Review this Statement of Purpose (SOP), Please.

[sanwalah]

Hello there!

I will be grateful if someone could review this statement of purpose.

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I would like to apply for the course of ... At the university of ... . The course is very well designed to meet the needs of IT professional who wants to broaden his knowledge and advance courses are related to research topic I am interested in. I have done my MS in Telecommunication from |______| and I have completed my BCS from |______|. After doing my MS I started a job as an Office Manager, responsible for IT related (Networking, Software and Hardware) affairs, that is still going on.

I have always felt a need to get higher education, and to increase my knowledge, and to have authority over my subject. Research and development according to the needs of my society and people living around me, whether they are business professionals, Industrial workers or layman living a normal life, is my objective; thus to ease the lives of people around me.

A career that is based on higher education, international exposure, practical knowledge and research methodologies attained at your university, it will certainly pay off by making things easier for others and mine too. Teachers and professors, they always have respect and honor granted to them and I do believe that by becoming a part of a University's / College's faculty, I will play a positive role and will influence the lives of students in a good way.
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It is for Masters in IT / Computer Sciences at German University.
Can we call it a letter of motivation too?
Is it sufficient? does it lack something?

Regards,

 

[teechar]

Hi there, and welcome to the forum.
1- Were you given guidelines (including an expected/minimum/maximum word count) regarding your application?
2- Have you had a look at similar threads on the forum to get an idea about what's expected in an SOP or letter of motivation?
3- What is the deadline for submitting your SOP?

 

[sanwalah]

Thanks for welcoming me to the forum.
No exact word count given for statement of purpose.
Yes I have seen certain examples on the forum and on other websites but I am not sure if I am doing it right.
I have at least two months before the applications are no more accepted.

If you could rather advise me,
my heart goes for Arts, English Literature, History or Sociology. I have studied BA with Journalism and English Language (for two years after college, that is 13th and 14th year of education at University level).
But my mind says go for the subject you have studied at post graduate level, subjects of Computer Sciences and Networking (for five years after college, that is 13th till 17th year of education at University level).

Thanks once again,

Regards,

 

[teechar]

I see. Try to give more detailed information about:
1- Your achievements at work, school, college, home, and in society (hobbies, extracurricular activities, voluntary work, sports).
2- Your duties at work (present or past) and how they may relate in some way to the course you're applying for.
3- Your career aspirations.
4- How this specific course can help you achieve your goals.
Do not write generalities (waffle). The more specific your letter is, the more interesting and convincing it will be to the reader.

You can just post that info below in paragraph/point form.

 

[sanwalah]

Well, I have done MS in Telecom in 2004 (2 years), Bachelors in Computer Sciences in 2001(3 years program), I did my BA in Journalism and English Language in 1999. I have been a good student and my grades had been from Good to Average. I have helped others in studies.
I have worked as Participants Manager for almost 10 years in a University and been regarded as a good and hardworking employee. I worked under the registrar and could perform variety of tasks related to registrar's office.

I have been working as IT Manager at an organization for almost 10 years and have good deal of experience in the field of networking, software development and hardware replacement. My experience in networking and software may help in my studies as MS student.

I plan to complete my MS and then to start my own business in my country and to take part in research and study work at university level.

My studies will help in getting knowledge of software and networking, its applications, how to make decisions related to IT and to develop research methodologies applied at the university or college. International exposure, diversity in culture, diversity in thoughts and witnessing practical implementation of knowledge gained at the university or college in real life in the different walks of life shall certainly help me figuring out how this knowledge can be implemented in my hometown.

whats your say?

 

[teechar]

I would like to apply for the course of ... at the University of ... . since the course is very well designed to meet the needs of IT professionals who [Strike]wants[/Strike] wish to broaden [Strike]his[/Strike] their knowledge and also because the advanced courses are related to the research topic I am interested in. I have [Strike]done my[/Strike] an MS in Telecommunications from ______, and I have [Strike]completed my[/Strike] a BCS from ______, as well as I a BA in Journalism and English which I completed in 1999. After doing my MS, I started a job as an office manager, responsible for IT-related matters (networking, software and hardware), and I am still in the same job. [Strike]affairs, that is still going on.[/Strike]


I have always felt a need to get a higher education, [Strike]and[/Strike] to increase my knowledge, and to be an expert in my field. [Strike]have authority over my subject.[/Strike] Research and development [Strike]according[/Strike] are vital to the advancement needs of my society and people,[Strike]living around me, whether they are business professionals, Industrial workers or layman living a normal life, is[/Strike] and one of my objectives is, thus, to [Strike]ease[/Strike] improve the lives of people around me.


[Strike]A career that is based on[/Strike] The higher education, international exposure, practical knowledge and research methodologies attained at your university , it will certainly pay off by greatly improving my career prospects. [Strike]making things easier for others and mine too.[/Strike] Teachers and professors, they always have respect and honor granted to them and I do believe that by becoming a part of a University's / College's faculty, I will play a positive role and will influence the lives of students in a good way. [ I don't understand that part. Are you applying to be a student or a teacher?!]I have always been a [Strike]good[/Strike] diligent and focused student and my grades reflect that.[Strike]had been from Good to Average. I have helped[/Strike] always endeavour to help others in studies.


I have worked as Participants Manager for almost 10 years in a university and been regarded as a good and hard-working employee. I worked under the registrar and [Strike]could perform[/Strike] was responsible for a variety of tasks related to the registrar's office.


[Strike]I have been working as IT Manager at an organization for almost 10 years and have good deal of experience in the field of networking, software development and hardware replacement. My experience in networking and software may help in my studies as MS student.[/Strike]


I plan to complete my MS and then to start my own business in my country and to take part in research and study work at university level.


My studies will help in getting knowledge of software and networking, its applications, how to make decisions related to IT and to develop research methodologies applied at the university or college. International exposure, diversity in culture, diversity in thoughts and witnessing practical implementation of knowledge gained at the university or college in real life in the different walks of life shall certainly help me figuring out how this knowledge can be implemented in my hometown. [ That's just waffle]
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I still think you can say more about your achievements and interests.

 

[sanwalah]

Thanks, I will post an updated statement within a few days.