When Jim returned to his hometown

[Bassim]

Have I made any mistakes?

When Jim returned to his hometown with the diploma in journalism his next goal was to get married. One evening he stepped into a dancing hall and to his right saw three woman. He asked the tallest, with a black, curly hair to dance with him. "It is the ladies'choice," she said. "I don't care," Jim said. "I want to dance with you." He took her by the hand and she obediently followed him to the dancing floor. More than fifty years passed since that evening and they are still married.

 

[Tdol]

I would add some punctuation to the first sentence. The second has a plural error and an unnecessary article.

 

[Bassim]

Would this version be OK?

When Jim returned to his hometown with the diploma in journalism, his next goal was to get married. One evening he stepped into a dance hall and to his right saw three women. He asked the tallest, with black, curly hair to dance with him.

 

[Sirpatchio]

Correct version (In my opinion at least):

When Jim returned to his hometown with the diploma in journalism, his next goal was to get married. One evening, he stepped into a dancing hall and to his right, saw three woman.

He asked the tall one with the black and curly hair to dance with him. "It is the lady'schoice," she said. "I don't care," Jim replied. "I want to dance with you". Jim took her by the hand and she obediently followed him to the dancing floor. More than fifty years have passed since that evening and they are still married.