. Sometimes the entrance door opened, and her heart raced, but it was always some other tenant. Judith drew back in the shadow and was not in mood to talk to anyone from that block of flats. David had thick curtains, which didn't allow much view inside, but Judith saw shadows moving behind the curtains. When she heard a woman's voice, it tore at her heart and she wanted to scream, "David, please take me back!" Judith never saw that woman who had taken her place, but she imagined her to be more attractive and interesting then herself, and that made-up picture hurt her as if it were real. Judith was obsessively jealous, although she would never admit that, but she knew her jealousy had destroyed her relationship. She called David dozens of times a day, inquiring and interrogating him, as if she were a detective and he a criminal who had something to hide. She hoped to catch him lying just for once, but David was [STRIKE]as[/STRIKE] honest as a saint. He assured her that there was no other woman in his life, and would never be, but Judith didn't trust anyone except her sick mind. In the end, David told her he couldn't bear living with her any longer. She should seek professional help and an experienced psychologist to help her deal with her problems. He had to concentrate on his research about the lives of frogs.

Judith returned to her one-room flat late in the evening, tired of standing and unfulfilled expectations. He brewed herself tea and ate a sandwich while watching TV. Before she went to sleep, she pondered on her behaviour. Not even a teenage girl would behave in such a stupid way. How could she have lost her mind over the man who didn't like her anymore, and ignored her letters and messages? Where was her pride? She vowed never to go there again, but she knew that tomorrow as the streetlights were coming on, she would stand under David's flat like a faithful dog, waiting for its master.

I've underlined where you need to make changes. Amend the text and post below.

 

[Bassim]

Is this version better?

After Judith was jilted by her long-term boyfriend, David, she frequently went to the street where he lived. She stood there in the evenings, looking at his window and balcony, hoping to see him. If she saw someone approaching, she took out her phone and pretended to be texting or speaking in it. She was embarrassed, but the urge to see David again was stronger than anything else. Sometimes the front door opened, and her heart raced, but it was always some other tenant. Judith drew back in the shadow and was not in a mood to talk to anyone from that block of flats. David had thick curtains, which didn't allow a view inside. but Judith saw shadows moving behind the curtains. When she heard a woman's voice, it tore at her heart and she wanted to scream, "David, please take me back!" Judith never saw that woman who had taken her place, but she imagined her to be more attractive and interesting then herself, and that made-up picture hurt her as if it were real. Judith was obsessively jealous, although she would never admit that, but she knew her jealousy had destroyed her relationship. She called David dozens of times a day, asking and interrogating him as if she were a detective and he a criminal who had something to hide. She hoped to catch him lying just for once. but David was honest as a saint. He assured her that there was no other woman in his life, and would never be, but Judith didn't trust anyone except her sick mind. In the end, David told her he couldn't bear living with her any longer. She should seek professional help, a consulting psychologist to help her deal with her problems. He had to concentrate on his research on the lives of frogs.


Judith went back to her one-room flat late in the evening, tired of standing and unfulfilled expectations. She made herself tea and was eating a sandwich while watching TV. Before she went to sleep, she was thinking about her behaviour. Not even a teenage girl would behave in such a stupid way. How could she have lost her mind over the man who didn't like her anymore, and ignored her letters and messages? Where was her pride? She vowed never to go there again, but she new that the next evening as the streetlights were coming on, she would stand under David's flat like a faithful dog, waiting for its master.

 

[emsr2d2]

I'd say "pretended to be texting or talking to someone".
You've used a full stop instead of a comma before "but Judith saw shadows moving".
I'd say "the woman who had taken her place", not "that woman".
You've used "then" instead of "than".
I'd say "When they were together, she used to call David ...". At the moment, it seems like she's doing all these things now, after the relationship has ended.
I'd say "but Judith trusted only her sick mind" because "sick mind" doesn't fit with "anyone except".
You've misspelt "knew".
Removed the comma before "waiting for its master".

Actually, look at the tenses/voices throughout the piece. It's hard to tell when certain things happened, and whether they happened just once or multiple times.