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  1. Spectrum's Avatar
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    #1

    Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    Hi! I am doing a fan translation of a Japanese manga to English. One character appears to use a lot of Japanese archaisms, and I want the English translation to feel similar. So I am going for a "King James Bible" style of early modern English.

    I think my grammar is sound, but the world is FULL of people who think they can write archaic English and fail miserably, so I want to double-check. I would be grateful if someone would look them over and check whether it is well-formed. :)

    Contains spoilers for Shizuko Is My Bride by Kirioka Sana.



    Cat: Hail, Shuri! // I am a messenger of the Great Powers That Be. // Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message.

    (The cat god does not get to finish its message. Later, Shuri is talking to the unconscious heroine when the cat god returns and interrupts him.)

    Shuri: I will remain by your side.
    Cat: Nay, Shuri, thou cannot. (Does this have to be "thou canst not"?)



    Cat: Rejoice, blessed one, for thou hast been chosen for the honor of becoming a god. // Indeed, godhood dwelleth within thee even now.
    Cat: … and hence // now thou must come with me to the realm of gods // where, with all pomp and circumstance, thou shalt be granted the mantle of a god.
    Shuri: What are you saying? You are making no sense!
    Cat: Well… // Thou canst not refuse this summons // for no god may dwell in the world of men. // Lo! The influence of thine aura divine hath caused this girl to sicken. // It will slay her. // Think well on my words. // On the morrow I shall come for thee.

    Thanks in advance to anyone who read this! :)

  2. jutfrank's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    I think you've done a great job.

    Are there any particular bits you're worried about?

  3. Moderator
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    #3

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    Quote Originally Posted by Spectrum View Post
    I think my grammar is sound, but the world is FULL of people who think they can write archaic English and fail miserably, so I want to double-check.
    You're quite right. Thanks for making the effort to get it right.

    Quote Originally Posted by Spectrum View Post
    Cat: Hail, Shuri! // I am a messenger of the Great Powers That Be. // Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message.
    Lose "that be". The powers that be is a fixed phrase that refers to unnamed bureaucrats.

    Quote Originally Posted by Spectrum View Post
    Shuri: I will remain by your side.
    Cat: Nay, Shuri, thou cannot. (Does this have to be "thou canst not"?)
    Emphatically yes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Spectrum View Post
    Cat: Rejoice, blessed one, for thou hast been chosen for the honor of becoming a god. // Indeed, godhood dwelleth within thee even now.
    Cat: … and hence // now thou must come with me to the realm of gods // where, with all pomp and circumstance, thou shalt be granted the mantle of a god.
    Shuri: What are you saying? You are making no sense!
    Cat: Well… // Thou canst not refuse this summons // for no god may dwell in the world of men. // Lo! The influence of thine aura divine hath caused this girl to sicken. // It will slay her. // Think well on my words. // On the morrow I shall come for thee.
    I can't see a reason for the inversion in thine aura divine. Write thy divine aura.
    I am not a teacher.

  4. Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    #4

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    Cat: Well… // Thou canst not refuse this summons
    I am not sure that well fits in- it sounds a bit conversational.

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    #5

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    I am not sure that well fits in- it sounds a bit conversational.
    I missed that. Could Cat ask Am I not instead?
    I am not a teacher.

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    #6

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    Welcome back after your 11-year break, Spectrum!

    We've missed you.

  7. Spectrum's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    Thanks a lot for the advice, all!

    Quote Originally Posted by GoesStation View Post
    Lose "that be". The powers that be is a fixed phrase that refers to unnamed bureaucrats.
    Oh! Right. Then I'll go with: "I am a messenger of a Greater Power."

    Quote Originally Posted by GoesStation View Post
    Emphatically yes.
    OK. "Thou canst not" alone sounds dorky. Then I'll rephrase to "Thou must not", which also works in the context.

    Quote Originally Posted by GoesStation View Post
    I can't see a reason for the inversion in thine aura divine. Write thy divine aura.
    I like this for poetic reasons. I think I will keep it. But thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by GoesStation View Post
    I missed that. Could Cat ask Am I not instead?
    The original Japanese text is "maa", which is just a filler word corresponding to "well".
    I'll put "Alas" here. That sounds better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rover_KE View Post
    Welcome back after your 11-year break, Spectrum!

    We've missed you.
    LOL. Thanks.

  8. Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    #8

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    Quote Originally Posted by Spectrum View Post
    The original Japanese text is "maa", which is just a filler word corresponding to "well".
    I'll put "Alas" here. That sounds better.
    How about Yet?

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    #9

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    A suggestion: replace "a joyous message" with "glad tidings."

  10. Spectrum's Avatar
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    #10

    Re: Hearken well, blessed one, for I bring thee a joyous message (archaic English)

    Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will keep my current version.

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