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Thread: Business Email

  1. Newbie
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    #1

    Business Email

    I practise writing at this website: [URL removed]

    Could you please tell me what's wrong with the greeting 'Dear sir or Madam' and the explanation?
    By the way, my writing gets a low score, so other improvements are needed.
    The following is my writing:

    Dear sir or Madam,
    I am angry about that you fail to finish an urgent task on time again. Deadline means you have to complete your work by it. The other staff will follow your behaviour, so you had better finish it as soon as possible.
    Manager

    Here are the requirements:
    You are a manager in a small advertising agency. You have been informed that a member of your team hasn't completed an urgent task on time. This is not the first time they have missed an important deadline. Write them an email about the problem. Explain why deadlines are important. Describe the effect on other staff of not meeting deadlines. Suggest what they should do about the situation.
    (If you find anything wrong or inappropriate in my language, please tell me.)




    Last edited by emsr2d2; 01-Dec-2018 at 08:40.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Business Email

    There is a very obvious problem with how you've written the greeting. You've correctly capitalised "Madam". Why didn't you capitalise "sir"?

    Other improvements are certainly required. I have to go to work so I don't have time to do anything with them at the moment. I'm sure someone will help you out over the course of the weekend.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  3. teechar's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Business Email

    Quote Originally Posted by Xiaoyong Huang View Post
    Could you please tell me what's wrong with the greeting 'Dear sir or Madam' and the explanation?
    Apart from the capitalization emsr2d2 pointed out above, there's nothing wrong with it. However, in the above exercise, you would be expected to use the staff member's first name since you are their manager and you know them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xiaoyong Huang View Post
    By the way, my writing gets got a low score, so other improvements are needed.
    Pay attention to tense.

    Quote Originally Posted by Xiaoyong Huang View Post
    The following is my writing:

    Dear sir or Madam, Jackie,

    I am [1] angry highly disappointed about that you have failed to finish an urgent task on time yet [2] again.

    [3] Deadlines mean you have to complete your work by it. a specific date/time. The Moreover, when you fail to complete your tasks on time, the work of other staff gets delayed through no fault of their own. This is clearly unacceptable and cannot continue. will follow your behaviour, so you had better [4] finish it as soon as possible.

    This is an official and final warning to you. If you persist in missing deadlines in future, I shall have no alternative but to take action to address this problem.



    Manager
    Steven Tetley
    Marketing Manager

    [1]: "angry" is personal and too strong.
    [2]: "yet" adds emphasis.
    [3]: When we talk in general about something that is countable, we use the plural.
    [4]: "had better" is personal and too agressive.


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