At his father's funeral

[Bassim]

Have I made any mistakes?

At his father's funeral, Robert looked at the gathered guests, thinking that at least a half of them had come not out of respect for Professor Thompson but out of malice. They were glad to see him finally dead. His father told him many times about the atmosphere at his university and all the backstabbing, hatred and envy that were going on behind the refined world of academia. "So many psychopaths is difficult to find in any other institution," he used to say. "There are many small Hitlers, Idi Amins and Stalins with PhDs and other honorary degrees, who would throw anyone who disagree with them into a gas chamber, if they only got a chance."

As Robert shook hands with the guests and looked everyone in the eyes, his father's voice echoed in his head. He didn't believe in telepathy, but some people avoided his eyes and gave him a limp handshake, as if they were reading his thoughts. He wanted to asked them if they were the jerks his father was talking about but than thought better of it. This was a solemn occasion, and he didn't want to tarnish the memory of his father with a scandal.

 

[teechar]

At his father's funeral, Robert looked at the gathered guests, thinking that at least a half of them had come not out of respect for Professor Thompson but out of malice [in what way? Why did they attend the funeral instead of shunning it?]. They were glad to see him finally dead. His father told him many times about the atmosphere at his university and all the backstabbing, hatred and envy that were going on behind the refined world of academia. "So many psychopaths is difficult to find in any other institution," he used to say. "There are many small Hitlers, Idi Amins and Stalins with PhDs and other honorary degrees, who would throw anyone who disagree with them into a gas chamber, if they only got a chance."

As Robert shook hands with the guests and looked everyone in the eyes, his father's voice echoed in his head. He didn't believe in telepathy, but some people avoided his eyes and gave him a limp handshake, as if they were reading his thoughts. He wanted to asked them if they were the jerks his father was talking about but than thought better of it. This was a solemn occasion, and he didn't want to tarnish the memory of his father with a scandal.

I've underlined where to make changes.

 

[Bassim]

This little text is just an exercise, so I didn't bothered to develop it into a short story and didn't explain all the reasons regarding the behaviour of the people I have described.

You ask me why his colleagues attended the funeral instead of shunning it, but I can only say that if they didn't come, it would be obvious they didn't like him. Instead they wore a mask of kindness, which is usual in the world of academia. People come to a funeral for different reasons. Some really feel sorry for a deceased, but there are others who enjoy to watch his coffin being placed into the grave, from which he will never return.

I believe the changes should be this.

1. thinking that at least half of them had come not out of respect
2. His father had told him many times
3. I don't understand what is wrong with my version "the refined world of academia"?
4. Should I write "little Hitlers" instead of " small"?
5. Should it be "if they only had had a chance"?

 

[teechar]

You ask me why his colleagues attended the funeral instead of shunning it, but I can only say that if they didn't come, it would be obvious they didn't like him. Instead they wore a mask of kindness, which is usual in the world of academia. People come to a funeral for different reasons. Some really feel sorry for a deceased, but there are others who enjoy to watch his coffin being placed into the grave, from which he will never return.

Try:
"... half of them had come not out of respect for Professor Thompson but just to revel in seeing him dead".

1. thinking that at least half of them had come not out of respect
2. His father had told him many times

OK.

3. I don't understand what is wrong with my version "the refined world of academia"

Try "the refined facade/guise of academia".

4. Should I write "little Hitlers" instead of " small"?

Yes.

5. Should it be "if they only had a chance"?

"the chance".

 

[Bassim]

Is "the chance" because it is a specific chance, or for some other reason?

 

[teechar]

"Get the chance" is the standard expression used when talking about a theoretical (not a specific) chance.