[Essay] Can you please tell how my essay is for access scholarship for cfa

[Drashti]

Studying for my 12th grade, i came across the subject of finance. I found myself interested in finance related subjects from there. After 12th i wanted to go to abroad for further studies in finance field as india is much more on the equity market side and i wanted to learn about bond market. But because of financial constraints i was not able to go. Thereafter i took admissions in b.com and selected my core subject as finance.
In b.com i really got good grades. In my college i have won gold medal in finance quiz. I have hosted a debate on the subject of "india towards bond market".And by that time i started to go to my aunt's office to learn more about investments and market research. By the completion of first year i was having a good hand in understanding and making a opinion on market situations. And thereafter i came across CFA course. I read about that and from that time i was so excited and passionate about this course. I wanted to do this course so badly that i have to travel to another city which is 3 hours far from where i live as in my city there is nothing realted to this course.
If i completed my cfa course my dream is to manage hedge funds and start my own research and analysis firm.
But my travelling expenses and this huge fees structure will never make possible to complete this course. If i could get this scholarship it will be a huge boost to my career goal as it will help completing my cfa charter dream.

 

[Tarheel]

CFA = chartered financial analyst

Make paragraphs!

One more thing;

Your 12th grade what?

 

[emsr2d2]

[STRIKE]Studying for my[/STRIKE] In the 12th grade, I came across the subject of finance. I found myself interested in finance-related subjects from [STRIKE]there[/STRIKE] then on.

[STRIKE]After[/STRIKE] When I finished the 12th grade, I wanted to go to abroad for further studies in the finance field, as India is much more on the equity market side and I wanted to learn about bond markets. [STRIKE]But[/STRIKE] Unfortunately, because of financial constraints, I was not able to go. [STRIKE]Thereafter[/STRIKE] Later, I took admissions in b.com and selected finance as my core subject. [STRIKE]as finance.[/STRIKE]

In b.com I got really [STRIKE]got[/STRIKE] good grades.

[STRIKE]In my[/STRIKE] At college, I [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE] won a gold medal in a finance quiz and I [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE] hosted a debate on the subject of "India towards the bond market".

[STRIKE]And[/STRIKE] By that time, I had started to go to my aunt's office to learn more about investments and market research. By the [STRIKE]completion[/STRIKE] end of my/the first year, I was [STRIKE]having a good hand in[/STRIKE] getting a good understanding of, and [STRIKE]making a opinion[/STRIKE] and forming my own opinions on, market situations.

[STRIKE]And thereafter[/STRIKE] After that, I came across a CFA course. I read [STRIKE]about that[/STRIKE] up on it and [STRIKE]from that time i was so[/STRIKE] became very excited and passionate about [STRIKE]this course[/STRIKE] it.

I wanted to do this course so badly that I have to travel to [STRIKE]another[/STRIKE] a city which is 3 hours [STRIKE]far[/STRIKE] away from where I live as, in my city, there is nothing [STRIKE]realted[/STRIKE] related to this [STRIKE]course[/STRIKE] area of study.

If I [STRIKE]completed[/STRIKE] complete my [STRIKE]cfa[/STRIKE] CFA course, my dream is to manage hedge funds and start my own research and analysis firm.

[STRIKE]But[/STRIKE] However, my travelling expenses and [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] the [STRIKE]huge[/STRIKE] high fees [STRIKE]structure[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] mean that it will never [STRIKE]make[/STRIKE] be possible for me to complete this course.

If I [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] get this scholarship, it will be a huge boost to my career goal as it will help [STRIKE]completing[/STRIKE] me to complete my [STRIKE]cfa[/STRIKE] CFA charter dream.

Note my corrections above. I don't understand the parts in blue. I can't tell you whether it's a good scholarship application letter because I have no experience in that area.

You must remember to capitalise the word "I" every time you write it, and to capitalise proper nouns and initials (India, CFA etc).

Tarheel advised you to make paragraphs. I entirely agree. You need to leave an empty line between your paragraphs. Note that I have divided your letter up into easy-to-read sections. That is not how the final letter should look.

 

[Tarheel]

Because of financial constraints I was not able to go = I couldn't afford to go. (I didn't have the money.)