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    #1

    Road Sweepers Part two

    Would you please correct the mistakes in the second part of my short story?

    Kevin became a regular and went to the pub only to see her. He was never a great drinker and was satisfied with a pint or two, which he sipped at the bar, unable to take his eyes off her. He was ten years older, but Maria didn’t care how old he was. His presence made her feel warm inside. She knew she could trust him and have him by her side at bad times and good times. Her female intuition whispered to her that he was the man she wanted to have children with.

    They had a small wedding, which they attended in borrowed clothes. Her older sister gave her a wedding dress, and Kevin got his suit from his colleague. Then they went to the seaside for their honeymoon. They stayed at a cheap hotel and enjoyed strolling along the sandy beaches that stretched for kilometres. Standing on the hill and holding hands, they watched the sun going down, tinting the sea with gold. They had a camera and asked passersby to take picture of them at the local beauty spots. When they returned home, they got the film developed and placed the photos in a photo album. They would look at them at times to remember those moments when they were burning with passion, and when a future looked bright and promising.

    They worked hard, never indulging in any luxuries, but they were used to living frugally. Then Stephen and Bea were born. They saved the money for their future and wanted them to get good education and decent jobs, and not to work for peanuts as they did. When Stephen and Bea went to university, their hearts were full of joy. Their sacrifices were not in vain.

    Kevin was a wonderful husband. Good-humoured and calm, he seldom got angry and reminded Maria of Zen teachers she sometimes met in the pub. Whenever she became irritated at high costs of living, dishonest politicians, crime, or some other problems, he would always say, “Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.” His only fault was smoking. A cigarette was constantly in his mouth. He would light up as soon as he awoke and smoke one after another until it was bedtime. Maria tried everything to get him out of that habit, but that was an impossible task because Kevin was a chronic smoker who since his teens hadn’t lived without a cigarette one single day.

    The first sign of his illness was a constant coughing, which he dismissed as a bad cold. She begged him to make an appointment with his GP but he refused. Who knows how long he would have gone on coughing like an old man if it had not been for his boss, who ordered him to see a doctor. Because of his breathing difficulties he couldn’t work effectively as usual and had to pause for breath repeatedly. He had no choice but to do as he was told because the boss had told him he could either be on sick leave or work properly, but not both. Before he finally made his way to the surgery, he said to Maria, “Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.” But the X-ray they had made of his lungs, pronounced a death sentence called emphysema. Maria burst into tears. Why him of all people – he who was so good-hearted and never had a grudge against anyone? If Kevin had died in a car accident, it would be easier to accept his death, but to watch him being eaten up slowly by the illness, without her being able to help him, would feel like the worst punishment.
    TO BE CONTINUED

  2. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Road Sweepers Part two

    I am assuming (perhaps wrongly) that Kevin has more than one colleague. If I am right, say:

    Kevin got his suit from a colleague

    Or;

    Kevin got his suit from one of his colleagues.
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  3. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Road Sweepers Part two

    Still the second paragraph. Say:

    They would look at them at times to remember those moments ...when the future looked bright and promising.
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  4. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Road Sweepers Part two

    Third paragraph. I think you need to change the second sentence. Perhaps:

    They had two kids -- Stephen and then Bea.
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  5. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Road Sweepers Part two

    If I forget this one, post something and I'll get a reminder. (I post to maybe a dozen threads a day.)
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  6. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #6

    Re: Road Sweepers Part two

    Still the third paragraph. Perhaps:

    They saved money for their future and wanted them to get a good education and decent jobs and not have to work for peanuts as they did. They were happy when Stephen and Bea went to university. All their hard work had not been in vain.
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  7. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Road Sweepers Part two

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post

    Kevin was a wonderful husband. Good-humoured and calm, he seldom got angry and reminded Maria of Zen teachers she sometimes met at the pub. Whenever she became irritated at the high cost of living, dishonest politicians, crime, or some other problems, he would always say, “Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.” His only fault was smoking. A cigarette was constantly in his mouth. He would light up as soon as he awoke and smoke one after another until it was bedtime. Maria tried everything to get him out of that habit, but that was an impossible task because Kevin was a chronic smoker who since his teens hadn’t lived without a cigarette one single day.

    The first sign of his illness was a constant coughing, which he dismissed as a bad cold. She begged him to make an appointment with his GP but he refused. Who knows how long he would have gone on coughing like an old man if it had not been for his boss, who ordered him to see a doctor. Because of his breathing difficulties he couldn’t work as effectively as usual and had to pause for breath repeatedly. He had no choice but to do as he was told because his boss had told him he could either be on sick leave or work properly, but not both. Before he finally made his way to the surgery, he said to Maria, “Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.” But the X-ray they had made of his lungs, pronounced a death sentence called emphysema. Maria burst into tears. Why him of all people – he who was so good-hearted and never had a grudge against anyone? If Kevin had died in a car accident, it would be easier to accept his death, but to watch him being eaten up slowly by the illness, without her being able to help him, would feel like the worst punishment.
    TO BE CONTINUED
    It's odd that she didn't notice he was a smoker at the beginning.

    Anybody who smokes smokes around his kids. And they don't have a choice. They are smokers second hand.

    They would have had more money if he hadn't burned it up.

    It takes a long time to develop emphysema. First you get bronchitis.

    /End of rant.
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  8. VIP Member
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    #8

    Re: Road Sweepers Part two

    Smoking is an addiction. There will always be people addicted to something: drugs, alcohol, sex, video games. Once I read that in South Korea they don't have much problem with alcohol or drugs, but they have hundreds of thousands of people addicted to video games. The government has built rehab centres across the country where people addicted to video games can spend weeks to get rid of their habit, and where they have no access to computers and the internet.

  9. Tarheel's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: Road Sweepers Part two

    An addiction is a habit. You can control your habits or let your habits control you.
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