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  1. Newbie
    Academic
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • Turkish
      • Home Country:
      • Turkey
      • Current Location:
      • South Korea

    • Join Date: Apr 2019
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Please help me on this personal statement!

    Hi there, this is my personal statement for Korean universities. If I made any mistakes, please say it to me! Thank you in advance.

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    Honestly, I would like to say that the possibility of interacting with a different society has always excited me. Moreover, when this country is South Korea, which is taught to us as a brother country in our schools, this situation increases my level of excitement exponentially. Interacting with a foreign language is actually one of the most important factors supporting the expansion of human horizons in this world. A different language also creates a different culture and studying in a system that is kneaded with a different culture arises a mesmerizer curiosity in my mind.

    I was born in March 1991 in Adana where located in the south line of Turkey. Because my parents were public officials, I completed my primary, secondary, and high school education in Izmir. Throughout my high school life, I supported my education and training life with various social activities. I made licensed sport with the school handball team for approximately three years. I was also interested in various sports branches until I became a young adult. These days I spend my time with the paragliding club, which I am involved in. I am also a P-2 level paragliding pilot. I can never deny the self-discipline and the ability to make decisions under stress which I have gained from the social activities that I have done. My personal mission is continually to improve myself against the changing world and not to be monotonous.

    In the past, I have identified my area of specialization as engineering, considering that my personal and technical skills overlap. In 2014, I graduated from Ege University Mechatronics Engineering program. Therewithal, I did a subspecialty program in Material Science and Engineering. During my university life, I worked on various mechatronics design and manufacturing projects. Besides, I specialized in automation and embedded systems, and I promoted my undergraduate career with state-supported digital image processing projects.

    After graduating from university, I completed my military obligation which is mandatory for every Turkish man. And then, I worked as a technical executive for German origin company where located a small subsidiary in Turkey circa 2 years. I have been involved in the installation of industrial type water disinfection systems and the start-up of the automation process. While I spent most of my time in field activities, I had the chance to see the facilities of the industry-leading companies.

    At the end of 2018, I participated in the oral and written examination of the Turkish Ministry of Education. As a result of this exam, I won a postgraduate scholarship for foreign countries. Within the scope of this scholarship, all the school and my personal expenses will be covered by the Turkish government. After completing my master's degree I will return to my country, and I will work in the Turkish Atomic Energy Authority as a particle accelerators specialist. With this opportunity that my country has provided me, I want to make the right choice with a university in South Korea where I can get a quality education.

    As a result of my research, I was excited about the idea of working in the most rooted institution in South Korea. Furthermore, a gigantic company which has completed the institutionalization phase and served the world supports your university, and It shows me how right this choice will be. The opportunity to benefit from the six-century pool of experience will greatly help me climb the career ladder. I would like to match my own knowledge with the vision and mission of Seoul University, and to serve my country by combining the discipline and culture of Seoul University is my career goal.

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
    VIP Member
    Interested in Language
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 16,560
    #2

    Re: Please help me on this personal statement!

    You made a common mistake. (Confusing say and tell.) Also, if you write write shorter , simpler sentences you are more likely to be understood. For example, the last sentence has a mishmash of words followed by "is my career goal". (It's not your career goal, since whatever it is it's not a career goal.)

    Not a professional teacher

  3. jutfrank's Avatar
    VIP Member
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • England

    • Join Date: Mar 2014
    • Posts: 9,252
    #3

    Re: Please help me on this personal statement!

    You have made far too many mistakes for us to correct. And if any of us did have the time to correct your writing, it would not be right to do so. Your personal statement must be a reflection of how you express yourself.

  4. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 9,201
    #4

    Re: Please help me on this personal statement!

    Hello blackstone, and welcome to the forum.
    What's the application deadline? I don't have time during the week, but I can take a look at it for you over the coming weekend. Is that any good to you?

  5. Tarheel's Avatar
    VIP Member
    Interested in Language
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Jun 2014
    • Posts: 16,560
    #5

    Re: Please help me on this personal statement!

    Two things, teechar. There are only 24 hours in a day for you just like anybody else. Also, I don't see the point of rewriting this so this person can pretend their English is better than it really is. All this person is looking for is free help.

    Not a professional teacher

  6. teechar's Avatar
    Moderator
    English Teacher
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Iraq
      • Current Location:
      • Iraq

    • Join Date: Feb 2015
    • Posts: 9,201
    #6

    Re: Please help me on this personal statement!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarheel View Post
    All this person is looking for is free help.
    I've often been in that situation myself.

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