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    #1

    Peter often buys expensive presents

    Have I made any mistakes?

    Peter often buys expensive presents to his friends but also demands loyalty from them. They should be at his beck and call all the time, even if they would prefer to do other things.

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    #2

    Re: Peter often buys expensive presents

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Have I made any mistakes?

    Peter often buys expensive presents to his friends but also demands loyalty from them. They should be at his beck and call all the time, even if they would prefer to do other things.
    You buy presents for people.

    You're not going to like this, but once again your narrative has shifted its point of view from one sentence to the next. This just isn't natural. You can fix it by adding He thinks to the beginning of the second sentence.
    I am not a teacher.

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    #3

    Re: Peter often buys expensive presents

    I understand that you don't like my second sentence, but this is how is fiction written nowadays, especially if a writer uses deep point of view. I see these kinds of sentences in novels and short stories all the time. In deep point of view, you never use, for example, "he thought" or "he felt" and instead start with a direct thought of the main protagonist, without using "he or she thought."

    My second sentence is in fact Peter's thought. I just didn't use "Peter thought".

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    #4

    Re: Peter often buys expensive presents

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    I understand that you don't like my second sentence, but this is how is fiction written nowadays, especially if a writer uses deep point of view. I see these kinds of sentences in novels and short stories all the time. In deep point of view, you never use, for example, "he thought" or "he felt" and instead start with a direct thought of the main protagonist, without using "he or she thought."
    Please post a couple of excerpts demonstrating this technique.
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    #5

    Re: Peter often buys expensive presents

    I've read a bit about deep point of view here. It's an effective technique that's widely used to increase the reader's sense of immersion in the story. As such, it's worthwhile for an aspiring writer to learn it.

    The immediate problem with your examples is that they begin with "he should". This phrase is tightly connected with delivering an admonition to someone else, so the reader naturally hears it in the author's voice; it achieves the opposite effect of what you intend.

    Consider this example from the link: Pain shot through his gut, and he clutched his stomach. This was it. He was going to die. Here the narrative describes the character's feeling and action, then shifts smoothly to his fear.

    I think you need to start with a less impersonal and general statement to make the technique work. Something like this:

    Peter bought a genuine Rolex for Evan. He'd done it for other friends. It worked every time. From then on they'd drop whatever they were doing and do whatever he asked. Friends? Hell, they were eager dogs willing to do anything for a scratch on the belly.
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    #6

    Re: Peter often buys expensive presents

    The narrative shift seems OK to me.

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