[Cover Letter] Cover letter

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MariR

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Hello,

I am writing a cover letter for a university. May I ask you to read and correct the following passage? In fact, I don't like this paragraph at all, but I don't know how to make it right :/

"I successfully completed my first degree with a qualification of Bachelor of Business Administration at --- University, in 201-. The course was focused on teaching of business-related processes using theoretical approaches. I took a study module in banking and finance. After graduation, I enrolled to the Master’s degree in Business Administration with the major module of information systems management again at ---- University. My aim was to expand my skills in information technologies in business management, as I was always curious about this field. I was awarded with the Master’s diploma in 201-.

Thank you
 

teechar

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Hi MariR, and welcome to the forum. :)
Can you post the entire letter, or do you need help with just that paragraph?
 

MariR

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I will post the complete letter when I have it ready and let's revise it after. Thank you
 

Tarheel

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Delete successfully..

Are you applying for entry to a Ph.D. program?


:)
 

MariR

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MariR

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I am applying for master's in China.

So this is it:

I successfully completed my first degree with the qualification of Bachelor of Business Administration at --- University, in 201-. The course was primarily focused on the teaching of business-related processes using theoretical approaches. I took a study module in banking and finance. After graduation, I enrolled to the Master’s degree in Business Administration with the major module of information systems management again at ---- University. My aim was to expand my skills in information technologies in business management, as I was always curious about this field. I was awarded with the Master’s diploma in 201-.
I have always been thinking about my future, building a career, becoming a successful person and generally finding my own path in the life. Thus, I have tried myself in several different fields. I started working as an office manager in a training school in January, 201-. This was my first working experience and it helped me develop my organizational skills. Then I was hired by a tour agency to assist in implementing new accounting software. I was responsible to input and update data in an accounting program. This job required detail orientation and accuracy and I was able utilize those skills. After finishing this project I decided to do European Voluntary Service and I moved to Country for 11 months. I worked at a library; I was organizing workshops, classes and different activities for children. I used this opportunity to improve my English skills, travel around Europe, learn about Western European culture and make new friends. After returning to my home country, I started working in an outsourcing company, as a customer service representative with English, which really enhanced my communication skills.
With all of experiences listed, I am now ready to bring my career path to the next level. My goal is to take a top managerial position in a multinational company in the future. Especially that nowadays Country has become very attractive for foreign companies. I understand that the only way to be successful in today’s business world is to make it in an international context. Since, I lack proper education in business management on international level, it limits my capabilities to grow in the industry where broad exposure is vital to achieve personal and professional growth.
Therefore, I realized that it is the right time to apply for a university again and take a major in International business. This course will provide me with the optimal basis to help me achieve my goal of becoming a leader in a global corporation.
Chinese universities have growing reputation and are ranked high in the university rankings. Especially international business is one of the most popular fields to study in China. One of the fastest-developing countries in the world, China serves as a huge market for multinational corporations. Understanding of China and Chinese culture will be a big advantage for me in terms of employment. Also building a strong network of contacts across the globe will help me access more opportunities.
Subjects such as international business theory, international accounting, leadership in cross-cultural contexts, International marketing, globalization and international management, international human resource management and others offered at the program, will equip me with that fundamental expertise I need. After first semester, I would like to be focused more on learning through practical subjects and cases and hopefully I’ll have a chance to do internship. I also plan to learn Chinese at B1 level as minimum. Knowledge of Mandarin, one of the world’s most-spoken languages, will open plenty of doors in my future career.
With regards my personality, people would describe me as a very patient, calm and balanced person. I can handle with stressful situations easily, stay focused and keep positive attitude. I can easily adapt to new situation and environment. I am rather open minded person; I can accept different opinions and values. I believe I am a very responsible individual who loves to learn new things in life and to seek new experiences and challenges. I consider myself to be a critical thinker and persistent learner. I always find effective and efficient work methods. My trick is to recognize what is important and focus on that. I am very good at finding a way to solve problems without any guidance and to think independently. I am rather independent person from childhood and I always take responsibility on my actions and decisions.
I must also mention that I am not a person who is only engaged in studies or work. I have dozens of hobbies and activities I enjoy to do. I keep healthy life-style; I am a big lover of sports. I am an amateur rock-climber; I do yoga and acro-yoga. I enjoy camping, hiking and mountaineering.
With my background and desire to study, I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this program.


So I must add something in the end, it's not entirely finished, but could you help me with what I've got already, please?
In the paragraph where I am taking about myself, how can I avoid starting every sentence with I?
Thank you
 

Tarheel

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I suggest that you pare it down some.

Space between paragraphs.

How much time do you think people spend reading this stuff? (Not much.)

:)
 

Tarheel

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Say:

I am applying for admission to a master's program....

And:

I recently completed my first degree (a Master's in Computer Science, for example).

And;

After graduation, I enrolled in the Masters in Business Administration (MBA) program.

And:

... I have always been interested in this field.


What master's degree did you earn, and what year?

Space between paragraphs.

:)
 

MariR

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I'm sorry, here is a copy with spaces.

I successfully completed my first degree with the qualification of Bachelor of Business Administration at --- University, in 201-. The course was primarily focused on the teaching of business-related processes using theoretical approaches. I took a study module in banking and finance. After graduation, I enrolled to the Master’s degree in Business Administration with the major module of information systems management again at ---- University. My aim was to expand my skills in information technologies in business management, as I was always curious about this field. I was awarded with the Master’s diploma in 201-.

I have always been thinking about my future, building a career, becoming a successful person and generally finding my own path in the life. Thus, I have tried myself in several different fields. I started working as an office manager in a training school in January, 201-. This was my first working experience and it helped me develop my organizational skills. Then I was hired by a tour agency to assist in implementing new accounting software. I was responsible to input and update data in an accounting program. This job required detail orientation and accuracy and I was able utilize those skills. After finishing this project I decided to do European Voluntary Service and I moved to Country for 11 months. I worked at a library; I was organizing workshops, classes and different activities for children. I used this opportunity to improve my English skills, travel around Europe, learn about Western European culture and make new friends. After returning to my home country, I started working in an outsourcing company, as a customer service representative with English, which really enhanced my communication skills.

With all of experiences listed, I am now ready to bring my career path to the next level. My goal is to take a top managerial position in a multinational company in the future. Especially that nowadays Country has become very attractive for foreign companies. I understand that the only way to be successful in today’s business world is to make it in an international context. Since, I lack proper education in business management on international level, it limits my capabilities to grow in the industry where broad exposure is vital to achieve personal and professional growth.

Therefore, I realized that it is the right time to apply for a university again and take a major in International business. This course will provide me with the optimal basis to help me achieve my goal of becoming a leader in a global corporation.
Chinese universities have growing reputation and are ranked high in the university rankings. Especially international business is one of the most popular fields to study in China. One of the fastest-developing countries in the world, China serves as a huge market for multinational corporations. Understanding of China and Chinese culture will be a big advantage for me in terms of employment. Also building a strong network of contacts across the globe will help me access more opportunities.
Subjects such as international business theory, international accounting, leadership in cross-cultural contexts, International marketing, globalization and international management, international human resource management and others offered at the program, will equip me with that fundamental expertise I need. After first semester, I would like to be focused more on learning through practical subjects and cases and hopefully I’ll have a chance to do internship. I also plan to learn Chinese at B1 level as minimum. Knowledge of Mandarin, one of the world’s most-spoken languages, will open plenty of doors in my future career.

With regards my personality, people would describe me as a very patient, calm and balanced person. I can handle with stressful situations easily, stay focused and keep positive attitude. I can easily adapt to new situation and environment. I am rather open minded person; I can accept different opinions and values. I believe I am a very responsible individual who loves to learn new things in life and to seek new experiences and challenges. I consider myself to be a critical thinker and persistent learner. I always find effective and efficient work methods. My trick is to recognize what is important and focus on that. I am very good at finding a way to solve problems without any guidance and to think independently. I am rather independent person from childhood and I always take responsibility on my actions and decisions.

I must also mention that I am not a person who is only engaged in studies or work. I have dozens of hobbies and activities I enjoy to do. I keep healthy life-style; I am a big lover of sports. I am an amateur rock-climber; I do yoga and acro-yoga. I enjoy camping, hiking and mountaineering.
With my background and desire to study, I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this program.
 

teechar

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As Tarheel has pointed out above, you need a clear introductory sentence or two to say what you are applying for, where and when.
 

MariR

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I posted but it's not showing up here yet, I am applying for Chinese government scholarship, not in any specific university, just for International Business specialization.

Please, could you proof read my letter?
 

MariR

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So I will start with this:
I am honoured to have an opportunity to apply for Chinese government scholarship.

and the rest I posted above.
 

teechar

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Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to apply for a Chinese Government Scholarship.

I graduated with a Bachelor of Business Administration from --- University in 201-. The course was primarily focused on the teaching of business-related processes using theoretical approaches. I took a study module in banking and finance. After graduating, I enrolled in the Master’s in Business Administration program with the major module of information systems management again at ---- University. My aim was to expand my skills in information technologies in business management, as I was always curious about this field. I completed that program in 201-.

I have always thought about my future, career, and about becoming a successful person and generally finding my own path in the life. Thus, I have tried several different fields. I started working as an office manager in a training school in January, 201-. This was my first work experience, and it helped me develop strong organizational skills. After that, I was hired by a tour agency to assist in implementing new accounting software. I was responsible for the input and update of data in their accounting application. That job required attention to detail orientation and accuracy. I then decided to sign up for the European Voluntary Service program, and I moved to …. for 11 months. I worked at a library; I was organizing workshops, classes and different activities for children. I used that opportunity to improve my English skills, travel around Europe, learn about Western European culture and make new friends. After returning to my home country, I started working in an outsourcing company, as a customer service representative using English, which really enhanced my communication skills.

My goal is to get a top managerial position in a multinational company in the future, especially that nowadays Country has become very attractive for foreign companies. I understand that the only way to be successful in today’s business world is to make it in an international context. Since, I lack the necessary formal qualification in business management on an international level, it limits my capabilities to grow in the industry where broad exposure is vital to achieving personal and professional growth.

Therefore, I plan to take a major in international business. This course will provide me with the optimal basis to help me achieve my goal of becoming a leader in my field. Chinese universities have an excellent reputation and are ranked high globally, especially in international business. One of the fastest-developing countries in the world, China provides great opportunities for multinational corporations. Understanding of China and Chinese culture will be a major advantage for me in terms of employment prospects. Also building a strong network of contacts from across the globe will help me access more opportunities.

Subjects such as international business theory, international accounting, leadership in cross-cultural contexts, international marketing, globalization and international management, international human resource management will equip me with that fundamental expertise I need. After first semester, I would like to be focused more on learning through practical subjects and case studies and hopefully I will have a chance to do an internship. I also plan to learn Chinese at B1 level as a minimum. Knowledge of Mandarin, one of the world’s most-spoken languages, will open plenty of doors in my future career.

With regards to my personality, people would describe me as a very patient, calm and balanced person. I can handle stressful situations well, stay focused and keep a positive attitude. I can easily adapt to new situations and environments. I am a rather open minded person; I can accept different opinions and values. I believe I am a very responsible individual who loves to learn new things in life and to seek new experiences and challenges. I consider myself to be a critical and independent thinker and a persistent learner.

I have several hobbies and interests. I love sports, and I am an amateur rock-climber; I do yoga and acro-yoga. I enjoy camping, hiking and mountaineering.

With my background and desire to study, I am confident that I am qualified and that I will succeed in this program.

Yours faithfully,

Mari Reuben
 

MariR

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Thank you very much, I am so grateful! I really appreciate! Thanks

Mari Reuben

Nice last name, maybe I will use it one day :D
 

teechar

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Thank you very much. I am so grateful! I really appreciate it! Thanks.
Nice last name. Maybe I will use it one day.
You're welcome. I wish you all the best with your academic endeavours.
 
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