pls help me to correct my admission letter

[fayefaye]

To [removed personal info],


We would like to submit this application for our son, [removed personal info] for admission to kindergarten in Maroubra junction public school commencing Jan 2020. With its long history of all-rounded excellence, your school impresses us immensely. It would be a privilege for [removed personal info] to join your school and develop his potentials.


The reasons for my decision are as follows: my father is diagnosis with cancer and MJPS is only 5 mins walking distance away from our house, while we take my father to his chemotherapy treatment and radiation theraphy, my mother can pick up/drop off my son easily.


My nieces, [removed personal info] was one of the debater team member of year 6 last year, she has achieved very good results and there has been a drastic improvement in her skills and behavior. [removed personal info], current student of year 4 is an active, outgoing presence in class with a great sense of humor, they both highly recommend MJPS to us.


We would be most grateful if you could offer [removed personal info] an interview and we believe that he could receive the highest-quality education and thrive in a happy school environment if he could study in your school. Should you wish to meet in person to discuss this, please contact me on 0403 150 xxx and we will be delighted to attend to meeting.


Your Sincerely,


Faye

 

[emsr2d2]

To [removed personal info],

We would like to submit this application for our son, [removed personal info] for admission to kindergarten [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] at Maroubra Junction Public School, commencing January 2020. With its long history of all-round [STRIKE]ed[/STRIKE] excellence, your school impresses us immensely. It would be a privilege for [removed personal info] to join your school and develop his [STRIKE]potentials[/STRIKE] potential.

The reasons for [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] our decision are as follows:

- My father [STRIKE]is diagnosis[/STRIKE] has been diagnosed with cancer and MJPS is only [STRIKE]5 mins[/STRIKE] five minutes' walking distance [STRIKE]away[/STRIKE] from our house; while we take my father to his chemotherapy treatment and radiation therapy, my mother can pick up/drop off [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] our son. [STRIKE]easily.[/STRIKE]

- My [STRIKE]nieces[/STRIKE] niece, [removed personal info] was [STRIKE]one of[/STRIKE] on the [STRIKE]debater[/STRIKE] Year 6 debating team [STRIKE]member of year 6[/STRIKE] last year. She has achieved very good results and there has been a drastic improvement in her skills and behavior.

- Another niece [removed personal info], currently a student [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] in year 4 is an active, outgoing presence in class with a great sense of humor. [STRIKE]they[/STRIKE] Both of my nieces highly recommend MJPS to us.

We would be most grateful if you could offer [removed personal info] an interview [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] as we believe that he could [STRIKE]receive[/STRIKE] benefit from [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] MJPS's [STRIKE]highest[/STRIKE] high-quality education and that he would thrive in the happy school environment. [STRIKE]if he could study in your school.[/STRIKE] Should you wish to meet in person to discuss this, please contact me on 0403 150 xxx and we will be delighted to attend to meeting.

Yours sincerely,

Faye [+ surname]

Welcome to the forum. :hi:

Please see my corrections and suggested changes above.

 

[fayefaye]

Thank you very much for your help

 

[emsr2d2]

Thank you very much for your help.

You're welcome. Remember to end every sentence with an appropriate punctuation mark. Also, note that there is no need to write a post to say "Thank you". Simply click on the "Thank" button in the bottom left-hand corner of any post you find helpful. It saves time for everyone.