I need help for Songs Lyrics fixing mistakes :) I am a song writer

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Trace Vaon

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Hi everyone!
I am an italian song writer. I am part of an indie folk - rock band. Our songs have english lyrics, but I need some help to understand if there are any grammatical errors or phrases that can be improved.
We have 9 songs fo the next album to be fixed. I think it is a very fast and funny work.

Could someone help me?

Thanks to evveryone :)

Massimiliano
 

jutfrank

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Possibly, yes. I'll let one of the moderators advise you which forum is most appropriate.

Please avoid posting the entire lyrics. I recommend posting only short excerpts at any one time.
 

emsr2d2

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Hi everyone!
I am an Italian songwriter. I am [STRIKE]part of[/STRIKE] in an indie folk-rock band. Our songs have English lyrics, but I need some help to understand if there are any grammatical errors or phrases that can be improved.
We have [STRIKE]9[/STRIKE] nine songs for the next album that need to be fixed.

I think it is a very fast and funny work. I don't know what the blue sentence means.

Could someone help me?

[STRIKE]Thanks to everyone.[/STRIKE] Unnecessary. Thank us after we help you, by clicking on the Thank button.

[STRIKE]:)[/STRIKE] Please don't try to make your own emoticons. If you must use one, click on the :) button and choose one.

[STRIKE]Massimiliano[/STRIKE] Unnecessary. We use usernames here.

Welcome to the forum. :hi:

Please note my corrections and comments above. I have moved your post to the Editing and Writing Topics section. As jutfrank said, please post just short excerpts of the lyrics.
 

Trace Vaon

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Hi,
as you suggest me, I post a first excerpts of a song lyrics to be fixed.


do you think it’s the right way?
you’re working so hard
Every morning dressing well, wearing your hair
And you face people dressing jacket and tie
if you want to win the game - you need to be sure
that someone loses
 

jutfrank

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And you face people
dressing jacket and tie

This line is not right. dressing is the wrong word. Do you mean wearing? If so, you could also use in or in a.
 

Trace Vaon

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Yes, I mean wearing
Great!
Thank you
 

emsr2d2

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What do you mean by "wearing your hair"?
 

Trace Vaon

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I go ahead with lyrics:roll:

in most other places around the world
Toy guns are Only different gifts..
Hands holding soil and Stones,
Leaving Marks on the walls
There Is no Dolls, books, or buiding blocks, Just guns, kite and guns,
The love they should receive Is buried under Miles of war..
Boy, you Will grow up without the Hope of a Better world,
Resigned to the Life that someone have drawn
 

emsr2d2

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Is there a reason for your random use of capital letters?
 

jutfrank

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in most other places around the world
Toy guns are Only different gifts..
Hands holding soil and Stones,
Leaving Marks on the walls
There
are no Dolls, books, or building blocks, Just guns, kites and guns,
The love they should receive Is buried under Miles of war..
Boy, you Will grow up without the Hope of a Better world,
Resigned to the Life that
someone have drawn

The last line should be either someone has drawn or some have drawn, depending on whether you mean one or many people.
 

Trace Vaon

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Hi emsr2d2,
there is not a reason. Probably are there because in the beginning there was a "dot" somewhere :-D
 

Trace Vaon

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Hi,
I am near the end of the song

you will take on extra shifts - to cover a cruise
Even though you’re smiling - you can't stand them anymore

all alone alone alone you
feel alone alone alone here
all alone alone alone you
feel alone alone alone here

wait honey
Ohhh it's Friday
leave all your roles
Feel free to breathe as you once did


 

emsr2d2

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Hi emsr2d2.
There is [STRIKE]not a[/STRIKE] no reason. They're probably [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] there because in the beginning there was a "dot" somewhere.

Do you mean a full stop/period? If so, remember that we use a capital letter for the word directly after a full stop, but not randomly in the middle of a sentence.

I mean "wear" like you do with a jacket.

You can wear your hair in a particular style - "She wore her hair in a bob", for example, but you can't just "wear your hair".

Please note my corrections above. In standard written English, you must end every sentence with one appropriate punctuation mark (full stop, question mark or exclamation mark), but not an emoticon.
 

Trace Vaon

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Do you mean a full stop/period? If so, remember that we use a capital letter for the word directly after a full stop, but not randomly in the middle of a sentence.



You can wear your hair in a particular style - "She wore her hair in a bob", for example, but you can't just "wear your hair".

Please note my corrections above. In standard written English, you must end every sentence with one appropriate punctuation mark (full stop, question mark or exclamation mark), but not an emoticon.
Hi emsr2d2,
probably it sounds better if I say "fixing your hair" or "pushing your hair". What do you think about it?
 

emsr2d2

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"Fixing your hair" would work (it's not used much in BrE, but it's OK in AmE, I believe). BrE might use "styling your hair". "Pushing your hair" means nothing.
 

jutfrank

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Unless I've misunderstood, it seems to me that you mean to say wearing your hair. It's not something we usually say but it works in this context.

fixing your hair has a different meaning.
 

Trace Vaon

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Hi,
I am near the end of the song

you will take on extra shifts - to cover a cruise
Even though you’re smiling - you can't stand them anymore

all alone alone alone you
feel alone alone alone here
all alone alone alone you
feel alone alone alone here

wait honey
Ohhh it's Friday
leave all your roles
Feel free to breathe as you once did



Hi,
this message was surpassed. I reply it, waiting for your help :)
 

jutfrank

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will take on extra shifts - to cover a cruise
Even though you’re smiling - you can't stand them anymore

all alone alone alone you
feel alone alone alone here
all alone alone alone you
feel alone alone alone here

wait honey
Ohhh it's Friday
leave all your roles
Feel free to breathe as you once did

What do the red parts mean?
 

Trace Vaon

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What do the red parts mean?

To cover a Cruise: I mean have Money for an holiday

Leave all your roles: I mean , dont be and architect, a chief, a servant, but Only yourself
 
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