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  1. Member
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    #1

    A surprising death

    A surprising death
    Bob was An’s husband, There were five children in their family. Four older children had got white skin and pretty. Tom, the other child, has got back skin and ugly. Bob was always suspicious of Tom, he suggested that Tom wasn’t his son. When Bob lied on his deathbeb, he asked his wife for the truthful answers to “Is Tom my son?” An cried and said “Tom is our son, but the other children are mine”.
    Bob’s eyes glanced up the ceiling and He passed away.

    Please correct my mistakes.

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: A surprising death

    Quote Originally Posted by chunchuntthn View Post
    A surprising death


    Bob was Ann’s husband. There were five children in their family. The four older children had got white skin and were pretty. Tom, the other fifth child, has got had black skin and was ugly. Bob was always suspicious of suspected Tom, he suggested that Tom wasn’t his son. When Bob lied was lying on his deathbed, he asked his wife for the truthful answers answer to “Is Tom my son?” Ann cried and said “Tom is our son, but the other children are [only] mine”.
    Bob’s eyes Bob glanced up at the ceiling and he passed away.

    Please correct my mistakes.
    See above. Note that "pretty" is usually only used to refer to girls. If the other four children were all female, then it's OK. If not, you need a different adjective - one that can refer to both girls and boys. It's more usual to simply say "xxx was white/black", rather than "xxx had white/black skin".
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #3

    Re: A surprising death

    The four older children contain both boys and girls.

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    #4

    Re: A surprising death

    This is my rewrite.
    Bob was Ann’s husband. There were five children in their family. The four older children were white skin and were beautiful. Tom, the fifth child was back skin and was ugly. Bob always suspected that Tom wasn’t his son. When Bob was lying on his deathbed, he asked his wife for the truthful answer to “Is Tom my son?” Ann cried and said “Tom is our son, but the other children are only mine”. Bob glanced up at the ceiling and he passed away.

    The four older children had got white skin and were pretty (Could I use “have got” instead of “have”?)

  5. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: A surprising death

    Please look back at my original corrections and comments. You have said "were white skin" and "was back (sic) skin". Is that what I suggested you use? (You misspelt "black" in post #1 and in your rewrite.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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    #6

    Re: A surprising death

    This is my rewrite after consulting some instructions from my friends.
    Bob was Ann’s husband. There were five children in their family. The four older children had bright skin and were cute. Tom, the fifth child had dark skin and was ugly. Bob always suspected that Tom wasn’t his son. When Bob was lying on his deathbed, he asked his wife for the truthful answer to “Is Tom my son?” Ann cried and said “Tom is our son, but the other children are only mine”. Bob glanced up at the ceiling and he passed away.

  7. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: A surprising death

    "bright skin"? Where did that suddenly come from? If you're just going to consult your friends and ignore most of what I suggested in previous posts, I won't bother giving you any more advice.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

  8. Member
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    #8

    Re: A surprising death

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    "bright skin"? Where did that suddenly come from? If you're just going to consult your friends and ignore most of what I suggested in previous posts, I won't bother giving you any more advice.
    I was told that when I write about skin color, the word "black" and "white" should not be used. Because it makes listeners think about racism. So I changed "white" into "bright".

  9. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #9

    Re: A surprising death

    That doesn't work at all. There's no reason not to use "white" and "black" as long as you are not using them pejoratively. In the context of your story, it is vital to understand that four kids were white and one was black. The story doesn't work without it. Four "bright-skinned" children and one "dark-skinned" child could still be the progeny of the same two people.

    There are certain words we definitely don't use anymore (for example, never refer to someone as "coloured") but "white" and "black" are simple statements of fact.
    Remember - if you don't use correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing, anything you write will be incorrect.

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