On the evening before the general election

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Bassim

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Have I made any mistakes? This is just a writing exercise.

On the evening before the general election, the prime minister went contentedly to sleep, confident of wining it, but in the night he had a strange dream. He was standing on a parapet of a castle dressed in full armour, a gold sword in his hand. He looked at the horizon where dawn was turning the sky pink. He awaited the news from the battlefield. The castle was shrouded in silence, broken by the neighing of horses and the crowing of cocks. Suddenly he saw a black spot, which after a few seconds took the form of a rider. The prime minister's heart raced with excitement. He climbed down and went to meet the messenger. The black horse was covered in white foam and seemed to be at the end of its limits. The messenger, drenched in sweat, fell to his knees in the dust. He looked up at him and said in a plaintive voice "My Lord, we lost. The barbarians are coming!" The prime minister gave a cry like a bear hit by a giant bullet. He woke up, shaking, a pool of sweat under his massive body.

"What's going on?" his little wife asked, her frail body looking like a child's compared to him.
"I had a nightmare. Never had such a horrible nightmare in my life. I'm going to lose the election." His body was still shaking.
"There, there, " she said, patting his enormous ox-like head with her small hand. She got up. "I'm going to make us some tea." Before she left the room, she turned and said, "If you lose, so what? Are you going to lose your virility too?" Usually, he would laugh at her remarks, but this time he was still in that strange dream, looking at the distance from where the barbarians were going to come, capture his castle, arrest him, and in the end, flay him alive.
 
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Tarheel

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Have I made any mistakes? This is just a writing exercise.

On the evening before the general election, the prime minister went contentedly to sleep, confident of winning it, but in the night he had a strange dream. He was standing on a parapet of a castle dressed in full armour[STRIKE], a gold sword in his hand[/STRIKE]. He looked at the horizon where dawn was turning the sky pink. He awaited the news from the battlefield. The castle was shrouded in silence, broken by the neighing of horses and the crowing of cocks. Suddenly he saw a black spot, which after a few seconds took the form of a horse and rider. The prime minister's heart raced with excitement. He climbed down and went to meet the messenger. The black horse was covered in white foam and seemed to be at the end of its limits. The messenger, drenched in sweat, fell to his knees in the dust. He looked up at him and said in a plaintive voice "My Lord, we lost. The barbarians are coming!" The prime minister gave a cry like a bear hit by a giant bullet. He woke up, shaking, a pool of sweat under his massive body.

"What's going on?" his [STRIKE]little[/STRIKE] wife asked, her frail body looking like a child's compared to his.
"I had a nightmare. Never had such a horrible nightmare in my life. I'm going to lose the election." He was still shaking.
"There, there, " she said, patting his enormous ox-like head with her small hand. She got up. "I'm going to make us some tea." Before she left the room, she turned and said, "If you lose, so what? Are you going to lose your virility too?" Usually, he would laugh at her remarks, but this time he was still in that strange dream, looking into the distance from where the barbarians were going to come, capture his castle, arrest him, and in the end flay him alive.

You have have a tendency to disembody people.
:)

Perhaps:

The castle was shrouded in a silence broken only by the neighing of horses and the crowing of cocks.
 
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Bassim

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Tarheel,
What I post here are just exercises. I write them directly without thinking how they will end. I'm trying to see where I still make mistakes so that I know where I stand. And as I write, I'm not thinking so much where the text will lead, but I am trying to concentrate to write it in correct English, which I unfortunately still fail.
 

Tarheel

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I was just saying that it's better to say He was shaking than His body was shaking. (Just my opinion.)
 

Bassim

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Tarheel,

Of course, you're right. A couple of teachers corrected the similar mistakes I made before, but I forgot again to write "he was shaking", just like I had forgotten to write "looking into the distance", and wrote instead "at the distance."
 
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Tarheel

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Tarheel,

Of course, you're right. A couple of teachers corrected [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] similar mistakes I made before, but I forgot again to write "he was shaking", just like I forgot to write "looking into the distance", and wrote instead "at the distance."

:)
 
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